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Three things have dominated my attention since I was a young man.
Sex. I wanted to control when, where and with whom I had sex. Growing up, I remember certain bad boys who could apparently have sex whenever they pleased. Since I was not one of them, my mind would constantly scrutinize every aspect of my personality trying to determine where I fell short. The scrutiny wreaked havoc on my confidence and tore away at my masculinity. Over time, I grew withdrawn and introspective. In college, I eventually stopped approaching women altogether.
Money. I was bitten by the travel bug during a year of study abroad. I wanted to see the world, but was stuck living paycheck-to-paycheck. I was constantly searching for a new career or attempting to invent a new product to get rich. My shelves were filled with half-read books on leadership, success and entrepreneurship, but I was still broke.
Confidence. I wanted to be comfortable in my skin regardless of where I was or who I was with. I often held back my own personality for fear of rejection. I concluded I must be an introvert damned to a life of social awkwardness.
What I really wanted was peace.
What I eventually realized, was none of this was true. What I really wanted was peace. When I was focused on sex, money or confidence I experienced wanting without satiation. I was operating from a position of lack where someone else had what I needed in order to be complete. In that way, they controlled me.
Feeling out of control was especially challenging in college. I imagined people thought I was weird because I was quiet. When I did speak, my conversations felt convoluted. It was painful. The most difficult part was not knowing how to fix it.
Today, I am not fixed and I am not enlightened. What I have are thetools to fix my problems. Those tools take time and energy to implement, but I have them nonetheless. I obtained these tools by watching those who have come before me. Today, I would like to introduce you to The Trifecta, the three greatest mentors in my life.
I could never return to not knowing.
I was introduced to Mentor #1 just after graduation in May of 2000. I caught a train up to New York to visit my sister who took me to a Byron Katie seminar. I remember a man in his early twenties standing up, in tears, confessing he had followed Katie in an obsessive unhealthy way. Her response floored me as it was completely unexpected. She said, “Of course you followed me, I’m your knight in shining armor.” Her voice contained nothing but empathy. She was the first person I’d ever met where her thoughts, actions and words were completely congruent. I jumped in headfirst purchasing books, listening to tapes and watching videos. In Los Angeles, I sat in front of a live audience and didThe Work with Byron Katie. After experiencing The Work, A light had turned on in my brain and I could never return to not knowing. Once I understood my thoughts, they lost their emotional stranglehold over me. I now had a tool to help end my mental suffering.
Where was this amazing book when I was in high school?
In 2004, I inadvertently found Mentor #2. I came across a website that guaranteed results with women. The site worked its magic on me. I looked down to see my fingers impetuously typing in my credit card number and downloading Attraction Isn’t a Choice. Where was this amazing book when I was in high school? I could only imagine what college would’ve been like. Unfortunately, I was too busy trying to be what I thought women wanted. My relief came when David DeAngelo described, in detail, how a cocky-funny attitude could ramp-up sexual tension between men and women. I remember a comment that stuck with me over the years. He said, “Treat a woman like she’s your bratty little sister.” That frame of reference made perfect sense to me. The basic underlying tenant was teasing with no wussy behavior. As I began to implement David’s ideas, I found little bits and pieces of proof that it was working. I jumped into the pickup artist community studying other greats such as David X and Neil Strauss. I began to understand the rules of attraction that had previously escaped me.
It was exactly what I needed to hear.
When I met Mentor #3, all my past Work, introspection and life lessons began to intersect. For years, I had been operating from a fear-based consumer mindset. I was focused on what I could get if I wrote the right book, sold the right product or built the right business. I was frustrated because my success wasn’t coming. In early 2017, I stumbled across a video by transformational speaker, Kyle Cease. It was exactly what I needed to hear in that moment. I didn’t need to meditate or go to a seminar. I had an instant jump in consciousness. I just heard Kyle say the right thing at exactly the right time. All the work I was pouring into preparing for a better life came to a screeching halt. Finally, I could do what I love, with confidence, knowing it would all work out. I was done trying to monetize what I loved doing. I was done trying to manipulate the future.
You might be asking yourself, how do I find people to mentor me? I don’t live in Los Angeles or New York. I don’t have a ton of money to fly to seminars.
Byron Katie, David DeAngelo and Kyle Cease have no idea who I am. I pursued their materials online and in bookstores. When I could afford to, I attended their seminars. You’ll know when you find a good mentor, their words will make you feel lighter. The wrong mentor will cause you mental or physical anxiety. Their words, their thoughts, and actions will not be in alignment.
How have I grown since I’ve started applying these tools?
That is a difficult question to answer. As I’ve grown, I’ve lost my point of reference. That’s the interesting part of seeking self-awareness; when you become more aware, the goal posts move. I hardly remember what it used to feel like to be me. I know what if feels like to be me today and I noticed that my work isn’t done.
A big “thank you” to the Trifecta; Byron Katie, David DeAngelo and Kyle Cease. Thank God for the unhappiness that filled your hearts and drove you to want more. Thank you for sharing your gifts.
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