The biggest flaw that I have (though most would call it a virtue, I suppose) is that if I think you’re worth it, I’ll help you until I can’t stand it anymore. I’ll throw you every single life-line I can and stand by trying to get you to hold on to it. I’ll beg you to realize your self-worth and try to make your life better. I will literally tear myself apart trying to improve your life.
The following is from my Facebook after a long day of work that was oddly satisfying;
Last night, I finished working and went outside before coming home. It was snowing, and I stood outside in the snow, looking up. It appeared like I was falling upwards into the sky, where nothing could touch me.
I felt free. (I also had a few post-shift beers in me, and was in a good place.) I realized a few things.
1. I truly, honestly, deeply… Do NOT give a fuck anymore. I’m living my life to just have fun and enjoy what I have. The rest of you can live your life to please someone else. Me, I want to enjoy the people in my life who WANT to be in my life. I’m going to enjoy my life while I’m still breathing.
2. The rest of you can argue over shit. I’m done trying to convince people of anything. As a philosopher once said, “Ain’t got no time for bird sex.” You can’t control others, you can only control yourself.
3. I am filled with such a tremendous love of life that I quite simply don’t want to associate with people who look at their lives as some kind of mindless drudgery. People like that just take the life out of life. Fuck that. Make your money, smoke your weed, drink your beer and make merry. Love one another, or leave each other alone.
Life is too short for anything else. God’s not going to help people who believe that the gift of life he gave you is a burden. (I’ll disregard my atheism for a split second…) If he exists, he doesn’t care about your petty squabbles. If he exists, he couldn’t give any less of a shit about which any of your stupid bullshit. If he exists, he only cares how you treat other people.
Jesus said, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.” (John 13:34) THERE ARE NO CAVEATS OR ADDENDUM TO THIS! PERIOD! Jesus didn’t stutter when this was spoken. Treat the most downtrodden of us as you would treat the whole of humanity, because to do less than that reveals you to be nothing but a waste of the luminous being you could be.
Seek out new experiences and cherish every one of them, even the harsh ones. Love every single person who will accept your love and disregard those who won’t. Allow others the respect you would damn well want for yourself. Make love to the world. Become not just the light, but the darkness as well. Become the calm and the storm. Become the vessel, both filled and empty. Fulfill your destiny as a vessel of your creator, whether the creator is some all-powerful God figure, or the machinations of some physical equation, and don’t kill each other over which is which.
I don’t have the heart for hate anymore. I don’t have the ability to give a shit about people’s gripes about those who are different than they are.
I only have the heart to stand in the snow and fly, and love.
One sentence within this little diatribe is one that I have a VERY hard time dealing with. “You can’t control others, you can only control yourself.” I’m usually the one people come to when they have problems, either technical, logical or just general advice. I don’t particularly know why. Perhaps it’s because I’ll help until I’m physically ill. I don’t know how to say “enough is enough”.
A friend of mine told me, “people who keep putting themselves in those kind of positions need to reach rock bottom in order to finally reclaim the self worth to do anything about the situation that brought them there in the first place.” It was the piece of advice that finally spoke to me in terms I could understand. It’s the battered wife who keeps going back to him, after believing him time and time again.
“I’ll never do it again, baby…”
For years, I have tried to help someone who refuses to be helped. She goes back and back and back, never putting two and two together that this series of events will end with her bleeding and possibly dead. Logic won’t work, reason won’t work. Caring will not work.
She has to hit bottom and decide for herself when enough is enough.
The hardest part foe me is deciding to keep my distance to allow it to happen. I really don’t know any other way to make her see what’s happening.
Until, I can only hope that I don’t see anything for myself, because I WILL go to jail for doing something about it.