I Needed a Little More Info on Sexuality when I was Growing Up!

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The music was loud. So loud that I could barely hear myself think. And boy was I drunk; very drunk. I was only 14; I shouldn’t really be drinking at this age but you weren’t ‘mental’ if you didn’t dabble in a bit of intoxication, and I didn’t want to be known as boring at school. Being boring was social suicide. I can remember laying back on the side-benches at the far-end of the hall watching the world spin round, and also enjoying the fact that my belly had been unknotted for the first time in months, or, at least since that last time I managed to drink enough to fall over. Life was good.

I remember when Kelly approached me and asked me for a dance. Kelly was a slim lass, with lovely blonde hair and at that age, to me, she was semi-attractive. I remember really wanting to dance with her, but my experiences with girls up until that point hadn’t been great. There had been Nicola who I pushed and shoved enough times that I doubt she cared wither I lived or died anymore, then there had been Wendy, and my friend had gotten there first. If I’m honest with myself I doubt I’d have even asked her because she was suuuper popular, and not to mention this whole accepting Kelly thing would set off a gossip inferno train with no destination.

Poor Kelly. I wish I had better social skills back then because I would have known how to let her down a bit better than the way I did, which was something along the lines of, “Fuck off you ugly nasty bitch.” It sounds harsh, I know, but as kids we (or certainly I) hadn’t learned to process my emotions fully yet and I was still in the very early stages of getting to grips with this whole social etiquette.

I wasn’t good with girls as a teenager, which in my eyes now it was probably a very good thing. It’s tough though, being a young lad with a permanent erection and having nowhere to put it. I’ve tried all sorts in my teenage years, including abstaining from release but that’s literally the worst thing any young boy can do; it starts off with women appearing 10x more attractive, then, the slightest view of female bare skin can have you running off to the toilet to have your wicked way with Palm and her 4 sisters, and if you keep resisting from there, then come the weird thoughts; I wouldn’t recommend it at all, friends.

I’ve always wanted to settle down though with a special someone at School; naive enough that I would meet miss awesome at School but too frightened to put up with the social crap that accompanies the unison. I lived with a housemate that dated a young lady in her last year of School and the rumours that were flying around about her were crazy; I always expected that I would have attracted the same fate did I ever date someone at School, but alas, it wasn’t to be. I’ve heard women say to me that they thought at School all men wanted was sex, but I think that’s more of a media thing than in real life. All of my friends had that special someone after leaving school that they had initially planned to settle down with. Two of them I know are both still in their relationships and have kids now

I’m not too sure what it was like for you but I was never taught to explore myself as a kid. My values were somewhat skewed off in two directions. I had my Dad that was shagging every woman he could find, and there was my Mum that was teaching me to be faithful and a one woman guy. Couple all of that with the Catholic school I went to that was telling me that anything sexual was wrong and bad; I was going to have a really bad time. I wish kids in general were taught to explore themselves a bit more, especially when they come of age. I wish I was shown that what I was going through was natural. I wish I had forward-thinking parents.

I’ve only recently learned about all the other derivations of sexuality you can get, and I’ll admit, there’s lots. I wish I was taught that exploring my way through young adulthood was natural, and that just because I’ve done things that aren’t straight down the heterosexual line then I’m in the same boat as a lot of other men. Because of this I grew up with a lot of guilt and shame too.

But I did explore my way through young adulthood when it came to sexuality, and I’ll admit, it hasn’t been 100% heterosexual what I’ve done. But that doesn’t make me strange, that doesn’t make me weird, it just makes me more comfortable with my sexuality than people that would seek to condemn others for not being what they are. People are people at the end of the day. It’s why I don’t criticize people — who the hell would I be to judge?

So if you’re reading this and you’re young, and you feel a bit guilty for doing a bit of consensual stuff with how many and whomever. Don’t be. I’ve done it, my friends have done it, most of your friends have done it, even your Mum and Dad have been up to it when they were younger. The only difference is, those that say it’s wrong, and that you should be heterosexual all the way, haven’t quite came to terms with what they have been up to in the past!!

Explore yourself, enjoy yourself, love yourself.

Live on brothers and sisters!!
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