The Good Men Project
We are the only international conversation about the changing roles of men in the 21st century.
We have pioneered the largest worldwide conversation about what it means to be a good man in the 21st century.
Your support of our work is inspiring and invaluable.
Already have account?Please login in here
December 10, 2012 by Anonymous
This content has been removed removed by the editors.
I applaud this article. It was brutally honest which is exactly what we need. It was insightful, introspective and true.
Wow, dude. Grow up already. “Some might think it’s monstrous of me to keep drinking, keep partying. But I have had so many good, positive, happy experiences because I took a chance and altered my state and connected with someone else sexually, it seems crazy to throw all that away. ” Monstrous, no. Idiotic yes. If you can’t find good, positive, happy experiences without “altering your state”, and especially if you can’t connect with someone sexually without getting drunk, then I really feel sorry for you. Because that is a sad, pathetic waste of a life. You would rather risk… Read more »
I feel physically sick. This is one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read, and the comments are equally horrifying. I don’t even feel like I can leave the house after reading this.
Agreed. This is horrific.
I’m sickened by the idea that there are groups of people who share this view and these people are at the parties our kids are attending. It chills my blood.
This entire article is bull. I was the ‘party guy’ for more than 20 years, and to this day probably drink more than is healthy. I have been blacked out more times than I can count (literally), on every substance known to man. Never once did I come anywhere near ‘technical’ rape, non-technical rape, digital rape, analog rape, whatever, nor did any of my friends. Substances lower inhibition more than they make someone into a completely different person. If a behavior is completely beyond your capacity when you’re sober, no amount of boozing is going to change that. This has… Read more »
I have a two drink rule. I won’t have sex with someone if I have a reason to believe they’ve had more than two drinks. That does bring up the medication issue though. I have friends on meds that exacerbate the alcohol issues, and I’ve even known people to pop a klonopin along with their drink. I definitely make a point to avoid any sexual contact with people who do such things. I quit drinking a while back because I was an alcoholic. I can’t help thinking this is an extremely complex issue. Several people had sex with me while… Read more »
I remember one time when I was abroad a few years ago. I ate some bad food, got sick (vomiting and diarrhea) and went to bed early. My girlfriend stayed out and came back from a party tipsy and woke me up wanting sex. As you can imagine I REALLY didn’t feel like it. But she was horny and insistant so I gave her what she wanted and went back into medicated sleep straight afterwards. Does this make her a rapist? What about the time we did shots and went to bed together and she didn’t remember about us doing… Read more »
I’ve certainly had drunken sex I regretted. Most of the time, I’d say I just made a poor choice and the alcohol destroyed my judgement. To call that ‘rape’, or feel raped, just doesn’t really seem fitting when I’ve also been sexually assaulted whilst fully aware. I’m not saying it’s good to take advantage of someone, it’s immoral, but I’m sorry, it’s just not ‘rape’. I mean, what happens if both parties are very, very drunk? Who’s to blame? It seems most people would automatically blame the male, but if he’s just as incapable of making clear decisions as she… Read more »
It seems we’re also talking about alcoholism here.
I have had the experiences that he describes: Orgies, sexy hook-ups, incandescently beautiful moments where reality was blurred and I made connections with complete strangers.
The part that confuses me is the part where the writer insists that one has to be drunk, high, or both in order to have these experiences. Most of mine happened while I was sober, and the remaining few times did not involve large amounts of booze and none of them involved drugs.
From where I’m standing, requiring enough booze to be blackout drunk to have a good time is just plain doing it wrong.
I do understand the intoxicatingly blissful euphoria that comes with an electric dim lit crowded bar, throbbing heightened displays of loose wit and zeal which only manifest with crowds who have been indulging in booze and drugs. I also get that you need to rationalize your inappropriate actions when indisposed to think clearly for the sake of falling asleep at night But I am not on your side. Because anonymous, it doesn’t sound like you have put into place any changes to your lifestyle to ensure this horrendous act doesn’t happen again when you have another particularly big night. I’m… Read more »
THANK YOU STACEY.
That’s not very sound logic. They don’t kick people out of AA for showing up with an alcohol problem an no action plan. That’s absolutely absurd. This guy just dropped a bomb and still doesn’t know what to think of it, but he admitted that something is wrong. That’s step one. In recovery, it goes – Admitting you have a problem (check) Recognizing a higher power that can give strength (in this case, knowledge and informed discussion) Examining past errors with the help of a sponsor (newsflash, we’re gonna have to be the sponsors) Making amends (because recovery DOESN’T begin… Read more »
Thanks for your honesty, OP. I actually appreciated it. But it seems me that you’ve so entrenched yourself in the ritual of undiscriminating, uninhibited sex that you don’t realize your own ability to snap out of it and behave in a way that is perhaps less destructive for both yourself and others. So you’ve realized that you yourself may have been victimized in the past, and you don’t really know how you feel about it but you certainly don’t feel like a rape survivor. That’s all well and good for you. And you feel like since you have conflicted feelings… Read more »
This account should be both a wake-up call AND proof of the absurdity and dangerous consequences of the inflation of the value of the meaning of the word “rape” – the very fact that it’s possible to talk about such a thing as “gray-rape” demonstrates this dangerousness. The maximalist idea that “everything short of explicit verbal consent is rape”, which makes 90% of sex “rape”, is dangerous in that it banalizes rape. Anyone who is not impared beyond judgment knows whether a person is consenting or not. And anyone who is too impared to judge is therefore, by this very… Read more »
I’m glad you’re fine with raping people. Your peace of mind is the most important, after all.
I like the way you nicely skipped over his thoughts of his own potential victimhood when he too is too drunk to consent. But then i guess using your own style of phrase; “I’m glad you are fine with men being raped. A woman’s right to choose is the most important after all”.
Please try and read the whole article first, I am not condoning this mans behaviour or attitude, but his account is far more complex than a simple mea culpa
this article scared the shit out of me, and that’s a good thing. reading it reiterated to me that i’ve been on both sides of (and witnessed without doing anything about) a lot of grey-area situations like those described and crystallized a thought i’ve been having for a while: i need to stop drinking so much. i’ve been sober since i read this article last week, and a week is a big deal for me. basically i learned from this guy who doesn’t want to stop partying that i do want to stop partying. really scary, really educational. thanks for… Read more »
Good for you. I, too have lived that party lifestyle. I’ve hung out with alot of guys, played alot of beer pong, and on occasion gotten myself into situations I didn’t want. Despite considering myself a feminist, I never ‘cried rape’, I blamed myself. After seeing it happen firsthand to other girls, and hearing the stories out of the mouths of men who I was friends with, who relentlessly pursued and took advantage of women and then lied and claimed ‘she was all into me’, I’ve realized how messed up the entire social dynamic is. More people need to understand… Read more »
Disregard the feminist whinging. Drunken, semi-conscious sex is problematic on its own, but nowhere as bad as forcible, conscious rape. The linkage is an attempt by feminists to overplay the victim card and lend moral credence to their own biases.
Any time you accuse someone of playing a “card,” note that you are being a serious a*hole.
“Nowhere as bad.” Gimme a break. Like you can tell someone who’s been raped that there’s a hierarchy to the pain they feel. “I’m sorry that you were raped and you feel used dear, but at least you weren’t conscious for most of it!”
I agree. “Date rape” is just as bad. Rape is rape. If she is too drunk to say no, that doesn’t mean she is saying yes.
A statement with a “Nowhere as bad.” clause does NOT imply emotional equivalence between two different things. Other sorts of harm exist than emotional harm. Having something or someone physically harm is not emotional. Having someone violate your privacy is a sort of harm, but it is not emotional. Having someone steal your property is a sort of harm, but it is not emotional in and of itself, because people do sometimes give up their property voluntarily or not care if they have one or two articles of their property stolen. You might be right, Betty and Erika, about “date… Read more »
Here’s a rationale for why date rape and forcible rape can be as bad as each other – they both involve entering someone else’s body without that person’s permission, and they both involve forgetting or ignoring that that thing you’re shagging is an actual human being. And comparing rape to theft of possessions is weak! If someone the victim knows gets some satisfaction out of a situation, then the victim should be happy (even though they’ve been robbed or raped) their good pal is having a nice time. Really?? Sometimes people are raped forcibly and violently by people they actually… Read more »
I was drugged and raped. I had one drink that night. I was held down by three people after I blacked out and an entire bottle of tequila was poured down my throat (I only know this now because a friend confessed to me what had really happened later on). Close to thirty people, most of them knew me, watched. A guy I never found attractive and never flirted with had sex with me while I was passed out. I almost died. ALL of those people backed him up with their silence and meanwhile, I couldn’t walk for three weeks… Read more »
Anne, that sounds like something called the Big Dan’s rape case that happened back in the ’80’s not far from where I grew up. I’m so sorry for your experience. Did you continue living in that town, or did you have to move away and start over? I can’t even imagine.
I haven’t been able to read all of the comments here, but I would like to give another perspective. I college, I was an extremely hard partier. I drank too much, and passed out all of the time. I regret some of the things that I said and did while under the influence, but, like the author of this piece, I was having too much fun to stop. Here’s the difference between the author and I: If I had ever done anything that I found out later had hurt someone, I don’t think I could have continued with that lifestyle.… Read more »
So you’re a guy, you’re out partying with a bunch of other guys, and you all get really drunk, and you’re all laughing and horsing around and slapping each other on the back, and you and another guy walk out to his truck to grab another bottle of booze. and this guy (he outweighs you by 50 pounds) knocks you to the ground, pins you down, pulls you pants down and shoves his penis up your butt – but hey, you were coming on to him, right? You were laughing and drinking – you even touched him. Obviously you wanted… Read more »
That’s a cut-and-dried case of violent rape, no matter what combination of genders.
What relevance does your story have to this article at all?
Dear Sir: I doubt you’ll take this advice until you hit some sort of rock bottom or your friends and family call you out on it. Your behavior is extremely dangerous, reckless, and self destructive (not to mention destructive to others as you are aware that you engage in rape). You’re likely to end up in jail, in a car crash, father to an unplanned child, a crapped out liver, or with a dangerous STD as it is clear that you frequently drink to the point that your judgement fails you and you have blackouts. IF your name becomes associated… Read more »
This is all very well and I respect the honesty of the guy posting it however he is clearly confusing two situations here. Firstly is first paragraph about him raping the girl at the party was clearly rape and him reffering to it as “harsh third base” is massively offensive. He then seems to compare this situation with situations that are not rape at all. he talks about a girl who drank two glasses of wine which mixed with her medication that she consentual drank then was throwing herself over a guy… if she had never made it obvious she… Read more »
The problem is it depends on who you talk to. There was an article linked here that “described Rape Culture” earlier that would argue that sleeping with someone who is drunk IS in fact rape, and if they had it their way sleeping with someone who is drunk (not passed out, not forceful, but two people actively engaging in sex while one of them is drunk) would be considered rape. As for the author’s assertion that he is a rape victim, he doesn’t say he regrets the encounters, rather he says that he doesn’t remember them: Was he unconscious and… Read more »
Sex is about kissing and being kissed, licking and being licked and so on. If you can’t figure that out when your “partner” “fails” to kiss or lick you back, then, man, you’ve got no idea about what sex is. If you think that sex is that little high you get all alone in your bathroom reading magazines with pretty pictures in them, then go ahead and do it without using other people’s bodies – you can’t appreciate the difference. I’m sick and tired of ignorant pathetic j*rks like you. Women deserve better than a quick pin against the wall,… Read more »
Is the @anonymous for real? Can it be that this gut bucket has made no replies?
I guess I’m just wondering how those he parties with feel about his views on rape is a part of life. If he disclosed this view, how would that affect his ability to party? It all seems very cowardly, if you’re going to say you have this right what about the others around you. You are a danger to others.
I’m gonna keep harping on this point: Nobody driving their cars around asks me how I feel about the danger of violent death being part of life when I’m riding my bicycle. Yet I’ve seen enough “good drivers” do things that make it a very, very real possibility.
Hey Guy, just so you know – as long as you’re okay with raping, I’m totally okay with your victim murdering your dumb ass. As a woman, I carry a knife for self-defense at all times because of ignorant, selfish, psychotic idiots like you. One of these days you’re going to run into a girl like me who is perfectly fine driving home the meaning of the word “No” with the sharp end of her hunting knife. Ladies, stop trying to reason with idiots. Be willing to defend yourself by any means necessary – that’s pretty much the only way… Read more »
I suggest making sure you learn how to use it, as often weapons the victim had can be used against them. You don’t want to be bringing them more power of course. Krav Maga from what I’ve seen is a pretty decent form of self-defense and could help out but I fear that in this situation the victim is most likely so drunk she or he cannot fight back
Why is he so afraid to post his name to this piece? If he’s admitting to partaking in such meaningless actions, why not be man enough to put a name to this public article?
“Here’s the plain, awful fact: people can have more and better sex drunk than they can sober. : That’s called Doing It Wrong.
Very wrong. I have had sex under the influence of alcohol exactly once. It wasn’t nearly as good, because I couldn’t be nearly as inventive.
I could probably have better sex when tipsy as it would be enough to mellow out my insecurities, being drunk though would make it difficult to perform.
Join The Good Men Project conversation and get updates by email.
Friend's Email Address
Your Email Address