Sherri Rosen shares her experience of why it’s so important to reconcile with your parents when they die.
How is your relationship with your mum and dad? Has your mum or dad or both died?
We all have a history with our mums and dads. Even if we don’t speak to them, even if they had abandoned usm or if even if they were there, they are our mums and dads. One cannot live life in a peaceful way without coming to terms with our own personal situation and relationship.
When a mum or dad dies if you have not made peace with them you MUST, because not doing so will haunt you for the rest of your life. I say this from personal experience. If it’s not done it will poison you and the rest of your relationships through your entire life. Some folks are fortunate and have had a wonderful childhood. That’s great! They were blessed and I am sure they realize that. But even if you were like me, with so much unhappiness with your mum and dad, or no contact at all, MAKE PEACE. So after each one died it was very rough.
I had a horrible relationship with my mum. She wanted me to be just like her, and I wasn’t. I was a free spirit and she didn’t know what to do with me, so whenever I frustrated her she beat me. She was very smart, beautiful, a good housewife, but kept herself on the back burner and lived through my dad. I must admit looking back that she was not well mentally.
Each one of us has to find our own way on making peace with our parents, especially if they have died.
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With my mum, I could not even go to her funeral, mainly because there was a terrible ice storm and I was in NYC and she was in New Hampshire. I was so scared of her; I was relieved I could not go, but I still didn’t have peace in my relationship with her. I didn’t knowingly know I was grieving my mum’s death until many years later when I had to surrender to the fact that I truly hated my mum and all she had done to me. I realized it was poisoning me and wasn’t helping me to go on with my life. So I decided to work with a Past Life Regression Therapist who took me on a journey to meet face to face with my mum. Now, I am not saying this is for everyone, but in that one hour session I totally worked things out with my mum and I realized that she and I had finally made peace with one another. This was my path, but each one of us has to find our own way on making peace with our parents, especially if they have died.
With my dad’s death I grieved for a whole year and then some. At his funeral I spoke about him and at his grave I wanted to jump right in. That’s how much pain I was feeling with my loss. Have you ever felt like that when you have lost somebody you adored? But I also began to see that as much as I loved him, he wasn’t there for my mum and me. He was too busy with his own life. He owned women’s shoe factories up in New Hampshire and my mum and I hardly ever saw him. And when he came home to our residence in Lynn, Mass., he could not understand why I didn’t want to be with him. I adored my dad, but he was never around and really didn’t take care of mum and me.
In that one therapy session, I realized my mum felt just as abandoned by dad as I did. For many years I blamed my mum for everything, but this new idea changed everything for me. Again, finding our peace is such a personal path. We each need to find out what works for each one of us.
I cannot begin to reiterate how important it is when your mum and dad die to make peace with them. It’s the biggest blessing you can give to yourself!
—Photo Richard Hurd/Flickr
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