THE PITCH is our way to help pop culture along. Shakespeare wrote, “there is nothing new under the sun,” and Hollywood is a big fan of that, so we help guide them towards what they should be remaking.
In 1985, a toy line and cartoon series debuted called Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors with a storyline — brace yourself for this one — developed by J. Michael Straczynski. In it, a heroic orphan hanging out with two technologically-created misfits hooked up with an old wizard and a dark haired scoundrel on a spaceship to fly off and fight an evil overlord and his faceless legion of murderers intent on galactic domination.
Sound familiar? Yeah, okay, that’s largely Star Wars, but Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors had a number of charming elements that made it worth remembering. First, the vehicles — both on the show and the toys — were great. Ignoring the teensy, hardly-articulated humaniform creatures or the literal “brains” which “piloted” the villain vehicles, there were nearly endless ways to alter and customize the vehicles. One could even swap weapons between good guys and bad guys, if one were so inclined. The toys were a good scale — smaller than sometimes unwieldy G.I. Joe vehicles but bigger than crappy die-cast cars or Hot Wheels — for small hands and were thin enough plastic to be easy to work with while being sturdy enough to fall on once or twice without significant permanent damage (if you avoided the posts where things attached … true story).
Today, Hollywood’s desperate for any old property to remake/rehash/bring back for a nostalgia-hungry post Baby Boomer audience. Does that mean it’s time for Mighty Orbots in 3-D or Vehicle Voltron finally getting his due? Maybe not, but this is the way Komplicated would bring back one of JMS’ less well known works …
Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors
THE ELEVATOR PITCH: Fast 5 meets Mad Max in space
THE CAST:
You start with the “good guys” — the ones you are supposed to like and root for …
- Lightning League: Jayce: Mark Salling
For your lead, you need a complex actor who can be heroic but likeable, whose looks won’t overwhelm but who isn’t an uggo either. Glee‘s Noah Puckerman has the right physicality, the right comic timing and the right ability to balance vulnerability with aggression. The character lost his father to the soulless machines that hunt him relentlessly, and he’s got the key to saving the day, if he can stay alive long enough to make it work. - Lightning League: Herc Stormsailor: RonReaco Lee (REMIX)
Purists complain about changes in these adaptations. Michael Clarke Duncan as Wilson Fisk in Daredevil (which actually turned out all right, for just that character). Elizabeth Hurley as the Devil in Bedazzled (which didn’t go well for anyone). Et cetera ad infinitum. However, one for all is not always all for one — what worked in one kind of medium might not work in another. With Chris Evans and Ryan Reynolds all franchised up, there’s a shortage of guys who can believably carry off the rakish scoundrel shtick. However, with his role of Julius on the short-lived The Good Guys, RonReaco showed how he could switch from charming to “shoot first” and back with the ease of a 1976 Harrison Ford. Skin color notwithstanding, he’d run with this role and make it matter.
Lightning League: Audric (Jayce’s dad): Jeff Bridges
Almost a no-brainer. With shades of Tron‘s Flynn, the mad genius and absentee father who set all these things in motion. He’s got the gruff loving thing down pat, he’s got that Obadiah Stane edge which would let you believe he’d accidentally created the Monster Minds and he could carry off the flowing robe shtick.- Lightning League: Gillian: Helena Bonham Carter (REMIX)
Audric’s partner was an eminence grise on the cartoon, a kooky old wizard in the Gandalf (or McGuinness Obi-Wan) tradition. Here, going a different way helps break down this sausage fest into something for a wider audience, and Bonham Carter’s otherworldly ambiance makes her perfect. Plus, you’ll score points with the women’s lobby for making a smart, innovative and capable female character that’s not afraid to get her hands dirty.
Lightning League: Flora: Daniella Baltodano (REMIX)
The original character had a lot in common with Penny from Inspector Gadget, a brainy, precocious little girl who still needed protection but was also crucial to making things work in the story. However, in that the “precocious kid part” was ultimately generic (the aforementioned Mighty Orbots had a robot girl for it), the specifics of the role don’t need a moppet-like redhead. This actress, who’s best known for being the Eva Longoria’s kid who has less to say on Desperate Housewives, is another solid choice that’ll bring in a new demographic while giving kids their “in” and perspective character.- Lightning League: Oon: A kid in an armored suit CGI, voiced by John Cleese
Veteran actor who can do a wide emotional range with just his voice, while you’ve got a kid doing all the slapstick and what not. Or maybe a midget. Why not, you know? Heck, if we think he can be funny in a madcap way, hire Peter Dinklage and hit two birds with one stone. He seems a little grim, though. Anyhoo, this is another way to throw kids a lifeline and the toy tie in guys will love you for it, a la Chim Chim.
Then you get to do the villains, and here’s where you really make the most of your casting money …
- Monster Minds: Xzibit as Saw Boss
The irony factor — that Mr. “Pimp Your Ride” stars as the lead villain of a project about radically modifying vehicles — shouldn’t be undersold and can help get a lot of urban media coverage. Likewise, he’s an experienced vocalist with a talent for storytelling and an ability to twist complicated phrasing. He’s also got a wicked sense of humor, and as a hard core gamer can appreciate this kind of geeked out material … especially if there’s a video game tie in. He’d be all over that.
Monster Minds: Kevin Grevioux as Terror Tank
Have you heard this guy’s voice? Wow. Not just one of the Elders of the Soul Review Board here at Komplicated, he also created Kate Beckinsale’s world in Underworld, made Adam the Blue Marvel for Marvel Comics and is working on a project called I, Frankenstein. Terror Tank should be a walk in the park.- Monster Minds: Frank Welker as Gun Grinner (channeling Cobra Commander/Starscream)
The classic cartoon bad guy. Add a taste of psychosis to this lethal character, who’s almost a blank slate, and you have room for the voiceover veteran to go to town.
Monster Minds: Nathan Fillion as KO Kruiser
A bad guy for everybody’s favorite browncoat? Yeah, for two reasons: first, it’s a fun role for him to do, casting against type. Second, it brings a scary contingent of fans on board, which is — like the remixes — a plus. Third, he nails down almost everything he does. Yeah, book this one.- Monster Minds: Clancy Brown as Beast Walker
Another voiceover legend, he was Parallax in Green Lantern, he was Lex Luthor in Superman: The Animated Series and he brings a sense of gravitas to the big gun of the Monster Minds.
- Monster Minds: Gary Oldman as Dr. Zorg
This one really doesn’t require much explanation. Ask him if he wants everyone. Go on. Do it.
Also …
- Jal Gorda: Kelly Hu or Olivia Munn (REMIX)
The original character, a weird animal looking thing that looks like Hank McCoy’s cousin after secondary mutation, was kind of meh. Toss in some eye candy and you’ve got something for the poster, plus you can make this pivotal role — a spy who was brainwashed by Saw Boss, then acted as a double agent to get her revenge — have some real dramatic grist that’s beyond exploitation.
THE MOST UNKINDEST CUT.
Every character won’t make it. Some were too generic to redeem, such as Saw Trooper Commander (duplicitous with Saw Boss there, especially if you make the Monster Minds tribes of sentient machines) and Brock (who was just fluttering around anyway).
Many of the vehicles — Armed Force, Drill Sergeant, Quick Draw, Spike Trike, Trail Blazer and so on — don’t even need pilots, so you don’t have to worry about the size of the cast. The sheer variance of the Monster Minds types, all the way up to scouts and space fighters, are a merchandising dream and a special effects bonanza.
IN CONCLUSION:
Overall, this could combine some savvy, genre clever writing with some top grade wide screen kineticism. Let’s green light this bad boy!
The idea had multiple points: 1) write something a studio could sign off on as a good way to spend their money (hence the number of remixes and fanbase checks) 2) write something legitimate fans of the property would enjoy (hence the special effects budget, leaving in Oon, who I hated) 3) write something to draw in people who had never heard of this, as they’re where most of the box office success comes from My “dream version” of this would look very different, but this is intended as the most plausible possible way of doing it so it could… Read more »
Not a bad write-up on a reboot. I didn’t even think about Mark Salling, but I have been watching the first season of Glee on dvd (don’t judge me. LOL), and he could pull it off. Frank Welker would be an easy sell for me, but he’s been in everything. Literally. Not to take from him, but maybe another voice artist? (not actor, voice artist). But great choices!