Mismatched sex drives, a picky eater, and family get-togethers. John fields the questions you ask.
Dear John,
My fiancée and I are engaged to be married. Neither of us has ever been married before, and we’re both in our late twenties. We’ve been together for almost two years.
My question concerns how often we have sex. It’s about once a month. I would like it to be more frequently. I have talked with her about this and she says we’re not unusual but I disagree. She has told me she likes having sex with me but isn’t interested in sex in general and doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with our sex life. What do you think? Should a couple in our situation be having sex more often? My fiancée is very religious so we don’t live together. She lives with her parents. I am hoping that when we are living together as husband and wife that we will have sex more often. I would like your opinion about this. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Happy But Could Be Happier
Dear Could Be Happier,
The problem isn’t that you’re having sex too infrequently; the problem is that the two of you have different ideas about how much sex is enough. From the sound of it, you’re not even in the same ballpark – or bedroom, as it were.
There is no right or wrong answer to the question, “How often should we be having sex?” Of course, there’s an average, as there is with any human activity, and once a month for a couple in their late twenties would be below average. But the average is no more the “correct” amount of sex than the average walking speed is the correct pace for everyone.
Have you talked to your fiancée about why she’s not interested in sex? This could be caused by a variety of medical conditions, so the first thing she should do is talk to her physician – not to find out what’s “wrong” with her sex drive, mind you, but to investigate whether there’s an underlying medical issue that should be addressed. If this is the case, treating it may result in an elevation of her sexual desire.
If there is no underlying medical cause, however, you will have to come to terms with the fact that you’re marrying a woman who will want to have sex less frequently than you do. That’s not an insurmountable issue, but it’s not a negligible one, either. And yes, there is a chance that when you’re married and living together, you’ll have sex more frequently, especially if her religious convictions are contributing to her attitude toward sex. That would be unusual, though: as we get older and family life gets more complicated and demanding, the vast majority of couples find themselves having less sex, not more. If you think this might be a problem in your marriage, I would advise you to start looking for a good pre-marital therapist before worrying about a photographer or caterer.
Dear John,
After a couple of health-related scares that turned out to be nothing, I am trying to be more diligent about living a healthy lifestyle for me and my family – my husband and I have two young teen children. Nothing crazy, I just want to set a good example for them by going for walks together around our neighborhood and eating healthier meals and snacks, things like that that I wish we started doing a long time ago. I want to emphasize, nothing crazy. But I feel like a single mother with three kids because my husband is not only not helping, he is actually undermining my efforts, especially at meals. I know the changes I have made with things like eating more fish and vegetables and things like that are not his favorite things to eat, but when they are met with eye rolls, groans, etc., I get angry because these are things that impact our kids, not just him. And I think to have a couple of meals a week that might not be his favorite things to eat but that are good for all of us including him should not be treated like he’s being asked to make the biggest sacrifice anyone has ever made. Here I am trying to make positive changes for our family, and I would like his help. But worse than doing nothing, he is having a negative impact and I am getting less and less patient about it. What should I do?
Signed,
Single-ish Mom
Dear Single-ish Mom,
I agree you sound like a single mom. And your husband sounds the least mature of the three “kids.” Maybe you should start pureeing his meals for him.
The first step, I’m sure you know, is to talk to him about it if you haven’t already. Maybe he doesn’t realize how important this is to you – to all of you, really – or perhaps he’s unaware that if he reacts to your healthy meals this way, he’s giving your kids implicit permission to respond the same way.
But if he’s so selfish that he knows all this and does it anyway, I think you should continue cooking healthy meals for your family. If your husband complains, inform him that this is what you and the kids are having for dinner, but remind him that he’s a grown man who is free to make whatever poor choices he wants to make for himself, so he’s welcome to make his own dinner if he’d prefer something else. Faced with doing something requiring more effort than groaning, I suspect he’ll join you for dinner. And eventually he’ll realize that the meals you’re thoughtfully preparing are not only nutritious, they’re delicious, too.
Dear John,
So here we are again, on the threshold of my least favorite time of the year: the dreaded “holidays.” I come from a big family and everyone is expected to get together at either my parents’ house or one of my siblings’ houses for a big family meal at Thanksgiving and then again at Christmas. And I hate it. Everyone else in my family buys into the whole Norman Rockwell kiddy story about our country, but to me, an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner is like saying, “Would you like to join me in gorging ourselves into a stupor to celebrate the genocide of Native Americans?” And that everyone gathers to eat too much, waste a lot of food, and then let the women clean up while the men watch football games while society pays empty lip service to the idea of “giving thanks” is just the icing on this nauseating cake. The weird thing is everyone, my parents and my brothers and sisters, twist my arm to come, but then when I do, they just want me to shut up. Every year I say it’s the last time I’ll be joining them, but then before I know it, it’s November again, I miss my nieces and nephews (and to be honest, I don’t want to never see them, I just hate the hypocrisy of this particular day), and I know the repercussions of not playing along, so I just bite my tongue and go along. But then I hate myself for doing it. I feel like it’s a no-win situation, like I don’t want to be there and I don’t want to NOT be there either. What can I do to be honest with myself and let my family know I want them to respect my beliefs even if they don’t agree with them without alienating them or causing a big family rift in the process?
Sincerely,
Need A Holiday From The Holidays
Dear Need A Holiday,
Your family members will be far more likely to respect your beliefs if you humbly live them instead of subjecting everyone to a harangue on what is, for them, a festive day. If it’s not too late, I would let them know that you want to show your gratitude for all you have by spending the day helping people who are less fortunate than you are. Then you can volunteer to help deliver meals or feed people in a shelter – whatever you want to do to help people in need. Perhaps afterward, you can still stop by wherever everyone is gathering so you can spend some time with your nieces, nephews, siblings, and parents. That can be your holiday tradition. Will they respect you for it? I have no idea. But I’m pretty sure you’ll respect yourself, which is quite a bit more important.
Originally published on GoLocalProv.com
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Speaking to the amount of sex question: I would definitely advise TAKE ACTION NOW! 1. Pre-marital counseling YES ….. 2. Entice her. Have make out sessions without advancing to the next level. Tell her you’re just looking to hug and kiss her (yes and mean it)… let her make the call to take it further…. see if that works. Drive her wild. 3. Sex isn’t about intercourse. Sex is about how you connect with everything besides intercourse. Your words, your touch, your genuine interest in her, your respect, your joy with her. If the connection is trusting, loving, safe, sweet,… Read more »
@ Lori,
I agree with you.
He needs to bring passion, lust, erotica. He needs to become a lover to this woman.
Seduce her with his words, this touch…..Seduce her! Not to just get sex but to enjoy a passionate connection.
Personally, even when my girlfriend is tired, she wants sex with me! .Why? She responds to my passion and lust for her. I always want her, only her. She knows it. She responds, even if she a bit tired.
When you take your vows generally it involves “to have and to hold, foresaking all others”. I have been happily married for 15 years and still am, but I did tell my wife, I want to have sex with you, frequently. I need to have sex frequently. I only want to do it with you, but if you WILL NOT do it, I will find someone who does… and it will not be wrong. Cheating is wrong because I promised to foresake all others, but that was predicated on me being able to have and hold you. If I cannot,… Read more »
Oh look.. another man who doesn’t want “one of those slutty girls” so he married a woman with a low sex drive to make himself feel better “as a man” then blames it on her when he feels his needs aren’t being met.
Precious.
It may be cliche but women tend to have a lower libido after marriage. I wanted the Slutty girl who liked sex….. married one…..still her libido dropped faster & farther over time than mine has….. 2-3 times a week is about her ideal after 30+ years, I’d double that …… and neither rate comes near the first 5 years of our relationship. Never wanted the “good girl” stereotype nor do most guys…….
@Lynn, Maybe he married a woman who does not find him sexually attractive? Her libido might be fine; just not with him. Regardless of whether a woman is low libido or high libido, if she is not sexually attracted to her husband then the sex is going to be lousy. Just a fact. Lastly, perhaps he is the problem? Does he know how to make love to a woman? His need is physical (per him) while her need might be emotional and physical. She might feel like she is just a piece of ass for him. Just why a man… Read more »
I’m laughing the first step advice to exploring why the young couple in their 20s is only having sex, once a month ~ ah, it could be medical ~ so rule that out first…. UGH, the first response should be STOP!! do not marry until all aspects of the relationship are satisfied. . . AND THEN 2nd response…. what are you doing to entice this woman …… I’m with JMO…. what’s he doing to seduce her? The focus on the number of times they’re having sex is just a frickin’ number….. the question back to him is…. HEY MAN, WHAT… Read more »
Josh….. ugh … poor wife. so he demands frequent sex. did she demand genuine interest? hugs and love during the day… kisses that leave her wanting. Imagine planting one of those luscious wanting kisses on her mouth before you both go off to work in the morning . . . she’s going to be thinking about that ALL … DAY …. LONG. and when you reunite, entice her again, kiss her deeply in the nape of the neck and let her advance it….. MAKE HER WANT YOU!! DRIVE HER CRAZY…… not, I… expect … sex…. three…. times…. a ….. week….… Read more »
No less gross or boring or entitled than a woman whining that she should be seduced or driven wild when her actions show she’s done little to warrant the effort.
Dear could be happier,
I’m writing to you from the other side of the marriage ceremony. There definitely seems to be less sex over here. I would put all marriage plans on hold until you reach an understanding on how your sexual needs and wants are going to be met. Feeling trapped and unsatisfied is a miserable experience. Don’t put yourself in a position where your choices are cheat, divorce, or suffer through it.
@ the ghost…
“Feeling trapped and unsatisfied is a miserable experience.”
You are 1000% correct. He should NOT go through with this marriage. It will only get worse – NO SEX!
She says she enjoys sex with him. She is being thoroughly disingenuous. If she really enjoyed the sex, she would be screwing him far more often.
He needs to read the signs here. Otherwise, he is going to be utterly miserable in the marriage.
Who knows. While she is a religious woman, that does not mean she is not sexing someone else. This sort of thing DOES happen.