From Drinking and Drugging or Getting Shot or in Jail

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As I left my house on this beautiful Sunday morning the first thing I witnessed was a powerful beautiful black man running down the middle of the street shoeless and naked except for his boxer shorts. He had just jumped out of a second-floor window. He was running into oncoming traffic, eyes bloody red, swinging powerful roundhouse punches at invisible enemies, shouting and raging in a voice as deep and rich as Barry Whites. His words were unintelligible except for the word “N****R”. He was out of his mind on K2 or Dust. He was insane with rage. He was being ridden by a demon. He was crazy with self-hate. He was suicidal and trying to commit murder, was trying to kill what he hated. He was trying to murder a n****r…

My brother Bandit died at 55 yrs old in July. He drank and drugged himself to death. The last time I saw him was 3 yrs ago at my uncle Danny’s funeral. My uncle had drank and drugged himself to death at 55 yrs old too. After the funeral Bandit and I took a walk. I told him that if he didn’t stop he’d end up like Danny soon. He said “That’s how a n****r like me supposed to die. From drinking & drugging or getting shot or in jail”. He said it like a joke.

Bandit was smarter than me, handsome, charming, strong & talented. He often started sentences with “A n*****r like me…”

He was suicidal too. He chose a slow miserable death. He murdered a n*****r.

I hate this system. This system that insidiously causes us black men to internalize self-hate that manifests as rage against ourselves and those that look like us. That drives us insane and breaks us. That has us drinking and taking drugs to numb the pain. That has us jumping out of windows on beautiful Sunday mornings and throwing punches at invisible demons calling them N*****r. That has us hate us.

I love me and I love us. I can only fight hate with love. That is what I intend to do with every bit of energy God grants me.

I love you…
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Patrick Dougher was born and raised in Brooklyn. He is an artist, musician, and educator with over 30 years’ experience as a fine artist and drummer/percussionist and over 20 years’ experience in working for community-based arts and social justice organizations. To learn more about Patrick and his work, read this profile on him or visit him on Facebook.
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