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In the original article I wrote for The Good Men Project called “Real Men Do Cry,” I was so proud of the way I had raised my sons to be open, genuine, and forthright, but what I didn’t realize I left out along with the openness was boundaries—I didn’t have them when I was younger and I was unable to pass on that wisdom to my sons. And because their dad was never around and also had a real problem with boundaries, he was of no benefit, either.
After writing “Real Men Do Cry,” I decided to speak to my sons and find out whether their experience aligned with my philosophy with which I raised them. What they shared with me was shocking and has humbled me. It also made me realize or ask the question, “why didn’t I speak to my sons about their experience with how I raised them BEFORE I wrote the article?”
It didn’t work for them.
Truth is, the way I raised them to be open didn’t work for them. One son was totally overwhelmed by all that came toward him. Perhaps because I spoke more about openness in “Real Men Do Cry”, but I believe it goes hand in hand. Maybe you disagree but I feel if a man doesn’t mind showing his emotions, he’s okay to be open.
Another son was actually angry at me, which he shared with me many years ago, citing that I raised him to be “too open.” I felt it wasn’t the openness so much as lack of boundaries. How do you stay open while knowing when to hold back and when to speak up. But I still didn’t realize the importance of teaching my sons boundaries.
With my sons, hopefully they have learned about boundaries and some of the openness I raised them with is allowed to come through with people they feel safe with.
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Ever since my conversation with each one of my sons years ago, it’s been in the back of my brain, and I finally realized that the culture has great power over all of us. If we don’t have the proper upbringing to be open, it might not ‘work.’ What my sons and I were lacking growing up was boundaries. I didn’t realize this for many years, so what I thought I was doing for my sons was giving them a gift of openness, which I was, but it needed to be coupled with lessons in boundaries.
I found out about boundaries the hard way, getting into a lot of trouble with people I was not supposed to be open with because they used it to hurt me. With my sons, hopefully they have learned about boundaries and some of the openness I raised them with is allowed to come through with people they feel safe with.
I know, at times, if speaking or being with either one of my sons, the openness does come through and I am grateful for it. I am also grateful that they felt safe enough to tell me the truth that the openness they were raised with didn’t work for them.
It took a bit for it sink in to me about what I gifted my sons with and what more they needed (boundaries). When I wrote the original article I was all fire and brimstone that the culture was not going to tell me how to raise my sons, which is great. What has humbled me is of the realization that the gift of openness to myself and others must be accompanied with boundaries, otherwise if it’s not, you give yourself away to anyone, and are never appreciated by the right people.
At first when the realization hit me that “yes, I raised my sons to be open, and no, I didn’t give them the gift of boundaries”, I felt sad but I realize that myself as a parent did the best I could at the time. And because I’ve been given the gift of maturity I soon realized what my boys needed along with the openness.
They are what I call beautiful men, meaning goodness on the inside and out. The biggest gift out of all of this is that my sons felt safe enough to tell me the truth and knew that I would listen and take it in.
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Read the original article:
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