Keeping your problems to yourself can make them seem worse.
This was previously published on Men’s Wellbeing.
The latest suicide figures have been released and, unsurprisingly, little has changed. Four times as many men commit suicide compared to women. This is true whatever age range is being considered. It is also true internationally. Wherever you live in the world, as a man you are four times more likely to end your own life than your female neighbour. So what is happening?
One key factor is that the people who kill themselves tend to be depressed or have alcohol issues. It’s not that women don’t get depressed or have alcohol issues; it’s more the way women choose to deal with these problems. Women are more likely to talk through their problems with a close friend or family member. This acts as a protective factor. If you can talk through your problems you not only feel less alone, but paradoxically, the problems don’t seem as bad, either.
Men, on the whole, are not as good as women about asking their mates for help. I see this all the time with the men I work with. They may be going through hell and grappling with really serious issues, but they wouldn’t dream of turning to their mates for support.
And this is crucial. If you feel alone with your problems, they can often seem insurmountable. Suicide seems more reasonable in these circumstances, as a way of ending the pain. Perhaps this is also why men choose more lethal ways of taking their own life than women, and succeed more often as a consequence.
Saying that men are more likely to commit suicide because they are less able to talk through their problems with their mates just begs a different question: Why don’t fellas talk?
At a biological level, testosterone starts killing off the social/emotional brain in men from only six weeks old. The testosterone surge at puberty, for many men, finishes the job off. As a consequence many men simply lack the ability to communicate effectively about their problems and needs. No doubt this has an impact on male subculture, which prizes strength over vulnerability and competence over failure. It’s unsurprising that many men, when faced with difficulties in life, feel they have nowhere to turn.
So what should you do if you are having suicidal thoughts and feelings? It’s really important you let someone know how you feel. I understand it’s difficult talking to friends and family, but they can often be the best people to turn to. If there is simply no one you trust, then turn to the professionals. Your G.P. is a good place to start, as is a therapist. Both will have heard men talk of suicide many times before, so you won’t be burdening them. If anything they will be concerned to hear how unhappy your life is right now. If speaking to someone face to face is too much to start with, ring the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90. They have decades of experience of helping men with their suicidal feelings.
At a broader level, we need to change the male culture of ‘toughing it out’. We may not be able to change the impact of testosterone on our brains, but we don’t have to accept indifference to our fellow men as desirable or acceptable. You can start to make that change yourself today. Start looking out for your buddies, and if they seem to be having a hard time of things, make the space for them to talk about what’s going on for them. You don’t have to solve their problems, and they may well turn the offer down, but simply knowing that someone cares enough to try can literally mean the difference between life and death.
In Canada and the U.S., the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Read more on Suicide and Health, Psych & Addiction.
Image of sad paper person courtesy of Shutterstock
Great topic that has been hashed and rehashed for years. But nothing has been done to change things. Let’s be honest guys, men are not important in our society and are more dispensable/disposable them ever before. All I’ve seen from both political parties for the past countless days is “the women’s vote” and there we have it, a glaring snapshot at where we’re at and how important we are. Take a look at fatherless kids, studies re clear that active dads in kids lives are critical to the childs well being yet what’s being done about it? Nothing. Years ago,… Read more »
This topic is always a difficult one for me. Having suffered from suicidal ideation for as long as I can remember and having lost my best childhood friend to suicide these statistics really hit close to home. My best friend was being abused in the same way and by the same people I was and he ended his life when we were fifteen. I wish I could say that deaths such as his are now much less likely to occur but the reality is that there is still not nearly enough support for male abuse survivors. I know first-hand how… Read more »
“At a biological level, testosterone starts killing off the social/emotional brain in men from only six weeks old. The testosterone surge at puberty, for many men, finishes the job off. As a consequence many men simply lack the ability to communicate effectively about their problems and needs” Well, gee Doc, it doesn’t seem particularly fair to ask us to do something we apparently “lack the ability” to do, something that’s been “killed off” in our brains. If your facts are straight (which if you can’t tell, I highly doubt they are) doing so would be the same as asking the… Read more »
The present use of language and highly contested sources of dubious best seller fame are all part of the growing issue of “Neurosexism” – take a poorly understood factoid – expound upon it and create a supposed Self Evident truth that divides people at a chromosomal and hormonal level! It’s the same as the idiots who heard that cyanide had been detected in the tail of Halley’s Comet (1910) and so many bought the special comet pills to ward of the supposed deadly effects! It’s Total Barnum & Bailey – “Every crowd has a silver lining.” I would strongly recommend… Read more »
ht tp://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/1998/11/981112075159.htm
Basically they found women attempted more but as a cry for help but men see it as an endgame final solution.
I believe recently they found there were just as many men who were depressed as woman but men showed different signs, and opened up about it/reported it less. Anyone else hear about this or know where the study is?
According to my mental health studies class, more women attempt suicide, but more men succeed at it. This is partly due to the methods used. Women tend to use suicide methods that you you have a better chance of surviving and being saved from (e.g. overdosing on a medicine), while men use more violent and lethal means (e.g. shooting oneself with a gun).
So, Brittney, perhaps women’s attempts are really not intended to succeed but are especially powerful ways of saying “help me” which are then heard? Perhaps because women expect to be heard?
And perhaps men’s expectation that they will not be heard and not be helped leads them to conclude that they should just go ahead and succeed in killing themselves?
Whatever the case may be, Brittney, I have a question for you and wellokaythen:
Are you saying that special efforts to prevent male suicide should not be made?
This is partly due to the methods used. Women tend to use suicide methods that you you have a better chance of surviving and being saved from (e.g. overdosing on a medicine), while men use more violent and lethal means (e.g. shooting oneself with a gun).
So the next question is, “Why do men tend to pick more violent means?”
I’m sure if this were something that was mainly affecting women we’d have no problem wanting to go deeper than, “this is why it affects women more.”.
“more women attempt suicide, but more men succeed at it. ”
I’ve found this claim suspect, because it’s been my experience that when the statisticians compile their data they fail to take into account 2 things: 1, that every “successful” suicide was an attempt first, most compilers list as one or the other and 2: if someone doesn’t succeed in killing themselves the first time, they are then able to attempt it again a second time, or a third time, and so on.
That’s part of it Britteny and the rest is the difference in the degree of intent. when men attempt suicide, they more often actualy intend to kill themsleves. That’s just a function of the empathy apartheid in society – if a woman makes “a call for help”, she ‘s likely to get it, along with sympathy and soul-searching all around; when a man does it he is derided and despised for ebing weak. So the call for help is not really an option. No one will give a shit anyway. And this bullshit, sub-professional article, full of victim blaming of… Read more »
It’s disappointing that a stark reality such as this – men perceiving their lives as not worth continuing, which is worthy of our compassion and personal attention – is so often responded to with generalizations and generic platitudes. Applying the scientific method to this sort of existential dilemma is risky to begin with. As soon as we quantify human emotion with soulless chemical reactions arbitrarily going off in the brain we’re already in trouble. Just to perceive a human being in such terms is enough to make many men and women feel that life is scarcely a sacred experience worth… Read more »
Saying that men are more likely to commit suicide because they are less able to talk through their problems with their mates just begs a different question: Why don’t fellas talk? At a biological level, testosterone starts killing off the social/emotional brain in men from only six weeks old. The testosterone surge at puberty, for many men, finishes the job off. As a consequence many men simply lack the ability to communicate effectively about their problems and needs. No doubt this has an impact on male subculture, which prizes strength over vulnerability and competence over failure. It’s unsurprising that many… Read more »
Yes, and testosterone itself is a far more complicated influence than it is commonly described. In discussions like this one, testosterone seems pretty simple and straightforward – men have more of it and it causes X to happen, end of story. In fact, the relationship between testosterone and the brain is very complex, and behavior influences testosterone as much as the testosterone influences behavior. (Root for the team that loses the Super Bowl and your level goes down. Get into a fistfight and your level surges AFTER the fight.) If we think of testosterone as some sort of poison, then… Read more »
Bear in mind that medical science is still not really sure how anti-depressants actually work, so explaining the link between testosterone and behavior is still a bit of guesswork. I would love to see the study protocols for establishing the supposed facts being propagated. Lets see – we need a longitudinal study with a minimal number of subjects from conception to say age 25 – that will be women who agree that whilst pregnant we can investigate – blood tests – ultrasounds – selective culling of both male and female foetuses for dissection of the brain …. oh that means… Read more »
Hang on. I see nowhere mentioned any statistics about *attempts* at suicide. My understanding was that men and women attempt suicide at much closer rates, but men are statistically more likely to “succeed” at the attempt. Men are far more likely to use a gun or other more certain method, less likely to leave a note, and less likely to use a suicide attempt as a cry for help. Women are more likely to try an overdose, for example, which fails to kill more than most people think. Women tend to attempt suicide in ways that are easier to thwart.… Read more »
And then the question becomes: What motivates this difference in methods? I don’t think men tend to use carbonmonoxide poisoning, hanging and guns because they like cars, western movies and guns and that the fatality rate of those methods are just a unfortunate coincidence. The difference in methods sometimes seem to me to be a red herring which can be used to cut the discussion short. Almost a sort of victim blaming: well, men use guns and those are deadlier therefore more men die from suicide – nothing more to discuss. That men don’t talk about their problem, or don’t… Read more »
Oh Boy! P^{} I will open by making it clear that I am most unhappy by the loaded language and stereotypes that this piece is party to propagating. Saying that men are more likely to commit suicide because they are less able to talk through their problems with their mates just begs a different question: Why don’t fellas talk? My own experience is anecdotal, but when I use it I have to query the validity of that statement and the question. In my experience (Some 30 years) fellas do talk – the issue is not the talking, it’s the listening!… Read more »
MH writes: “Being a woman, says neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine, is like having giant, invisible antennae that reach out into the world, constantly aware of the emotions and needs of those around you. Well if Brizendine’s views on antennae are so well founded and researched – er???? – why are they so poorly tuned in to men and suicide? … or is it that men’s “..emotions and needs..” are tuned out and off the radar? Can’t have it both ways! … Constantly Aware?” Great point MH. If men have a responsibility to stop rape, do women have a responsibility to stop… Read more »
Meant to say “do women have a responsibility to prevent *male* suicide”
Ozy is a zie, doesn’t want to be male or female identified as far as I know? I think female born but identifies as a neutral/no gender? Anyway the site is much more censored from what I gather than the GMP.
Interesting point on “do women have a responsibility to prevent MALE suicide”. Personally I think we all have a responsibility to be decent people, help out where we can and try make the world a better place. Hopefully in doing that there will be less rape, less suicide, less suffering.
“If men have a responsibility to stop rape, do women have a responsibility to stop suicide?” Are women violently entering men’s personal space and physically interfering with their brains with their body parts that could cause them not only pain and mental anguish but a myriad of diseases? Oh, then rape really isn’t the same as male suicide. The responsibility level isn’t the same, it’s comparing apples and oranges. Men may be committing suicide but we can’t say that that is because of women. I think it is most likely due to *other men*. Women don’t cause male suicide, but… Read more »
As a depressed woman, I have thought about suicide a lot in the past. No one would miss me if I was to be gone, etc but I never went through with it (except maybe the slow form through unhealthy habits). Maybe that is difference. I think about it but do not attempt it.
If you look at the stats on attemps though Jen they show that women are about 3 times as likely to do so than men. Some seem to think that the start and finish of why men kill themselves more often than women is simply a matter of what means are chosen. Men are more likely to use more overtly violent means (guns and hanging and I think jumping from heights) while women are likely to use less violent means (namely poison and overdosing). No one would miss me if I was to be gone, etc but I never went… Read more »
You are right about those statistics. I have heard them before. I tend to do a post about suicide once and a while on my blog. Men just succeed more often.
No one should have those feelings but they are there.
You can be depressed and still be a good father, lover, brother and son. I genuinely wish people could see that. People seem to have forget that the man that is depressed is still that same person even though they are depressed. That leads to further isolation.
Men kill themselves 4x more often than women because it doesn’t matter. It’s not considered to be a problem by society. If girls and women killed themselves, 4x more often, you can bet it would be a HUUUUGE issue. By contrast, society at large celebrates and glorifies the death of boys and men, especially if done by violent means. This is the message that boys are taught their whole lives. Evidence? When has a politician ever, Ever, EVER cared enough to even mention that 4x more boys and men kill themselves than girls and women? When has a politician even… Read more »
I think it is hard in general to get people to care much about suicide (unless it happens to someone you care about) because it is seen as a choice. I live in the SF Bay Area, and there are constantly debates in the media about the suicides at the Golden Gate Bridge. The bridge district approved a suicide barrier a few years ago, but there is no money to build it. It’s going to cost $50 million or something like that. Most people around here honestly aren’t bothered by the large number of suicides at the bridge because they… Read more »
If women were the ones mainly jumping off the bridge, the money would somehow magically appear. Just lke federal and state governments find hundreds of millions to allocated for violence against women but $0.00 for violence against men.
There was a 15 year old girl from Marin County who jumped off the bridge and her parents are vocal advocates of a barrier. It hasn’t made much difference in public attitudes from what I can tell.
Which is why I write about my troubles with depression. I hope to change attitudes and the stigma for men and woman about talking about it.
Getting battered is also a “choice” but somehow we have VAWA.
“At a biological level, testosterone starts killing off the social/emotional brain in men from only six weeks old. ”
I love all the talk recently about how bad/underdeveloped the “male” brain is. Testosterone does not, repeat, does not kill off parts of the brain.
JTC – the language is so loaded and fits with a best seller aimed at a prescribed audience. Funny but the claims have been debunked and reality just can’t compete with all that coverage from 2006.
Imagine the reaction if a male writer wrote that lack of testosterone in the female foetus failed to kill off parts of the brain? I can read the hate male and even hate mail as I type! P^)
I’ve written a far fuller response – and it’s not moderate!