Steven Crowder apparently waited until he got married to have sex, and would like to tell us all about it.
In general, I am happy for Mr. Crowder. He waited until he got married to have sex and had a very enjoyable loss of his virginity. I’m glad! I think everyone should have the right to do what they like with their own bodies. While monogamy and abstinence are not for me, I have no problem with anyone’s sex life, as long as it’s consensual, emotionally and physically healthy, and honest. In particular, I applaud him for managing to keep his virginity; many men who want to be abstinent endure all kinds of mockery and virgin-shaming, which is completely wrong. One is no less of a man for choosing not to have sex.
Where I start running into problems is when Mr. Crowder starts telling me that my sexual choices are wrong.
Mr. Crowder was a virgin until he married because his religion commanded it. Which is okay! Serious members of many religions have strange practices. Serious Christians remain virgins until they wed, serious Muslims fast during Ramadan, serious Jews take purifying baths after they menstruate, and serious atheists get into tedious arguments about elevators. But many Christians have this odd tendency to declare that their religion’s peculiar practices are The 100% Best Thing For Everyone To Do Ever, objectively, even outside of the context of their religion. Most Muslims don’t recommend fasting during Ramadan as a diet practice and most Jews don’t say that mikveh is a wonderful way for Gentiles to get in touch with their bodies. Why are Christians continually going on about how everyone needs to stop having sex except with their spouses?
Because, you know, Mr. Crowder, when you start saying things like “their fickle manhood tied to their pathetic sexual conquests” or “live-in harlot/mimbo” (I think the word is ‘himbo,’ sir), I rapidly start losing my sympathy for the problems of people making fun of you for remaining a virgin until you’re married.
And my sympathy entirely disappears when you start talking about how terrible other people’s relationships are.
Our wedding was truly a once in a lifetime event. It was a God’s-honest celebration of two completely separate lives now becoming one. Physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually, everything that made us who we were individually was becoming what bonded us together. Our family traveled from far and wide to celebrate the decision of two young people to truly commit themselves to each other, and selflessly give themselves to one another in a way that they never had before that very night.
The people next to us that morning [who had had sex before marriage]? Well, theirs was just one big party. And the morning after? Just another hangover.
I realize this may be a difficult concept for you to grasp, Mr. Crowder, but marriage is about more than sex.
Marriage is about having a life partner, someone who is always going to be by your side. It’s about staying up until 6 am when you have work the next morning because your partner is sick and needs someone to take care of them. It’s about your partner paying the bills because you hate keeping track of finances, and you doing the dishes because they have some kind of blindness that only applies to spaghetti sauce. It’s about stupid injokes about velociraptors and jam and arguments so old that no one outside the relationship can even keep track of what you’re fighting about. It’s about your partner’s sudden knowledge of guns and Team Fortress 2, despite their lack of interest in either, just because they hang around you so much. It’s about a shared history and shared lives and what the fuck does any of that have to do with whether a penis entered a vagina before or after the “I do”s?
Yes, a wedding is basically a big party. A wedding is a party that celebrates two people making that kind of stupid, ridiculous commitment to each other. But it really doesn’t matter whether your lives merged together all at once after a big wedding or slowly over a period of years. You’re still married regardless. It’s still beautiful.
1) Wedding-night sex sucks sometimes. Especially for people who are losing their virginities. I am glad, Mr. Crowder, you enjoyed your loss of virginity, but it is no great loss to your cause to admit that sometimes wedding-night virginity-loss sex sucks. Just like a Muslim can admit that it sucks to fast during Ramadan during the summer! It doesn’t prove the people who were assholes to you right.
2) What do you think happens when people live with each other? I’ve lived with my partners for more than a year now, and it’s far less Live-In Mimboing, whatever that is, and far more Live-In Waking Up Early To Surprise Each Other With Clean Dishes And Stealing Each Other’s Books And Demanding Snuggles When We Are Sad. You do things when you live with someone besides have sex with them.
3) I… suppose it’s nice that Mr. Crowder is slut-shaming guys now? Fuck. This is the wrong kind of equality.