Daddy Can't Party Like He Used To

You don’t want to see the after.

Nick Bhasin had a night away from his little miracle baby. It involved a pizza, Tilda Swinton, Bruce Willis, and an imaginary WNBA final. He thinks.

One of the sad facts of parenthood is that your party threshold becomes a lot lower. Sure, you can bail yourself out with the kind of amazing parenting affirmations I toss around, but they won’t help you as you’re making some serious mistakes while hitting the town.

And I made some of these mistakes one Friday night, when I went out with the guys from my basketball team. One of the guys is moving back to the United States of America (maybe you’ve heard of it) and we wanted to give him a bit of a send-off.

Now, I’ve never been a big drinker. I have a polite sherry before bed and that’s about all I can handle. So I was not prepared for the kind of imbibing these guys had planned.

However, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to remember the evening, I made sure to take notes throughout the night.

Here’s a transcript:

7PM

Meeting the guys at a bar. There’s a bouncer counting the people coming in, so you know you’re in a special place. Then you have to enter through an actual barbershop. Adorable!

8PM

Not sure what they put in my Bahama Mama, but it was extremely strong. Almost ate the little umbrella.

9PM

At the restaurant. Drank beer. Food came early. Wanted to drink wine with the food. Poured the wine in the beer. Mistake?

10PM

Made a speech. Started off strong, eventually started crying and yelling. Begged the waiter to hold me.

11PM

Beer and pizza after dinner. Some kind of hotspot. Couldn’t really taste anything anymore. Everyone looks like Tilda Swinton.

12AM

How long was I sitting in that corner? Why is my arm wrapped in a pizza? One of these Tilda’s is talking to me. Who are you?!

1AM

Think I just met Bruce Willis. Introduced myself as a GI Joe character. Can’t remember which one. Loved him in Die Hard.

2AM

Things are getting pretty real. I’m pretending it’s “Game 9” of the WNBA Finals. 72 minutes left in the game. I’m hitting everything.

3AM

Willis is giving me a hard time about hogging the ball. I said, “Quiet down.” He didn’t like that one bit.

4AM

Just lent a pony $300…

And that was it.

◊♦◊

Thank goodness for parenting affirmations! Here we go…

I am a human being and capable of making mistakes, including but not limited to mixing beer and wine and lending money to imaginary animals.

Just because he’s an incredible movie star doesn’t mean I have to feel shame when Bruce Willis tells me to “pass the f&#@^amp;^ing ball” during an imaginary pantomimed women’s basketball playoff game in a bar.