We Are Losing Far Too Many Men

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The son of a long-time friend and fellow men’s group member died last week of an opioid overdose. Another brother committed suicide just two weeks ago. My brother’s best friend shot himself in February. Another succumbed to alcoholism recently. I am truly tired of these tragic events happening to men I care about and even to men I do not know personally. I weary of holding vigil and sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ of support for the families of these lost brothers. I am sad and angry that so little is being done to support men learning how to be resilient. I want to change in the way men are socialized and supported!

First, some sad and sobering statistics about the plight of men today:

There were 346 mass shootings in 2017, resulting in 440 dead and 1783 injured. 25% of these shootings occurred in schools! All but one perpetrated by men. (Source: gunviolencearchives.com)
Men commit suicide about 3.5 times more often than women.
Men are homicide victims 4 times as often as women.
There are 35,000 male suicides a year in the US…and rising.
In addition, divorced men are 10 times more likely to suicide than divorced women. (Source: American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, AFSP.org)

In addition, men comprise:

70% of substance abuse treatment admissions. (Source APA)

76% of homicides. (Source: DOJ)

93% of prisoners in the US. (Source: DOJ)

99.3% of prison executions. (Source: Death Penalty Information Ctr.- DPIC)

99.9% of combat deaths in US history. (Source: DOD)

Isn’t it clear that men are in crisis? Why are these statistics not being talked about? Why aren’t services to assist men a high priority?

We are losing far too many good men and fine boys. This carnage must stop! And that is why I co-wrote my latest book (with my friend, Leonard Szymczak) with the working title Wake Up, Grow Up, and Show Up: Calling Men into the 21^st Century. In it, we share our CLASSICS Model, which offers eight powerful dimensions we know work to help men learn resilience, find their purpose and passion for life, connect with others in meaningful ways, and find an authentic spiritual path that works for them. This model was developed from Leonard and my 35 years of working directly with men all over the planet.

The acronym CLASSICS identifies eight dimensions that promote healthy masculinity:

C = Connection

L = Love

A = Authenticity

S = Spirituality

S = Sexuality

I = Intention

C = Community

S = Sovereignty

These principles lay the foundation for men to rewire their masculine selves, shifting from traditional masculine ideology to the new, healthier CLASSICS roadmap. Listed below are some behaviors and characteristics we believe will support men to grow and prosper through the CLASSICS Model.

Connection: Valuing Emotions and Relationships

The old model of manhood espoused toughness, rugged individualism, disconnection from feelings and bodies, and aggression to get ahead in the world. Men who are connected to emotions and relationships receive these benefits: a deeper understanding, appreciation, and love of self; more meaningful relationships; opportunities to satisfy emotional needs; increased vitality and vigor; greater capacity to establish and keep agreements; and a genuine desire for greater connection. In other words, we grow as men in connection, not in isolation.

Love: Sharing with an Open Heart

Love is as important to men as breath. However, we often feel more comfortable being warriors than lovers. Since love is inherent in each of us, we don’t have to find it; we merely need to access it. That often involves finding and removing those barriers within ourselves that prevent us from giving and receiving love from a soulful place. We can then take steps to increase the power of self-love and loving with an open heart.

Authenticity: Relating with Accountability and Integrity

Being authentic means facing our fear of vulnerability and dropping our defensive armor. The price of not doing so takes a toll on our health and relationships. The Jungian concept of shadow illustrates how we hide disowned parts of ourselves. We offer simple steps to be authentic and accountable to ourselves and others. Authenticity shines the light on integrity and accountability, key attributes for the evolving man.

Spirituality: Connecting Within and With Others

Spirituality is different from religion. Religion attempts to codify and control our connection with Spirit, while spirituality is the direct experience of Spirit that we feel in our hearts, minds, and souls. A connection to Spirit links us to something greater than ourselves. Our spiritual dimension guides us towards living a life of mission and purpose. We expand our spirituality through practices whereby we consciously connect to a Higher Power and, from that place, relate to others.

Sexuality: Accessing Pleasure Responsibly

Men are often uncomfortable having real conversations about their sexual selves, especially with other men. In the outmoded model, men postured, lied about sexual conquests, and magnified their imagined sexual power and potency even as they are completely mystified, terrified, and ignorant of their own sexual natures. When we open the door to a frank and honest discussion about our sexuality, we can let go of the shame and guilt, embrace that juicy part of ourselves, and sexually awaken as responsible, soulful men.

Intention: Creating Your Mission of Service

For some, the word intention represents focusing on getting the right house, career, car, bank account, and partner. That form of intention can be ego-driven with the accumulation of objects as the prime objective. Success then becomes defined as attracting the right stuff. Our intention is to help men discover purpose and meaning in their lives. From that place, they consciously create a mission to utilize talents and skills to be of service. Mission is central to men living fully and making a lasting positive impact on others. In the process, we face and dissolve those shadow parts of ourselves that prevent us from realizing our vision and unleashing our power on the world.

Community: Building a Circle of Men

Community is a necessity in our ongoing evolution. Therefore, we need to feel connected to a brotherhood that helps us sustain our personal growth through the development and expansion of the eight dimensions. When we sit in a diverse circle with other men, we can share stories, acknowledge sorrows and victories, challenge old beliefs, and recognize and bless one another. Paradoxically, when men feel connected to other authentic men, we can more easily embrace women. Community offers a container to connect in love and authenticity to renew the mind, strengthen courage, and find heart.

Sovereignty: Leading with Your Inner King

Sovereignty is about connecting with our inner authority, our wise King. If we were not raised in a proverbial castle with a wise King/father figure, we may become a weakling or tyrant in our own kingdom. As men, we are called to harness the authority of our good, generative King and integrate the inner advisors of the warrior, magician, and lover so we stand tall in the world.

I believe in men. I believe we men have the capacity to heal ourselves and others. We believe that, if given guidance and support, men will prosper and then the statistics that began this article will no longer be true.

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