Technically, my work day ended at 4:00. I’d finished with my last client of the day hours ago and all of my work tasks were done. I was just catching up on Netflix as the clock moved closer to 6. I could have gone home hours ago except my husband was home and I was pissed at him.
We hadn’t been getting along and every attempt at working things out was a series of fits and starts with more fits than starts. Going home had very little appeal. It was just easier to stay later at work. Again.
Sound familiar?
Sometimes, we do it consciously. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re doing it but either way, we are running away from home.
We’re hiding from and avoiding conflict, tension, disappointment, boredom or unhappiness. Whatever it is we’re trying to dodge lives there and at work, we’re safer.
Things are organized, more predictable, and far less emotional.
And that’s when the numbing begins.
We start to tune out. We don’t pay attention to ourselves, our feelings, or our relationships. We give our relationships less and less attention and use work as a convenient excuse or alibi. Suddenly, what starts out as a convenient way to avoid an irritant becomes an ingrained way of managing difficult personal situations.
Luckily, I didn’t let it go too far or for too long. I did go home and my husband and I worked it out but every moment I was hiding in my office watching online TV was bringing me further away from him, our marriage, and the parts of my life that really mattered.
Are you running away from yourself or someone else?
When did you start hiding and avoiding home? Before you can get honest with anyone else, you have to get honest with yourself.
Take some time to think back on where it all began. If this is just another episode that is part of a larger pattern, get clear on that, too.
What’s the issue from where you stand? Are you just struggling with yourself and how you are feeling about something? Are you feeling disconnected or in conflict with someone you have a close relationship with?
How are you contributing to the problem? Any conversation, change, or pivot that needs to happen next will happen easier, if you can first own how your behavior is playing a role in whatever is going wrong. What are you doing, saying, not doing, or not saying that is contributing to whatever has gotten off course?
How are you feeling these days? I know that question is annoying. Not wanting to answer it is likely why you’ve been hiding and avoiding life. However, you’re still just in a conversation with yourself here and before you can be ready to tune back into someone else, you have to be willing to tune into yourself.
- Are you angry? Disappointed? Resentful? Frustrated? Scared? Lonely?
- How’s your energy these days? Do you feel like you have slowed down?
- How hopeful do you feel about your ability to turn things around?
- If someone else is involved in this and we’re talking about a relationship struggle, how in tune to it do you think your partner is? How aware are they that you are managing a problem?
What have you already tried?
Most people don’t go straight to skipping a problem. They usually try to talk about it or deal with it first.
- What have you already tried? What was the response? Where are you getting stuck in your efforts or in your communication?
- Why do you think you’re still hitting a roadblock? What’s getting in the way?
- If others are involved in this conflict or tension, what is the feedback you’re receiving? What are you hearing? What’s your response to it all?
Are you running on empty?
If your gas tank is empty and you are quarter past done, you are going to be really limited in your ability to move, change, or pivot until you fill up your tank and it’s unlikely that you will find your “gas station” in the parking lot of your office.
Take care of yourself. Numbing out is a short term fix, not a long term solution. Take some time to really catch your breath. Catch up on your sleep. Spend some time doing the things that light you up and with people that give you energy.
Do you really want to fix things?
Some people hide at work when they are just avoiding the ending, change, or pivot all together. They aren’t looking to fix things, go back, try again, or reconnect. They know they are done and they are just avoiding telling themselves, or someone else, that truth.
You can’t rebuild until you first walk away. Whatever proverbial walk we are talking about, be it a personal change, professional change, or change in a relationship, you have to fully walk away before you have the freedom to begin again. Otherwise, you’re standing still, sitting on go, and watching your life go on with you taking an active role in it.
It’s time to use that turn signal and pivot. Make the change, have the hard conversation, get the answers to tough questions. Choose to move.
If your struggle is a professional one, this article might help.
If you’re struggling personally with a lack of motivation, passion, or direction, the above exercise hopefully gave you some direction and ideas on where to find your fulfillment outside of your office.
A sample script for a hard conversation:
If you are having a tough time in a personal relationship, use the above exercise to put it all together to tell the person what you want them to think. Find a neutral time and start to open up:
Hey, I have to be honest with you about something. I have a confession of sorts, if you will. You’ve probably noticed that I have been spending more and more time at the office and the truth is, I haven’t actually had to be working that long. To be honest, it’s just been easier than dealing with this tension between us.
I’ve been avoiding us and you and I feel bad about that. I’m running away from home and away from the problem, rather than towards you and the solution. I know that isn’t fair and isn’t the answer. I just didn’t know what else to do.
I’ve been feeling_________ because____________.
Then, I got frustrated because I tried ____________ and it didn’t work so I just gave up. I know I’ve only made things harder by________. I am sorry about that, too.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeI really think we need a do-over here. Can we talk? Try again? I really want to listen to you and hear what’s going on for you. I hope, too, that you can listen to me cuz clearly, not talking, is not working.
Running away never really solves anything. I know you know this. Instead, start talking and walk closer toward the life you want and the fulfillment you are seeking.
Originally published: Choose to Have it All.com
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We had a serious case of disconnect. I stayed over hours at my job, and when we spent time together her head and mind was mostly still lingering back in her office.
One evening I stepped up and said that this wasn’t working. We don’t talk about “us” anymore. I don’t want it that way and I didn’t think she wanted that either. So how do WE work it out? But she just stated that everything was just fine, just as it was supposed to be, and she didn’t see any problems with that.
Kal, What a crap response to hear when you put yourself out there like that. What was your response to her? Did you just go back to normal? If this isn’t the kind of relationship you want, you might need to keep making noise about it. If I said that to my husband and he reacted that way, I’d be really hurt and if he wasn’t interested in changing, I know I would start to distance and exit as a result of unmet needs. That would be the beginning of a larger crisis to come. I hope this isn’t true… Read more »
Excellent article. Thank you.
I have been guilty of doing this at work too. Sometimes I want more me-time which is not fair on my partner.
Not ideal, but sometimes I take my work home and do it later at night when everyone is asleep. At least I am home earlier.
JP, I think wanting more me time is a little different. If you are not avoiding a conflict or unhappiness at home but you just legitimately need more time alone to unwind and recharge, I think that’s the conversation you have. Introverts get their energy by being alone and it’s a legitimate need in a relationship. Once you get clear on how much time you need alone to feel like you again, you can talk about that with your partner…”I need at least an hour a day to just be on my own. How can we fit that in so… Read more »
Thank you Heather for your insightful comments. You are right in having open communication and fitting in me-time in a way that is not a burden on my partner. I think there was some selfishness involved with the “me-time” as the evening is often the hardest with little children. Now I try and get my me-time later at night when the kids are asleep. And I catch up on the work that I have brought home. It has helped that we both work part-time so we know what it is like for the other person who is with the kids… Read more »