Okay, here’s the deal: I’m a woman. I’m not sure how it happened (likely through some combination of witchcraft … and cookies) but from my unfortunately-chosen soapbox here at the Good Men Project Magazine, I swear this to all mankind: I am not trying to chain, snag, capture, kidnap, bear trap, or crane kick you into committing to me or any other member of my man-nabbing gender.
Which is why I’m continually baffled when “dating experts” like Rory Raye delineate for me how to do just that. In a recent article titled “Top 10 Surprising Ways to Get a Guy to Commit,” Raye spends 10 talking points explaining how to act in order to get a guy to settle down. Her “counter-intuitive” advice includes anything from practical tips like “date more than one man at once” to pseudo psycho-babble like “don’t try to win him over” (lest I come off as a mommy).
But at the end, it’s not the points themselves that bother me—there’s clear merit to advice like “be in touch with your feelings”— it’s the reason for writing at all. It’s borne of the tired, exhausted, (already unconscious) assumption that A.) all women want is to make a guy commit and, B.) men naturally don’t want to commit.
Take a stroll around GMPM and you’ll see hoards of evidence to the contrary (and even some evidence that supports it). The point is that lists like these may be the prime editorial meat for magazines like Cosmopolitan but they overlook an entire menu of humanity in order to proclaim: “Love him but don’t be his girlfriend.” It does a disservice to women and it does a disservice to men. (Personally, I’m left feeling like I’m being bombarded by free samples of how-to-be-a-lady cakes when all I really want is to cook for myself.)
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With all that said, advice can be useful. And YourTango, the publication that ran this list, also runs plenty of other articles that celebrate the diversity of male and female behavior. Here are some great examples of both: Keeping An Erection During Oral Sex and Women Do Like Casual Sex.
Image cmspenc/Photobucket
It seems that women are very upset about men not wanting to marry them anymore and the lack of suitable men. It’s not individual men’s or women’s fault that men aren’t motivated anymore. The problem is extensive but can be remedied by significant changes to family law and the lack of male attendance in post-secondary education (40%)
What’s with all the drugging of young boys? Maybe we just need more male teachers and all male schools.
Did you even read this article?
Magazines would have us believe that if men could have all the sex they wanted, they’d never commit to someone ever. People like my boyfriend are thus erased. He and I moved in together last weekend. Even though he knows that I’m okay with him having sex with anyone else he’d like. Even though he won’t get more sex with me as a result of moving in with me. He knows this. And he wants to increase his commitment to me anyway. And me, I’m happy to be in this state of non-married non-monogamy. In fact, I prefer it. I… Read more »
Not that I’m belittling your lifestyle, but when someone commits, many people have expectations, and there is nothing wrong with expectations. I expect that my fiance will not sleep with anyone else but me, and I don’t see why this has to be considered a form of ownership just because I have expectations. Just like I’m sure you expect your boyfriend to be emotionally committed to you and no one else. Emotional/physical commitment aren’t really that different, because they require a degree of “ownership” you’re against.
Monogamy is not for everyone, just like polyamory is not for everyone.
Well, this makes me wonder: how is your situation to be considered ‘commitment’ if there is no sexual commitment? Sounds like roommates with benefits to me. Just logically that is, no judgement 🙂