It’s time to take another trip on the King Ryan time machine.
Y’all didn’t know I had a time machine, did you?
The date: February 5, 1994
The place: My den in the house I grew up in Tuscaloosa.
The event: Yeeeeeah…we need to talk about that.
This was a Saturday. I was 16 years old. This was the day I took the ACT college entrance exam for the first time. I got in the 1987 Ford Ranger I was driving and went across to the Alabama campus to take the test.
I was almost late. This was the very first time I was stopped by the train on Hackberry Lane. It sure wasn’t the last.
But before I left the house that morning, I couldn’t get past this feeling of heaviness and agony in the air. To say the energy was heavy is the biggest understatement of my life.
That night around 10:30, I’m about to watch Patrick Stewart on SNL. Why I remember that I’ll never know.
My mom knocks on the door and asks me to join her in the den.
Man…I’ll never forget the words that came out of her mouth. With a shakiness and fear in her voice, Mom said words to me that are tattooed to my soul.
“Ryan, your father has been doing crack cocaine. He’s been on it for a while.”
My Dad…my hero…was an addict.
I mean, both my parents drank, but I never thought much of it…y’know, at the time. I’ve come to grips with their alcoholism. And I’ve dang sure done a lot of work on this in the intervening 25 years or so.
I’ve done a ton of healing inner work lately. Shadow work, if you will. But nothing prepared me for the completion I took on around my Dad and what happened.
During a coaching call last summer, there was a heaviness in my energy. This heavy energy was blocking me from taking the actions I needed to take to get the particular thing done.
I’m sorry, I don’t remember the exact context of what led up to this.
For the record, “completion” is just coach speak for forgiveness.
My coach challenged me to get complete on something. And I saw some value in looking at the situation with my Dad.
During the actual practice I took on, I felt like I’d been rode hard and put up wet. I was scream-crying. I was in knots by the end of this.
But by the end of the practice, I felt like I’d lost 100 pounds. All the energy I’d been carrying had been weighing on my soul. And I couldn’t abide by it anymore.
See, this is what happens when you release a quarter-century-long grudge.
So today I’d like to share a few tips I’ve learned about what forgiveness truly means. And how you can get complete around the energy holding YOU back.
As I shared last week, I recently had a relationship end. And I also had a relationship come close to ending.
The relationship that ended was being held together by duct tape and baling wire anyway. I should have let it go long before I actually did.
I took on getting complete around both of these relationships. Getting complete has allowed me to approach life on both accounts with more power and more certainty than I had before.
Yet again, the energy was heavy – especially on the relationship that ended. But I forgave myself for the mistakes that cost me in that relationship.
So here are four simple tips you can take on in your own life to release that heaviness around people who “do you dirty” (whatever that means) and to be able to move on powerfully.
- Are you willing to forgive? You’ve got to be willing to forgive. If you’re the sort of person who enjoys holding grudges against people – y’know, like I do sometimes – then don’t take this on. But if you truly believe that freeing yourself from this negative energy can benefit you, then jump in with both feet.
- Is the heavy energy around a person or an event triggered by this person? By this, I mean, are you upset or hurt about an event with this person or are you upset about this person as a whole? Consider that the thing I shared about my Dad wasn’t about him. I mean, it became about him and why I couldn’t trust him (and how he spent mine and my sister’s trust funds on cocaine). The incompletion was around what he did, not who he was.
- Say what you need to say. This can go one of two ways. You could either write this person a letter (but don’t you dare send it. I’ll tell you why in a few paragraphs.) Or you could take on what I call the “Empty Chair Exercise.” This is where you get a picture of the person you have the incompletion around, and you say what you need to say to this picture. But get it all out. Cry, scream, do whatever you have to do but get it out.
- Acknowledge and speak into existence what this person means for you. If the person didn’t matter to you, they wouldn’t hold the energy over you. This person is clearly important to you. Help yourself get back in touch with who this person is or was for you.
In tip 3, I mention that you shouldn’t send the letter. That may seem a little counterproductive, but here’s why I say this.
None of this work is about them. Not a single bit of this work is about them.
It’s all about you!
Even in the situation with my Dad, it was never about Tony as a person. My anger and resentment were around what he did.
What I was incomplete about was my reaction to what he did and what it meant and still means for me. I let the lack of trust that built with him after his addiction was discovered turn me into a fearful and distrustful person.
I don’t really like to be this way. In fact, I f****** hate it.
Holding onto grudges does nothing for anyone.
I take that back. It does a lot for you if you enjoy holding onto heavy energy, hating yourself, and fearing people you used to love and trust.
Take on these steps. And let me know how it comes out.
This may be the quickest way you can lose weight. Get complete and forgive yourself.
Forgive the person. But never forget the lesson.
P.S. I took the ACT three different times but the best score I had was February 5, 1994. Go freakin’ figure.
Get complete y’all. It may just save your sanity.
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.