JJ Vincent gives his personal instructions on mastering a list things that we’re supposed to know. To impress chicks. Or other dudes. Or something.
So various media outlets and Professors of Manliness (Dave Barry, I’m looking at you) have been making lists of things every man should know. Problem is, they come with long, complicated lists of instructions written in weird languages and numbers, or they link you to a website that takes you to even more manly thing you should know. And who has time for that? Who has time to read 10 pages of instructions when we’re supposed to be being manly?
So I offer this to you, fellow gents (or others who wish to master these fine arts). A simple, no-nonsense, no-frills guide to doing “Things a Man Should Know”.
1. How to Skin a Moose (I am not making this up. It is on this list. #1, in fact.)
· Don’t move to a place where you might one day have to skin a moose, and you’ll never have to prove this skill.
2. Own a Plant Without Killing it
· Buy a good hearty cactus. BONUS: Can be used for home or office defense.
3. Jumpstart a Car
· Unless you’re in the middle of nowhere (and thus lacking in another care to jump you, leaving you screwed anyway), there’s someone else nearby or programmed into your phone. Get help. Isn’t that what we’re here for, and don’t you want to keep the AAA guy employed?
4. Get a Busy Bartender’s Attention
· Since flashing body parts is generally frowned upon by local law enforcement, eye contact and a brief nod will get you your third Appletini before last call.
5. Fillet a Fish
· Wait for Lenten season, then buy one at your local fried food establishment. 2 for $5. Oh wait, that’s Filet-o-Fish. Well. Alrighty then, moving right along…
6. Sew a Button
· You do have more than one shirt or pair of pants, right?
7. Console a Crying Woman
· If you think you’ll have chance to encounter one, pulling some clean tissue (or even a fast-food napkin) out of your pocket or manbag for her will earn you major good-guy points.
8. Wire a Ceiling Fixture
· You’ve got an electronic-and-metal thingy with letters and numbers and such. Use it to call an electrician.
9. Cook Eggs Four Ways
· Scrambled, scrambled with cheese, scrambled with bacon and cheese, scrambled with whatever’s handy and not covered in fuzz. Notice the word? S-c-a-m-b-l-e-d.
10. Understand Your Financial Commitments
· Repeat this mantra frequently: Credit cards must be paid back. That way, this will be embedded in your mind the next time you’re tempted to pick up the tab for your bros when you’re on your 5th Jaegershot.
11. Play a Song on a Musical Instrument
· The kazoo is an instrument. BONUS: Your kindred spirits will love it. Anyone who does not is not for you.
12. Compliment Your Friends
· If the best you can think of is, “Dude, you didn’t chuck in my car last night! You RAWK!”, you might want to rethink your repetoire of Nice Things to Say. Or your friends.
13. Advanced Google Searches
· Need to do any pf the about? The last thing you want to do is spend forever trying to remember it was a .com, a .net, a .org, or a .whydidntibookmarkthisbefore?
14. Proofread Things That Other People are Going to Read·
· Take a moment or three to give what you wrote a good look-over, or else people might think you wrote it on Saturday night at 3AM after those three Appletinis and five Jaegershots.
What are some other ‘”must know” skills you recommend?
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*For the record, there were zero Appletinis, Jaegershots, or anything else alcoholic or herbal, involved in the writing of this. Which brings me to:
15. Laugh at Yourself
· There’s only one way to master this one. Realize that at some point, everyone else is laughing at you. Sorry. Just the way it is. I know some of you are doing it right how. Half of you are dying to call me out on the typos. Go ahead. I obviously need to improve on #14. At least at 3AM.
—Photo rarvesen/Flickr