June 12th 2014, was a day that brought a dramatic twist to my life story. When I read journal entries, articles and social media posts from that time 10 years ago, and compare my life before and after a heart attack, I am amazed at the metamorphosis that has taken place.
An entry from two years ago spells it out succinctly.
“Today is June 12, 2022.
Eight years ago, I had no clue that in a few hours I would be ensconced in a hospital bed with wires, monitors, beeps punctuating the air. Staff bustling in and out. Post stent insertion, new life awaiting me. An out-of-the-blue (or so I thought at the time) heart attack on the way home from the gym.
Crazy, busy schedule with multiple jobs and responsibilities. Five to six hours of sleep a night. Pushing, rushing, speeding my way through life on autopilot. I was burning the candle at both ends until there was almost no more wax left.
Lifestyle changes were necessary, even though I fought some of them mightily in my head. I thought I was invulnerable and invincible. I come from hardy stock. I also come from workaholic stock. It was my self-imposed sense of worth. If I wasn’t on the go, accomplishing, being busy and productive, being of service, who was I?”
I measure my life BHA (Before Heart Attack) and AHA (After Heart Attack). BHA- I was a busy/buzzy Type A+ workaholic who practiced what I called ‘savior behavior’. I erroneously believed that it was my job to fix, save, heal and kiss all the boo boos to make them better for family, friends and clients. Because I had the education and experience as a social worker and psychotherapist, I figured that I should because I could. Was I ever overwhelmed at times? Yup. Did it stop me from giving it my all? Nope. It felt good being the indispensable go-to person for folks. I liked being counted on. It also felt like insurance against rejection. Who wouldn’t love a caregiver?
AHA- I have come to recognize that I don’t need to be and can’t be all things to all people. There’s no glory in being wired up in a hospital bed with oxygen up my nose and IVs in my arms because I had overdone nearly everything in my life. These days, I help when I can and say the magic word ‘no’ when I am not able or willing. I had literally felt ‘all gived out’. AHA, I now know that I can revel in taking naps and flying under the radar. I have been spending more solo time, more contemplative time, more staring out the window and watching the wind dance the trees and a bunny dashing across my lawn time. I am not wasting time, as I would have viewed it before. I am investing time in my well being.
The same year as the heart attack, I founded Hugmobsters Armed With Love, a merry band of friends who initially gathered at 30th Street Station in Philadelphia for a Valentines Weekend Free Hugs Flash mob. At the end of the one hour experience, having hugged a few hundred people between the dozen of us, I realized how good it felt to hug strangers and have them pass on the love to others. I thought it was a one off event. Four months later, the heart attack came a’calling and during cardiac rehab that followed, I walked through Doylestown, PA and considered that hugs are both emotional and physical heart friendly, thus began FREE HUG strolls. Sometimes friends joined me and sometimes I did them solo. They have occurred here in the States, in Canada and Ireland. I keep my signs in the car, so I can spontaneously hug if the spirit moves me.
This past Saturday, I took it to the streets of Doylestown with my friend Amy who, herself is a consummate hugger and is part of the FREE MOM HUGS crew. The founder, Sara Cunningham shares these values. “Empowering the world to celebrate the LGBTQIA+ community through visibility, education, and conversation.” I have a sign in my yard which proclaims that I offer them as well.
At a Pride event in Doylestown a few years ago.
I wanted to celebrate the extraordinary reality that 10 years after a life threatening and changing event, I am still here to talk about it, walk about it, write about it and hug about it. I lost count of the number of hugs I experienced as I walked through town and it doesn’t really matter. I traipsed through our local farmers’ market and visited friends in their stores. With those who said no to actual hugs, I shared virtual hugs that left us both smiling.
I’m grateful for all of the loving and wonderful people who helped to get me to this cardiaversary and all of the extraordinary experiences I have had in the interim. Here’s to more days of living, loving and hugging.
with James Lamb of Evolution Candy.
With Amy J. Bromberg and Renee Diefes-Bergere at Lotus 8.
With folks from BCS Compost in their booth at our local farmers’ market. 
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