STEP 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
KEYWORD: Connectedness
In this step, the newcomer sits down with someone (often his sponsor) and shares everything he’s written for Step 4.
With the sponsor’s help, the alkie begins to see the truth of his past behavioral and belief-system patterns. In this way, he learns about how his crippling self-centeredness caused such upheaval around him, and so emotionally unhinged him that it was natural that he should blot it all out with drink.
This challenges all of the alkie’s defenses. It’s an ego-shattering proposition. Utter frankness is the order of the day; lies are uncovered. In this step, many alkies tell another human being things they’ve never told anyone. Take-to-the-grave secrets are exposed.
If the process is thorough, the result is a sense of freedom never before experienced. I felt a hundred pounds lighter after Step 5. The walls I’d always felt closing in on me dissolved. I had nothing to worry about. As a result, for the first time in my adult life I felt like I belonged—not only to AA, but to the human race.
That painful sense of congenital apartness melted away. I was suddenly just an average guy who’d done some gnarly things. I stopped being special—I was neither better nor worse than others—and began to be part of things around me. But, of course, there was more work to be done, which took me to …
STEPS 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character,
AND 7: Humbly ask Him to remove our shortcomings.
KEYWORD: Willingness
Let’s first dispense with linguistic confusion. In the early 1900s, Bill Wilson, who subsequently wrote the first draft of the steps, learned in English class not to use the same word in consecutive sentences. “Defects of character” and “shortcomings” are the same thing; Bill was just following grammatical niceties of the day.
There are two ideas—realities—contained in these steps. The first is that, no matter how hard he tries, the alcoholic cannot, under his own steam, rid himself of the impatience, intolerance, judgment, criticism, cruelty, and other faults that bedevil his better nature and foil his attempts to behave well. In concert with a higher power, however, he can work toward shifting his thinking and perceptions—and the conduct they generate—in a positive direction.
Rather than approaching the world from the fear-based negative mental state endemic to the alcoholic—Everything is fucked; what’s the point? Pass me a drink—he begins to act from what he’s learned are his assets: kindness, compassion, and love.
The second notion, contained in Step 7, is humility. In AA, folks call it being “right-sized.” With humility, we ask that Greater Power, whatever it happens to be to us, to lift the defects that block us from doing right and steer us towards a natural kind of humility—one that helps us feel connected to our fellows.
The first six steps required an honest inward-gazing appraisal, to learn the truth about who we were as active drunks. Again, this isn’t the mind-numbing self-absorption we were used to, but a clear-eyed self-examination. In Step 7, we begin to turn our non-demanding attention outward. This is the beginning of the practice of true sobriety: to see fellow humans not as agents of our own happiness, but as people in their own right—people we can serve and love to the best of our ability.
And it sure helps to have a higher power’s help, because here comes …
STEPS 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all;
and 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
KEYWORD: Courage
In these two steps we write down all the people we believe we’ve hurt, practically and/or physically (stolen from them, punched them, etc.), or, as is more often the case, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (talked shit about them, verbally abused them, etc.).
Becoming ready to set things right, as suggested in Step 8, is never a wholly completed process. Who wants to go out and sit down with someone they’ve fucked over and express regret and make restitution? (There’s an alternate Step 8 that some folks in recovery like to joke about. Make a list of all persons we’ve harmed, and ask God to remove them.)
Step 9 took about a year to complete, and the process proved a magical one. Expressing honest regret freed me, yes; but, more importantly, it seemed to free most of those whom I approached. If we’ve harmed someone, that person (depending on his personality) bears the poisonous psychological burden of thinking ill of us.
Making amends may allow them to let that go. Not that everyone receives an alkie’s amends with aplomb, understandably; we’ve hurt a lot of people deeply, so it’s natural that some will be skeptical of our seeming newfound humility.
Still, when a normally (and, hopefully, formerly) self-seeking alcoholic tries to make right the chaos he’s caused, lovely things occur. I was estranged from my dad for eight years, and when I reached my Step 8, my sponsor suggested that Dad top the list. I resisted, but I not only wrote down his name but finally reached out to him. We had a moving rapprochement, and began to spend time together again. Three months later, he died of a sudden heart attack. Had I not persevered with the steps, I might not have had those months with Dad before he died.
In the AA book, there’s a promise of a “new freedom and a new happiness” once we’ve completed even just half of our Ninth Step amends. This was certainly true for me, and when I finished the amends altogether I felt free in a way I couldn’t have imagined possible. I didn’t have to duck anyone, fear anyone, think ill of anyone, or not answer the phone when a particular person called. I was clean. Everything was in its place. Broken relationships were repaired, and the happiness that followed was, indeed, new.
So there only remain the final three Steps, those that, if practiced diligently and persistently, foment spiritual growth …
STEPS 10: Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong promptly admitted it;
11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out;
and 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
KEYWORDS: Reflection, Spiritual Seeking, Love and Service
These final steps are of a piece. In Step 4, we took a lifetime inventory of defects. Now that all of that has been cleared out, and amends have been made for harms done, we can do the same thing day by day in Step 10. We simply check ourselves daily: are we on the beam and doing the right thing, or are we slipping into disgruntlement and self-centered fear? If we’ve crossed a line, we not only see it immediately, but also have the opportunity to make it right within a day or so, rather than waiting 20 years.
In Step 11, the sober alkie practices some form of spiritual growth. As there are no rules or regulations in AA, this step can take as many forms as there are people practicing it. For me, it means waking up and reading a bit of spiritual literature and then sitting quietly for a few minutes. I ask, in prayer, to be shown throughout the day what I need to do to serve others (rather than to try to grab for myself). I also ask to be kept sober. What I like about prayer is that it works whether God exists or not. If nothing else, I’m appealing to my unconscious mind for the right direction; I just want to do the decent thing throughout the day, if possible.
Step 12 suggests that we’ve had a spiritual awakening after taking the previous 11 steps. This can mean something as simple as perceiving our fellows in a new way. A sense of usefulness has replaced that of uselessness; baseline happiness has supplanted despair; serenity has trumped chaos. Our charge in this step is to sponsor other alcoholics—guide them with the same care, love, and attention that we’ve been guided—and to practice the principles of the steps in our lives.
What principles? Why, surrender (of ego-driven action), open-mindedness, release, honesty, connectedness, willingness, courage, reflection, spiritual seeking, and love and service. These last two are especially key: they are the antithesis of how we felt and behaved as active drunks, and are therefore where the sober alkie begins to find his way to a new and better life.
♦◊♦
What a load of hog wash, AA etc is a cult, full stop. How this religious cult took over how people quit alcohol/drugs/sex/food/you name it, is beyond me. WAKE UP world, there are other (well proven alternative’s) options. Makes me sick that an option with a very low success rate is pushed as the main and most successful one. Alcoholism is a disease?? God or spirituality is the answer?? Crazy 🤣
After a Men’s Business Meeting where we were talking about something that is coming up at a General Service Conference in a couple weeks, about a way to help the Person that has a Problem Trying to understand what the Big Book & These Steps are saying ; it is NOT Being said anyone is going to Change the first 164 Pages of the Big Book, but trying to find a way to write an Addition To The Big Book to help those who have problems with illiteracy, understanding what Bill, Bob, & Those Who Were Influential In The Beginning… Read more »
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Thanks for such a great article, it is AA at a glimpse. After 7 years sometimes I forget what staying sober is all about, this article reminds me there is still a lot of work to do.
Oh! and Steve you would have to be there and get your own conclusions, who knows?
Steve, Im currently going through the same thing with my program. I believe in the power of the group and going to meetings and how that is helping me so much. But to sit and convince myself of a god is hard. I’ve been athiest my whole life. But people have led me to read the ‘we agnostics’ chapter in the big book. I’m sure you read it, but maybe read it again with the thought that we are not told to believe in god, we are to believe that there is something out there more imoirtant than you and… Read more »
AA is great in a lot of ways. It helped my dad get sober and gave him a sense of community and lots of new friends. However, the twelve steps, I think, are just unworkable if you’re an atheist like myself. The common suggestion to consider AA itself as a higher power strikes me as silly. By your own admission, AA is just a bunch of alcoholics trying to stay sober. At step 7, is an atheist to ask unto the assembled drunks, “I humbly ask you to remove my shortcomings”? How are they supposed to do that? They’re just… Read more »
Steve,
I just wrote you a long reply based on my 16 years experience in AA and accidently hit some button and erased the whole thing.
Anyway, there is a man here who has been sober in AA a long time and he is as atheistic as they come. I’ll see if I can’t get your questions in front of him (name is Grant) and see if he can give you some insight. He’s a no-nonsense guy with a great sense of humor and a great deal of wisdom. We all love him and maybe he can help.
Beautifully done! Your current focus on addiction is so well chosen — and this article is a gem. Thank you!
Well written. Thanks for sharing.
Magnificent!
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KISS – Keep It Simple Surrender
Well done. Thank you for sharing. While I also firmly firmly practice the anonymity thing as well, I am glad to see AA (and addiction in general), getting some good press. I think it’s great to let people know there’s help if they want it (cuz i believe *everyone* would benefit from a little practice of the 12 Steps meself- it’s good therapy!), and that’s it’s not a scary cult where you have to believe in the Judeo-Christian image of God (unless that works for you). 🙂 Thank you.