Choosing Life From a Place of Love, Not Fear

I was raised with fear. Fear of “What will the neighbors think?” and “You can’t do that! What if something bad happens.”

I was taught fear was the basis for all choices made.

I chose friends out of fear of not being liked.

I chose alcohol, at the age of 14, out of fear of not fitting in with the popular crowd.

I chose a college out of fear of disappointing my family.

I chose not to report rape out of fear I would not be believed.

In my early twenties, I abused diet pills out of fear I would not be accepted for the size and shape of my body.

I married out of the fear I was not worthy of reciprocal love.

I had children out of fear of losing this toxic marriage I had chosen.

I chose to stay in the toxic marriage for years out of fear I was not strong enough to leave and the ingrained belief “it was good enough for who it was for” that I was so accustomed to hearing as a child.

And then, at age 43, I chose to file for divorce out of fear for my life. Not fear for my physical body and life, but fear for my spiritual and emotional body and life.

I had become a shell of a person. I had no idea who I even was anymore, only who I had been told to be for years.

For several years after filing for divorce, I continued to live and make choices out of fear. I continued to be enmeshed in what felt like a non-stop court battle, defending mine and my children’s rights against the abuse still being inflicted. I was not dying, yet, because of fear, I was also not living.

I continued to choose out of fear. Fear for my children’s safety and well-being, fear of financial ruin, even fear of the idea that all my choices, including the fear based ones, were being controlled, limited and taken away.

When a belief as strong as fear is instilled at an early age, it becomes very hard to overcome later in life as the fear becomes life. The shame around fear runs so deep it becomes unrecognizable as something that, in fact, is not normal or healthy or desirable.

I had lived under the belief of fear for so long, I was no longer aware there was another choice. That I could stop at any time and make another choice, the choice of choosing out of love.

I was living in the hell of fear … and I was choosing it.

Until one day.

A day, while sitting in stillness, I heard a tiny little voice whisper “Make a different choice. Choose from a place of love, not fear. Let go of fear and find love.”

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I started noticing where I was not maintaining my boundaries with others, as I recognized few things are as unloving as lack of healthy boundaries, and made necessary adjustments. I learned not to say “maybe” when I really wanted to say “no.”

The habit of checking in with the question “Is this love or fear?” became second nature as I became stronger in choosing from a place of love.

The energy around me began to shift as I released fear, replaced it with love and felt lighter, more at ease, balanced.

A ripple effect marked changes in those around me, as others began choosing from a place of love as well.

The toxic relationships I had chosen out of fear, slowly fell away as new, loving relationships were formed.

My PTSD triggers minimized, as love healed the wounds they so often poked, granting a level of calmness I had yet to experience.

As I continue to choose love, a life I have never known, a life filled with peace, seemed to effortlessly unfold. The natural flow of love leads me places yet to be explored and discovered. A feeling of bliss encompassed me, guiding me to even more loving choices.

Fear no longer controlled my life, was no longer captain of my ship, and I began living again. True living, not going through the motions of living, but really, truly living.

I no longer live in the hell of fear, but chose to live in the light of love.

Every minute, every hour, every day.

Every choice made, all based on love.