An honest woman’s perspective on letting go of a man who wasn’t right for me.
Working through a breakup by processing the pain, forgiving all parties and having gratitude for the experience.
Straight from my journal. No censoring. No filters.
The Process of Purging:
I feel like I fell for his shit in a way. When he told me he was never one to want to get married but with me he actually could see that as a possibility, I took that to be that he could see his future with me in it. That he wanted to build his future with me in it.
Did I totally misread his cues or was he so delusional himself in what he wanted or was capable of in a relationship?
I had no idea that he had JUST gotten out of a relationship not even two months before we reconnected. When he said he was getting ready to be in a relationship again I thought he had more time than that. That he had done the work and was actually ready. But it turns out he was anything but.
I am mad at him for leading me on. I am mad at myself for falling for it. I feel like we repeated the same pattern in a way. From the first time! Did neither of us learn anything from our initial attempt at being together? He thought he could take on way more than he was capable of and I became a casualty in his mismanagement of his life – yet AGAIN. Sucks.
I know I didn’t move to Austin for him but if I didn’t move then would we have ever known if this could work? Was he planning to just string me along with sweet words for months and months?
I hate that I still ended up being the one to lead the relationship. He had no intention of creating/building anything with me. He was happy letting it float off into never never land. And here I was like an idiot floating behind him, hoping he would be the one that wanted me, wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.
I love the guy but my god. He treated me like I was just any other person in his life sometimes. Like I didn’t matter. I was dispensable. He never put any effort out into our relationship. That makes my heart hurt.
I feel stupid, like I got duped. Like there was a bait and switch.
In my mind I created this whole fucking fantasy or dream that he was the one for me and we would have this amazing life together. I would be famous, traveling, he would come with me when he started his consulting career. He would eventually start helping hospitals build their infrastructure and/or build hospitals from the ground up in developing countries around the world.
We would be this amazing power couple, so in love, so open, honest, flexible. We would have our place in Austin. We would have a house in the mountains somewhere and then another place near the ocean.
I hated how he would put his family, even strangers before me. He wouldn’t even think about me when making plans. That should have been a big fat red flag. He would tell me we were going to do things and so easily make plans with others or try and squeeze me into his already existing plans. That one hurts too.
There really was never any room in his life for me but the part that hurt the most was he was not willing to create any room for me. I was the first thing to go when things got hard. That felt like such an asshole move.
At least this time he had the guts to tell me and not make me break up with him … although I was prepared to, and if he did not tell me during our last phone call, I was more than ready to have that conversation. I couldn’t take this lack of communication in our relationship anymore.
Shit I feel sick to my stomach. He definitely didn’t deserve me. I would do anything for that guy and I don’t know if I ever felt the same was true from him. He would bend over backwards for his family or his job but for me, nope.
He did not deserve me. He did not deserve me. He did not deserve me! DAMMIT!
The Process of Forgiving
I forgive you Thomas. But first I forgive myself.
I forgive myself for expecting more than what was present. You never made any promises and I assumed so much as to you giving me what I wanted from you.
I forgive myself for moving to Austin thinking that we would live happily ever after together at some point. I forgive myself for living more in my fantasy with our relationship than the reality of it.
I forgive myself for giving way more than I was getting in return. I forgive myself for creating another situation where I was definitely more invested in the relationship than my partner.
I forgive myself for not asking for and expecting that reciprocal level of effort and commitment in our relationship.
I forgive you Thomas for hurting me. I forgive you for not being completely candid with me as to your fears, capability and hesitation.
I forgive you for not putting more effort into fostering our relationship. I forgive you for never reaching out to me during the time we were apart.
I forgive you for not including me in your plans or planning ways in which we could be together.
I forgive you for not wanting to try harder at making US work.
I forgive you for the pain I am feeling as a result of your decision.
I forgive you.
The Process of Thanking
I am grateful we reconnected. After a year of not talking, seeing how our spark was still there was such a magical and beautiful thing.
I am grateful for the effort we did put into this second round because it healed so much for me, not just from our first interaction but from my distant past (childhood).
I am grateful to have finally been in an open relationship and had such a positive experience. It opened up a level of vulnerability and self analysis that I did not even know I needed for my evolution.
I am grateful for our amazing communication and complete trust in one another. I have never been able to literally say anything to my partner. The way he would listen and never judge was priceless for me and made me feel so unbelievably loved.
I am grateful for the way he opened his home to me and welcomed me like I was always meant to be there.
I am grateful for how he took care of me whenever we were together, always treated and super thoughtful. I am grateful to be the recipient of his generosity, his compassion and his kindness.
I am grateful for his affection. His embrace always felt so healing, reassuring and grounding.
I am grateful to have realized just how much love I could give in a romantic relationship, which felt limitless.
I am grateful for how much he did open his heart to me and shared such intimate details of his life.
I am grateful for our relationship as it was the catalyst for me moving to Austin and following through on that dream. I am grateful for our exploration of Dallas and all I got to experience in that city.
I am grateful for the amount I grew being with him.
I am grateful to know unconditional love because of us being in each other’s lives. I am grateful for the knowledge that we will always be in each other’s lives.
Finally, I am grateful to be able to practice unconditional love because I can let him go and still love him deeply and completely.
I love you Thomas, always have and always will.
Thank you for all that you brought into my life.