Become the most obnoxious person on Facebook.
Facebook is kind of like a disgraced prom queen these days. I’m not saying the popularity of Facebook has diminished. In fact, there are thousands of people who join up every day. I’m saying it just isn’t as magnificent as we all used to think it was.
Does this lackluster status mean I don’t still check facebook? Nope. In fact, I kind of feel facebook is a train wreck—totally gruesome, but I just can’t pry my eyes off it. However, this guilty pleasure isn’t always so pleasurable. In fact, I have some “friends” on Facebook who I would like to repeatedly “poke”—with a sharp object.
These uber annoying people have led me to create an easy-to-use manual for anyone hoping to find themselves in the same “you are the most obnoxious person I have ever met” category.
Here you have it. Fifteen simple steps to make everyone on Facebook talk smack behind your back and mock you mercilessly—that is, if they haven’t already unfriended you.
Post and/or Share a Zillion Worthless Photos
Proceed down the list, making sure you include as many of the following types of pictures:
1. Cheesy, Inspirational Images That Inspire No One
Everyone deals with a bad day differently. If the case of beer didn’t do the trick, obviously your uplifting words of wisdom will definitely save the day.
2. Images that Threaten to Breakup a Family
The only way—and I mean only way—a family member will know you care about them is if you tell them on Facebook. And if you don’t inform them via social media, you could very well ruin the family dynamics.
3. Photos of Food You Just Made or Ate
Drive all your friends wild with pictures of food they can not eat. Seriously, this is a great idea. This creative sharing is especially enjoyed by those who are on a diet. Or who live in a third world country.
4. Images that Test My Manhood
Share educational, controversial or monumental images and then add a stipulation—you aren’t cool/brave/worthy of my time if you don’t share this too. Obviously, I’m a totally loser if I don’t agree with your every opinion.
5. Contests Where There Really Will Be a Winner
You absolutely have a chance to win that awesome prize. No one is taking advantage of you or duping you. And we all really appreciate the opportunity to be a winner just like you.
6. Self Portraits
Selfies can be enhanced three ways. First, take a photo of yourself in the mirror. Seeing the back of your phone reflected in the mirror, accompanied by the flash of the camera, really adds a special something to the portrait. Second, be provocative and a bit revealing. This is especially appropriate for your PG fans. Lastly, to really make your friends appreciate you, upload these shots and/or change your profile picture as often as possible. Seriously. Hijack people’s newsfeeds with your amazing self. Everyone will be glad you did.
Use your Status to Appeal to the Masses
There are a variety of ways you can use your facebook status to communicate with people. When you need inspiration, turn to one of these trusted methods of communication.
7. Be a TMI Parent
Since you love your little tot, why not share the love with everyone else? I’m sure they enjoy your child’s milestones as much as you do. And, sharing 45 different achievements in one day is especially magical.
8. Share Touchy, Feely Emotions That Make Readers Gag
Facebook readers really love it when couples have full-blown conversations via facebook status. This strategy is even more effective if the conversation is mushy and we all know you are sitting beside each other on the sofa. Post private or sensitive thoughts in a public forum—it is totally appropriate.
9. Be Boring, Mundane, or Totally Inappropriate
We want to know everything you do. Don’t hold anything back. If readers don’t respond to this…
10. Be Passive Aggressive
The Urban Dictionary has concocted a very helpful term: vaguebooking. It is defined as an internationally vague Facebook status update that prompts friends to ask what’s going on, or is possibly a cry for help. Include as many of these as possible.
11. Be Unoriginal
If all else fails, hijack someone else’s status. Do this over and over. You probably know people far superior to the rest of your friends. If your friends haven’t caught on to the need to friend that person, you—luckily—are there to share those witty words with people who might have otherwise missed them.
Use Other Facebook Features in Ways They Weren’t Intended
Sadly, if you have made it to this point it means all your other efforts have failed. Luckily, you have a few more chances.
12. Conduct Unsolicited Check-Ins
Maybe your friend just didn’t think to do her own check in. She is so fortunate to have you help tell her boss she was at the bar at 3am the night before a big presentation.
13. Use your Personal Account for Marketing Purposes
Facebook isn’t for connecting with loved ones and communicating in an open forum. It is for selling products at every available opportunity.
14. Engage in Phantom Tagging
That is a super buff stripper. Naturally, the 47 women who weren’t there to see it will appreciate it when you tag them in the photo. Then, that lovely image can appear on their timeline too. How thoughtful!
15. Be Joined at the Hip
Facebook is just another wonderful opportunity to tell the world how in love you are with your spouse. There is absolutely no need for individuality when it comes to your relationship.
Well, there you have it; 15 simple steps to alienate all your Facebook friends. I’m sure you have never used any of these strategies before. Fortunately, you can implement them with much haste. Your audience awaits.
Read more Lists on The Good Life.
Feature image credit: owenwbrown/Flickr; other images courtesy of the author
17) Posting a link to this article on FB. 😉 I’m feeling the urge!
So true! Love vaguebooking! To point 14 add all those trendy, impersonal seasonal greeting cards that rarely come close to anything artistic and creative but in which you get tagged for no reason else than spamming your wall… “Hide” button makes facebook more worth reading..
So how about a list of 15 things you find acceptable to do on Facebook.
This is brilliant, I love it! I’ve definitely been guilty of number one . I thought Facebook was stupid when it first came out. Sadly now I’m totally hooked. I’ll just have to take comfort in the fact that I’m only guilty of number one. I know someone who chronically commits number ten, it’s so irritating! Some people seem to forget that people actually know them in real life, and it’s nothing like their facebook one!
Iv seen Fb for what it is and its noth wort commenting much on. I experienced some of the sickest people there. Iv traveled and worked through many bad situations and people. On FB their sickness rules as they control or infect from a keyboard.
Response to no.3:
At India (supposedly third world country), there are no economic problems. No serious unemployment problems. Less fiscal deficit. Better standard of living. No austerity measures. 😀
Keep rocking!
This is awesome. I have had to block so many annoying friends from my FB feed because of combinations of all the above, I have practically no one left on my newsfeed. Which I know kind of defeats the whole purpose of FB.
One thing you forgot are the people who share urban legends, hoaxes, health scares, etc., that could be debunked in 3 seconds by checking Snopes.com. I’ve made myself very unpopular by posting links to Snopes whenever I see one of these messages.
You forgot to carry the decimal and find the lowest common denominator.
16. Respond to vaguebooking with ridiculousness:
Sorry, but I told you already that I’m not a qualified thoracic surgeon. There’s nothing I can do.
O:-)
love it.
So basically what you’re saying is don’t use Facebook? 😉
LOL… That wouldn’t have made for a very good article now would it?
Yeah, what the hell else is there?!
I disagree about the food photos. Some of us are people who would like to start a food blog and/or are good cooks and FB is a format for testing out how well pics and recipes are received. Maybe we don’t have the time right now to start a blog so we use FB as an outlet. Also, seriously, our FB pages are just that, OUR pages. If people don’t like what we post or get annoyed or HATE us, then they have freedom to LEAVE or delete offensive people. Right? RIGHT. I mean if people are annoying you that… Read more »
I think you might be taking this a little too seriously. I appreciate your embrace of your own freedom to love kitten pictures and chain letters. You have to fight for your right to be cheeeeeeeezy!
15? Your math sucks.
Uhg. I have a few passive aggressive types on my FB feed. They drive me nuts, and now I have decided to comment about them passively aggressively here in the comments section.
How about you just delete them if they bother you so very much……….?
I think Michele might have resembled a few of these… I did not mean to offend. Lets just pretend the last line of this article is “LOL..JK ;)”