Continues from Part 1
Kallen: How do you deal with the anxiety of conflict when there’s so much uncertainty?
Julie: To solve a conflict, seek to understand the other person and what they genuinely need.
It is normal to feel anxious when conflict arises and to become queasy when you don’t know how someone will react to what you say. They might get angry, argue, shut down, cry or leave the room.
You don’t know what will happen until you try it. Then you must work to understand how they feel.
Defusing and avoiding conflict requires a deep understanding of people’s needs. Productive solutions can only arise out of recognition of those needs.
You can achieve understanding by answering the following three questions to improve the experience and the outcome of the conflict.
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What do you need to be OK with this?
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While it is nice to have people like you, it might not be easy to achieve when they have to compromise with you.
Ask your questions and listen closely to their answers. Don’t sidestep their critical needs. It will help to repeat what you hear them say to make sure you both got it right.
Match up their stated needs with yours and agree on what the two of you want to achieve.
Then, figure out a plan for how you can work both independently and together to make the plan work. “If you do this, I will do that.” Keep the end in mind throughout the conversation.
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What values you seek to maintain?
Pay attention to how values and personal history influence what people say in conversation. There might be undefined reasons that the person is seeking to address, but has a hard time identifying.
It might be something from their past that drives the need for respect, honesty and recognition. Try to learn what other objectives shape a person’s position beyond what they are telling you.
There may be creative ways to satisfy those needs and use them as building blocks for a solid solution.
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How will we communicate and work together?
Define the expectations and make a plan. Agree on what actions you will take and how you will communicate with each other.
Decide on when to spend time together and when to work alone independently. Set the meetings up in advance.
Most important, make the commitment and follow through on all the actions in your plan.
The full article was originally published on Reaching The Finish Line, where you can also win a copy of The Journey of Not Knowing.
Photo: Pixabay