I’m Addicted to Women’s Desire

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I’m addicted to women’s desire
It seems to be one of the main ways I measure my self worth
This creates a lack of safety for women I interact with

Because I need something from them
I need them to respond to me a certain way to feel okay
So I don’t show up in my full authenticity
I contort myself to fit an image of how I imagine they will perceive me as most attractive

I deceive them
I betray them
As I betray myself

I project my insecurities onto women when they don’t receive me, when they don’t move toward me, in the way I desire
I subject them to the wrath of my low self-esteem
I rope them into countless hours of processing

I do not celebrate their celebration of life
Their celebration of others
It needs to be all about me
All the desire
All the attention
MINE

Now I’m bringing vulnerability into this game
I’ve learned that this is attractive to many women
I’m doing it now
Is it working?
Are you attracted to the self-aware vulnerable guy?
Okay good
I can feel good about myself now
I’m okay
Thank you for telling me how wonderful I am
Don’t stop
This hole is bottomless

Feed me
With your gratitude for my vulnerability
Call me the divine masculine
Mmm… so good
Now I can rest
In the knowing that I am conditionally attractive

I can no longer play the innocent card
Because I see it more clearly now
And I’m no longer willing to lie to either one of us
I don’t want to engage from this place
Honesty is the best I can do

I forgive myself for deceiving us
There was innocence for a time perhaps
And maybe there still is
I don’t know
But with awareness comes motivation for change
Motivation to own my unconscious behaviors as they become conscious

This isn’t okay
It’s not what I want
It’s not who I desire to be

It’s bullsh*t
I’m done
I don’t know what that looks like
I just want out of this game

It isn’t love
It’s manipulation
It’s hiding
It’s limiting
It’s not the expansive being I wish to embody
It denies the world of the greatest gift I have to offer

Me

Not the me that dances for desire
The me that blinds others with his radiant light
By being true to himself
Trusting himself
Being honest with himself and others

And you can be this honest mirror for me, if you like
By not letting me get away with this sh*t
Call me out
Help me see
Honor yourself with your no
So that I may learn to love us both
And embody the radiance I wish to Be
For the benefit of All

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A version of this post was originally posted on TroyCohen.Wordpress.com and is republished here with permission from the author.