Confessions of a Recovering Jerk

My anger and jealousy have made periods of my life unhappy, unbearable and at times very lonely. Mostly I think it is the jealousy first, which often generates this anger. And I’ve been an a**hole and a jerk.

Before proceeding I am providing this disclaimer: no blame or judgment on people in my life now or in the past, only providing context and what I think is a reasonable explanation for things as they are.

My failures to adjust-cope-or otherwise deal with personal tragedies, disappointments, failures and other negative life experiences is the root of my periods of unhappiness and general assholery in my own life’s journey. Plus the fact that I overthink so many things (actually that benefits me at times).

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So how did I get here? What were my first failures? Let’s take it back to the beginning. Well to be blunt I was somewhat spoiled by my grandparents as a small child, an exceptionally good problem to have! Always shown much love and acceptance by them. My parents were more lenient in their treatment of me also, suppose being the youngest by 4 years may be why. A good guess is I developed a sense of entitlement during those years, expecting that level of acceptance to be the normal standard. That I had been the center of attention so much of the time, that I should always be the center of attention. And when I didn’t feel I was getting the attention or acceptance I felt I was ‘owed’, I got angry and jealous.

What is ironic is that I often feel uncomfortable being the center of attention or getting compliments, but angry and jealous at others getting attention or compliments.

It feels weird to write this, but also feels natural.

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My grandparents were in my life for a very short amount of time but their presence is huge in my life, as alluded to in the above paragraphs. I want to make a few words here for them before moving on. They were incredible human beings, and also flawed like the rest of us. My grandpa in particular was like my best friend, there is so much I could say about this man, he was a giant. He and grandma passed away within a few months of each other, straddling my 9th birthday. It left a giant crater in our family that we never recovered from. Our already fragile family was now deprived of so much love, compassion and leadership that we had become accustomed to, we all suffered this incredible loss.

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I feared conflict. I feared fighting. Up until this point I had to do very little of my own fighting, and I didn’t know much about it. I was an easy target for bullying. It seemed easier to eat shit than to fight back (spoiler-it isn’t). I learned to navigate, by being a fly on the wall, and later on used humor as an effective means of protecting myself, especially when I entered High School. Being part of a crowd was another layer of protection I used.

I would back down. Eat shit. Avoid that fight. Remain quiet. Feel anger and jealousy at not being accepted. When I did push back it was disproportional to the situation and I would push back against the wrong people, often against people who were undeserving of this anger. I was passive-aggressive. It is a bad look.

I used to try to gain acceptance by being the ‘nice guy’, doing what I thought were nice guy things. Doing favors, putting the needs and wants of others ahead of my own. When it didn’t work, when I didn’t get the acceptance I thought being nice would earn me, more anger would consume me, and I would lash out. Anger. Guilt. Jealousy. All the powerful toxins.

I would let the anger build, often unleashing it in either rage or self-medicated harmful behavior. Or throwing it at my loved ones to absorb. This would invite negativity from the universe (that’s right, karma). More negativity would breed more anger. Rinse — repeat. A feedback loop of its own.

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What I am learning. I have to be real.

Fighting is hard, but sometimes necessary. Not speaking of fisticuffs specifically, but defending ones self generally. Learning how to fight is hard. Learning when to fight, and when not to fight is hard. Learning when it is your fight or not, is hard.

Being my genuine self is easier than I thought, much easier than trying to be a nice guy. Being courteous, respectful and dignified while being truthful to myself and others comes more naturally and is more genuine than being nice. It has proven much more successful for gaining acceptance and real connections. Of course this includes respecting social norms and boundaries (read the room, Carl).

The junk needs to get out, in this context that junk is negativity, guilt, shame or any other emotional toxins. In a perfect world it gets out in a constructive manner, or without causing harm. With professional help if necessary. Continue doing the same thing will only get you the same results.

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Thank you for reading. No doubt there are more things for me to confess but for now this will do.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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