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I think that often times, we give support, rather than offer support. And it is important to distinguish the differences between these two – offering vs giving.
In giving support, we are making assumptions around what would be supportive. We might give to our loved one in a way that they do not want.
Whereas offering support by checking in, asking what would be supportive, empowers a love one with choice.
Attunement includes our desire to give support, to be connected, while also honoring another’s needs and sovereignty.
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Attunement is deep listening, taking in, being with. It requires a great deal of softening and receptivity. It asks us to hold another’s needs and experience, as well as our own.
When a loved one is struggling, it can be challenging to support them through attunement – to simply listen or witness, to receive their perspective, the relationship they currently have to their experience – without wanting to fix or solve.
There are many times where I notice the impulse to make a loved one feel better. I want to take away their pain or anxiety with helpful advice, or something like a, “I’ve been there” story of my own so they don’t feel alone in their experience.
But that kind of giving is what I want because I feel uncomfortable when someone I care about is hurting. It is more about easing my anxiety.
From my experience, the additional input of “help” from a problem-solving place, is typically something that is not wanted by the other. By expressing from a desire to fix, it has more potential to validate and fuel another’s anxiety than regulating the nervous system.
Whereas attunement and co-regulation result in different movements because the actions a loved one decides to take are coming from a place of safety vs that of protection or fear.
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I have found this useful to name – when the desire to “help” begins to surface, my system is either becoming over-saturated or deregulated.
This is part of the listening process. It is not just about holding the other, but also, recognizing when I am reaching the edge of my capacity to receive. Attunement includes tracking how my nervous system feels, and noticing when escalation is happening within.
I believe that an activated nervous system is where the urgency to non-consensually give support comes from. And it is during these moments that other forms of co-regulation could be beneficial for both me and a loved one.
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To be able to offer the support of attunement, I need to make sure I am regulated. And what helps me with that is pacing and pauses – titration.
Titration is slowing down one’s process to allow the body to integrate reactions and responses. It is a useful way to stay regulated and resourced. Otherwise, we re-traumatize with too much too fast.
Another form of support is physical contact. Holding, hugging, a hand resting on another…touch can be the most effective form of co-regulation.
There is also offering eye contact or reflecting back what your loved one has shared. Witnessing, empathy, and understanding.
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Developmentally, co-regulation precedes self-regulation. Meaning, we more easily thrive in relation to others. We more effortlessly regulate with loved ones, with those we are emotionally bonded to.
We have a biological need for connection, one that is not typically recognized in our culture, a society that prioritizes self-regulation and individuality.
However, emotional closeness is a need, one that is incredibly important.
I believe that it is through attunement and co-regulation that we can learn, grow, build, and create in a potent way together.
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Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
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