It’s question time:
Anyone out there afraid to share yourself vulnerably from the heart? Anyone out there afraid to put your heart on your sleeve? Are you afraid to do this for risk of embarrassment and that the person you’re sharing with will disappear into the ether?
I sure was. Read more…
I have an awkward confession to make. I’m a little surprised it’s taken me a year of writing here every week for this to come up.
Don’t judge me, y’all.
What keeps you safe also robs you of authenticity.
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I, Ryan Hall, am an accomplished man. I’m a published novelist. I’m a graduate of the world’s finest coach training program. And I’m not only accepted, but loved by men and women who I admire on a deep, philosophical level. I even look really good – I mean, 50 plus pounds gone! Not missing it either.
I’ve transformed my life from the inside out. I am a new man and getting newer every day.
Here’s my confession:
I’m not good in the kitchen. I can cook very few things that aren’t on a grill. And even on the grill, I’m not great.
I – Coach Ryan – am the king of the Kitchen Fail.
Why do I bring this up? Why am I bad mouthing my kitchen skills?
Because I’ve felt a lot like the valve on a pressure cooker lately.
Yeah, I know that’s a stretch. But it’s the analogy that flowed from my fingers.
Let’s rewind and season this with a little ontological spice.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of strong suits lately. These are suits that fit you like a glove, but they’re not exactly made by Brooks Brothers.
Consider that as a youngster, something happened to you that teaches you that life isn’t safe. That you’re not safe.
What develops from this event in your life (and there’s always more than one of these events) is that you develop a mechanism that keeps you safe. And while this mechanism keeps you safe, it also robs a little from your authenticity.
For example, one of my strong suits is that I never get out of line or get in trouble. That I play things extra safe. Of course, that all got blown to hell by packing my life and moving cross country a few months ago.
This particular mechanism was born from the time that my aunt Joy and uncle Carey were killed in a car crash when I was seven years old. At that point in my life I learned that not only was I not safe, but that this could really make mom and dad upset. And I hated making them upset. (Joy was my mom’s sister and Carey was her husband.)
Even now at the age of 40, I see so many aspects of this strong suit pulling me down. Keeping me from living from my deepest, highest, and most authentic self.
I have a story about me that if anyone ever knew my deepest, darkest secrets that nobody would like me anymore. That if anyone knew that I still slept with a stuffed Winnie the Pooh and Kermit the Frog well into my teen years, I’d never be respected again.
Wait…did I write this out loud? I’m not deleting it!
But did I really just share that?
Move along…nothing to see here…
In all seriousness, I believe that I have kept too much under wraps. This has really stolen from my intimate relationships in so far that I haven’t had many.
I come right up to the edge of really sharing myself openly and honestly, and I pull back. I lower my head to get through the line of scrimmage, and I get met by my old friend resistance.
Resistance just happens to be a 250-lb. linebacker with a mean streak and a torpedo for a head.
I mean, have you ever heard the Carl Jung quote: “What we resist, persists?”
I’m just sayin’…
“Coach Ryan?”
Yes?
“The pressure cooker?”
Oh yeah…right.
Let’s say there’s something you really want to share with someone? But you don’t believe that sharing this thing would benefit your relationship with that person. You believe this person might get so turned off that they don’t want to have anything to do with you anymore if you share this thing. They might run away faster than the spirit of Florence Griffith Joyner.
All you want to share with them is that you’re scared about something in your relationship. But you believe that will make you look weak. And you hold it back. And you get more scared. And you hold back more because you don’t want to infect your negative energy on this person. And on it on it goes until…
* ka-blam * Your pressure cooker blowed up real good and you’ve got pasta sauce from one end of your house to the other.
And yes, I said “blowed up real good.” What’s your point? It’s a thing – google it!
I believe that I have kept too much under wraps. This has really stolen from my intimate relationships in so far that I haven’t had many.
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This example I bring up is from my own life. There has been something I wanted to say to someone. I wanted to tell her some fears that I had. I was terrified to share this because if I shared this, I’d be seen as weak and unmanly. And I may be many things – but unmanly and weak aren’t in the ballpark.
Y’all see the pretzel logic in this?
I finally shared this with her. And did she turn on the afterburners? Nope!
Based on what she said in response, and my intuition, I believe it’s going to make our relationship stronger.
The moral of this story is this: don’t be a pressure cooker. It’s not needed. If what you have to say will turn someone off that bad that they run…do you really need that person in your life?
If you’re looking to open your heart to the people that matter the most to you, and you might not know how, I’d love to work with you. This is what I do.
Slots are available with Team Ryan Coaching but going fast. Email me at [email protected] and we can set up a free sample coaching session.
Two quick announcements:
- We’re starting a coaching group in August. If you’re looking to get a creative project off the ground, email me for more information.
- Also, speaking of creative projects, I’m going to be partnering with a fellow rock star coach on a podcast project. Watch my social media to know when it’s going to be Magic Time…
Photo by Katie Tegtmeyer