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Some written therapy…
Like many of you, some major wrecking balls have already rampaged their way through my life recently, after repeatedly attempting to smash through what I believed were astutely crafted perfectly strong walls I’d so carefully built for myself these past few years.
I mean it makes perfect sense, that these wrecking balls in all their beautiful destruction finally broke through, since our human containers can only naturally accumulate an excessive amount of tension before reaching the point of critical mass…and for me these symptoms, unfortunately, manifested themselves in the form of extreme adrenal burnout and fatigue last May 2017
But 2018 was the straw that broke the camels back, and I actually say this quite literally. My kickoff into January 1st (Happy New Years!) was a broken back so severe I rarely slept for 2 months straight due to excruciating pain the gnarly ripple effect that came along with it in the form of intense anxiety coupled with depression.
I’ve written in previous articles about how depression was something I presumed I’d overcome permanently, after living symptom-free from these types conditions for over 4 years, until this point.
At the time, I’d considered this a huge accomplishment in getting my life back on track after spending over nearly a decade lost in a tumultuous sea of disheartened confusion after feeling like my brain broke sometime around my early 20s.
Well to add further insult to injury, everything I’ve described so happened to transpire while the business I quite literally poured my heart and soul into was quickly ascending to a boom, and crossing over into something big. I was on the verge of launching major projects, many of which undoubtedly would’ve taken what I do now to the next level.
But since “SoulTrekker” involves lifting people up using various avenues of motivational diversification… you could probably take a wild guess at why I felt forced to shelve its momentum, if for no other reason than that my previously consistent inspirational vibe had now unintentionally fallen flat due to certain physical and emotional limitations that were seemingly beyond my control.
Anyways, Blah blah blah…the goal of this article isn’t to sit here crying about how tough life is. In fact, I have zero interest vested in whipping out my dick at the pity party to compare who has the biggest victim story of the bunch and who’s been shafted the hardest.
Actually I wrote this article because I feel many of us have recently gone through these motions, but I felt I needed to clarify my own experiences, as for some odd reason people tend to convolute themselves into believing my life’s all unicorns, rainbows, and lollipops just because I post positivity on social media, when in reality this year so far has been the most challenging of my life, and nothing more than a self-made prison of hell inside my mind. I don’t know about the rest of you, but recently I’ve been on plotting and planning prison break mission to bust myself out this joint.
This year’s been all about finding the tremendous courage within myself in my day to day to keep going…because despite what you might believe, courage isn’t always loud. Sometimes it’s nothing more than a quiet whisper that’s offering up simple words of encouragement like: “Don’t give up. Eat today. Take a shower.”
Where are we headed from here? What does the future hold? I’m not sure and quite frankly, I don’t care.
Personally, I’ve surrendered away the illusions of control and any futile attempt to understand the concept of destination a long time ago.
The meaning of surrender is often misinterpreted anyways. It’s not really about surrendering to something outside you so much, it’s about you surrendering to yourself. Every single last beautiful, messy bit of you.
Life’s all about the journey, and this is something I breathe.
The truth is nobody knows what happens onwards from here, but in my own life, I’ve allowed myself to accept there’s a possibility that both myself and everything I worked so hard to build may not ever return. In fact, I know it won’t because if there’s one thing for certain, it’s that the only constant in this universe is changing, and while there were some good elements to the past, there were also plenty of deep-rooted issues that I allowed to consistently sabotage and contaminate my happiness. So why would I ever want to keep reliving these old stories exactly as they were before?
Recently I released any stories that no longer added any real value or offered any meaning to my life. After all, everything has seasons and all seasons end. I’ve come to understand that the past only has but one dutiful purpose, and that is to propel you into deeper levels of insight and awareness all to discover the truth of who you really are now in the present.
Your life isn’t going in circles. Progress is made in spirals. You always come back around to where you began, but each time this happens you have gained more knowledge, experience, and strength.
This means you ARE making progress.
So keep doing your best to have faith, and trust all is well even through the shitstorms…even when you may not quite understand what this means.
There’s definitely an irony in the fact that even despite everything I’ve described, I don’t feel weak, I actually FEEL STRONGER. I feel more clear about myself, who I am, what I want and certainly what I DONT WANT in my life anymore, and more than ever before. It honestly feels like there’s not a single shred or bone in my body that still has the ability to settle for less than I deserve. There’s no more desire for “almost but not quite,” or “just good enough.” There’s absolutely NO MORE SETTLING FOR SCRAPS.
There’s this deeper knowing within me that says this is the beginning of SOMETHING BIG. We are far from the end my friends. What we’ve just been through is comparable to final remnants of the towers from our pasts crashing down, and now we can finally get started in rebuilding our lives again, only this time you get to be the author of its instruction manual.
And by the way, I don’t write these written pieces just as therapy for myself, but more so as important reminders for us all that we’re all in this thing called “life” together, and at the risk of sounding incredibly cliche, you are not alone in what you’ve recently experienced. Don’t weasel yourself into lies by convincing yourself no one else understands you in what you are going through or would possibly ever lend an ear to listen. There’s literally support all around you, whether that’s in the physical or online. I cannot stress how important it is right now to release whatever emotional baggage is still lingering around you and weighing in heavy on your chest.
My final piece of advice is to allow the last remaining pieces of the old tower walls to crumble so you can get onto rebuilding your life rather than allowing yourself to continue getting lost inside the mazes of past rubble. Reach out. There are people out here to help you, and remember…we are all in this together, even through the wrecking balls.
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