Tips for Better Sexual Relationships

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I live in NYC where many women strive to be the best dressed, fittest and sexiest creature possible. I have watched no shortage of visiting friend get a case of NY woman related whiplash as he spins his neck around aiming for an owl like ability he’s doesn’t inherently possess.

That being said, sex is a desire that I’m thoroughly familiar with. So in order to provide for my fellow man in a wider scope I put together what I’ve learned.  Enjoy.

Know yourself/Have substance

If you’re looking for someone to consider letting you become intimate with them you should have more than a passing familiarity with who you are. When I say this I don’t mean know your name or where you went to school or what flavor ice cream is best, those are stats and an opinion.

When you are seriously going to pursue another human being it’s basic courtesy to have done the work of knowing what kind of person you are.

What matters to you? What makes you come alive?

If you really want to rock her world being connected to your own passion for being alive is a powerful asset. If you don’t know, if this inquiry sounds really foreign, it’s ok. There’s no rush to already know, I have a good hunch that women and sex will still exist and be possible later on.

The time you take to sit with this will only guarantee you have better and more desirable sex with the added benefit of her quite likely wanting it from you again (and again…)

Appreciate sensuality

This one’s a biggie, this is the language many women speak in. The more you can learn a dialect that you’re comfortable in the more it will pay off.

Odds are since you were little and first became aware of things like your genitals, women, and thoughts of putting those two together you thought about it in mechanical/how-to terms.

There was probably “the talk” from someone about what goes where and maybe some supposed signs to look for that it was going well, like she said it was ok or screamed “yes” at some point.

Surprisingly there is a better way!

You know how stores that many women congregate at like nail salons, Victoria’s Secret, Bath and Bodyworks feel different or even weird? Well that weird feeling is something that some men barely understand—engaging the senses and turning them on. Those stores and places think about how they look, smell, how to make a woman feel good in her body.

Now I’m not suggesting you go right out and cover your house in candles and fill it with massage oil, cause that’s not appreciation, that’s a move. What I am suggesting is getting acquainted with your senses one by one:

– Learn to make eye contact. Feel what it’s like to not only see a person before you but allow them to look into you.

– When you eat something, appreciate the taste, really see if you can sense what parts of your tongue its hitting and how that makes you feel. Slow down and savor.

– When you look at a woman, really take a look at every part. What’s her body language like? Does she hold her head high? Are her clothes often textured a certain way, leather, lace, constricted, free? The way she wraps herself as she goes out in the world might give you a greater sense of how she wants the man she chooses to hold her.

– Listen. Not just to the words but the breaths between them, the tone, the high and low keys as she shares who she is. They contain clues you can’t get from simply being able to recite back what she said.

Be willing to not have sex

I know this one sounds crazy, but it’s probably the most important one. If everything you’re doing to get sex doesn’t include this, you’re sunk.

Let me really elaborate here: Being willing to not have sex does not look like pouting to her about how you’re not having sex. It doesn’t look like ignoring her and being disinterested then jumping her at the first opportunity that she gets close to you. That is showing her you’re a child who wants a toy or a brute who wants to destroy.

Being willing to not have sex looks like being a man, a man who realizes that he is only one part of the equation involved in sex occurring and that if there’s any part of her that feels unsafe, unstimulated, unable, conflicted or just doesn’t want to that it is not the end of the world.

The reason this matters for you as a man is the more you can get right with realizing, expressing and owning your desires as valid without requiring the validation to come from her actions, her body the more you are worth as an individual and the less your presence costs.

There is no shortage of men looking for something from a woman, there are far fewer who harness and possess it within themselves. Those few are valuable, you can be one of them and inspire the men and women around you with a quality they’ll sense.

This post originally appeared at Spirituality for the Sarcastic and republished to Medium.

Photo: iStock