This is part one of a two-part series on how to shift the way you relate to other people from the inside out.
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A lot of people who come to me are looking for this particular shift. This is perhaps the number one reason why people are so drawn to the work that I do.
So what I want to show you, dear reader, is how this transformation really happens.
Shifting the way you relate to others begins with shifting how you relate to yourself.
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“Are you kidding me? What does my relationship with my boss/friends/family/kids/significant other have to do with my relationship with myself? What does that even mean?”
I feel you. I really do. These are common questions with not so common answers.
Let’s take a step back, think back to your last failed romantic relationship. What was the cause of that breakdown?
“She was cheating on me.”
“She didn’t trust me and we grew apart.”
“She said she didn’t love me anymore.”
“She was tired of me putting her on a pedestal.”
I could go on and on. Assuming that your relationship was on good footing before the breakdown, why would she be unfaithful? Why would she not trust you? Not love you anymore?
If you look at this closely and with some distance, it’s probably evident that the relationship breakdown didn’t begin on the other side of the table. It probably started with you.
“But why would she sleep with my former best friend?”
Have you considered that the breakdown begins with who you’re being? Have you considered that the breakdown begins with the man in the mirror?
If you really think about it, your relationship probably wasn’t all roses and honeysuckles before the breakup. It probably didn’t blindside you as much as you thought. Women can be quite intuitive. When something isn’t working, she can pick up on that. And if it’s not working with yourself, then you know she can pick up on that.
Do you love yourself?
“What does that even mean? Why do I want to love myself? Isn’t that a little arrogant?”
Loving yourself is crucial to improving the way you relate to the world. Because when you are you own best friend, it opens up everything.
So how do you love yourself when you aren’t your biggest fan? Again, common questions but not so common answers.
But believe it or not, there are steps you can take to start to love yourself a little more. These are in no particular order, but these are steps you can take to become your own best friend.
This is also not an all-inclusive list.
- Take care of yourself: what does this mean? Eat good food. Get enough rest. Get enough exercise. Make your health (mental, physical, and spiritual) a priority in your life.
- Make time for yourself: By this, I mean, take time to be with yourself. This can be in your exercise, diet, or taking care of your health. But it can also mean just taking a step back in your busy day to make time for yourself. Listen to music, meditate, spend some time with your pets or children. I understand that people lead busy lives. But anybody can take five minutes to listen to a song and get reconnected with who you are.
- Have faith: look at yourself in the mirror. Right now. Okay, maybe after you finish reading this. But look at yourself and honestly ask yourself, “do I have faith in that person to get the job done? Can I count on this person? Does this person have enough support to do what they want to do?”
- Act as if…: Okay, this one’s tricky. There’s a line from a second season episode of The West Wing where the character of Leo says to President Bartlet “Act as if ye has faith and faith shall be given to you. Put it another way, fake it ‘til ya make it.” This is easier said than done, but I speak from experience here. It works. Act as if you love yourself and that love will start to come to you. By the way, I think Aaron Sorkin borrowed this line from The Bible.
I’m in process with this myself. There are times when I simply do not love myself. Those days are fewer and farther between. But they still exist. But when you become your own best friend, you will find that you will relate to other people a lot easier and in a healthier way.
I can support you in transforming your relationship with yourself. I can be found at team-ryan.team or shoot me an email at [email protected].
Next week we’re going to drill down on this a little closer. How can this improved relationship with yourself improve how you relate to the world?
Photo by Jun Seita