In a recent interview for the New York Times, former Sex and the City star Cynthia Nixon made some comments about her sexuality being a choice. This angered many in the gay community, who believe she is playing into the hands of the Christian right, even though she only said that it was a choice for her and never mentioned anyone else. Quoting from the article she states,
“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate.”
I think she has a point and her comments made a lot of sense to me. Why should we let other people influence how we identify? It doesn’t seem very fair to me, to be honest. Let’s look at this issue of choice (or rather lack of) from a male standpoint. Quickly, what’s the most damaging stereotype thrown at men’s sexuality? I think we all know it’s that we are genetically disposed to hump on command, to always be up for it, that it’s ingrained, hardwired, we can’t help it. Men are rutting animals that will totally abandon all higher brain function when the merest promise of sex is placed on the table. What it really boils down to is we have no choice but to act this way.
Or at least that’s what some people, even prominent feminists who have recently been discussed on this blog and in other places, would have you believe, however well-meaning their intentions may be.
I’ve never found this explanation of male desire to be particularly truthful, but unfortunately it is the dominant way male sexuality has been defended, both historically and in the popular culture. It’s terrible and just as toxic as the belief that women are unlikely to know strong sexual desire at all. Also, after a while, that explanation becomes so all-consuming that in my darker moments I’ve started to wonder if it really is true.
However like many on this blog, both contributors and commenters, I believe gender is complex and hard to pin down, and I would say it’s very much the same thing when dealing with sexuality, as well. I’ve always classed myself as asexual, even though I felt desire, both romantic and sexual, for women. But I didn’t fit the mould of a straight man because the desire wasn’t particularly strong or particularly all-consuming like a normal heterosexual man’s is supposed to be, so I took to classifying myself as ace. Even though I never felt like I fit that mould either, needless to say, there were times when it could get quite frustrating and isolating, this not knowing, this sense of “you’ve got to pick a side.”
I feel like I’m in a better place about it now, though. Like I can go on knowing that the decision about whether I have sex or not is completely up to me. For now I identify as Grey Sexual, because that’s how I feel like identifying right now. I reserve my right to change it as and when I want to.
I just want to say, at this point, that I don’t actually know what causes a person to sexually identify a certain way and if you feel like it wasn’t a choice for you then I absolutely respect that position.
I’ve got to say, I’ve never liked the idea that sexuality was “not a choice” to begin with. I never felt like it was fair to bisexuals – after all, we *could* fall in love and be happy with someone of the opposite sex. If it’s right for a bisexual person to be in a same-sex relationship, the reason can’t be that it’s just biology. For that matter, you can’t say that every instance of love should be acted on. There’s plenty of cases of people who are attracted to each other but absolutely should not be together, because of… Read more »
@Paul Hobson, “Also their paranoia that now the fundies will be able to point at this quote and go “See? SEE?? It’s TOTALLY a choice neener neener” Is stupid. The response to that is obvious. Cynthia Nixon is not a scientific authority. She’s an actress. So what?” Since this idiotic debate about whether homosexuality is a choice began decades ago, scientists have increasingly found homosexual behavior in animals, including the exclusively homosexual, and can induce homosexuality in certain animals via recombinant or genetic knockout experiments. Clearly there’s a strong genetic component either way. We’re not going back to those heady… Read more »
For me regarding sexual choices, I just want to say that far too much energy was wasted in my late high school and college years being utterly terrified to even honestly admit my own heterosexual feelings and attractions just within myself. I was unreasonably terrified that even admitting to myself I had such feelings would get me infected with a STD or get pregnant. Just admitting the feelings and sweating them off on the track, as I later learned to do when it was not appropriate to act out on such feelings, was so much better and consumed much less… Read more »
On the bi issue: Cynthia Nixon is not necessarily bi because she has had both male and female lovers. There are all sorts of other possibilities: — Her sexuality may have changed (i.e. she used to be straight and now she’s gay). — She may have a fluid, but monogamous sexuality (only capable of being attracted to one person at once). — And most noteworthy (to those trying to squeeze her into a gay or bi box): biological sex may not be the driving force behind her sexuality at all. Regarding the last, I’m reminded of a quote by Sandra… Read more »
Anonymousrex:
you’re absolutely right. But if both sides insist on having this debate (and apparently, they do, given the apparent outcry these statements have raised) the proper rejoinder to “Cynthia Nixon says it’s a choice, so there.” is “Cynthia Nixon is not a scientist.”
If she had said “homosexuality is a choice”, it would be one thing- a blanket statement speaking for ALL people who choose to identify as homosexual. But what she ACTUALLY said was that homosexuality was HER choice- that she’s done both “kinds” of relationships, and while she clearly liked both, she felt that one was a better fit for HER. She chose to define her sexuality by the gender identity of the people she likes to get into relationships right now. I like both guys and girls, and plenty of people in between. If I like you, and I like… Read more »
I just wanna pop in and say that Grey Sexual is a fantastic phrase and for someone who has also kinda moved back and forth between bisexuality and asexuailty it’s probably the closest I’ll manage to get to pinning it down for a long time, so thank you!
“Also their paranoia that now the fundies will be able to point at this quote and go “See? SEE?? It’s TOTALLY a choice neener neener” Is stupid. The response to that is obvious. Cynthia Nixon is not a scientific authority. She’s an actress. So what?” No the correct response is that it doesn’t matter whether sexuality is a choice or not. That would only matter if we were working under the assumption that homosexuality was wrong and that we should only tolerate it because “we can’t blame the gays, they were just born that way”. We’re not working under that… Read more »
“Do they think that if incontrovertible proof that it isn’t a choice ever appears the homophobes of the world will just shsrug their shoulders and say “oh well, we tried”? Does race being not a choice stop racists?”
Word.
I wouldn’t because being straight is part of my identity, but if I could retroactivly make it so I became bisexual before that point I’d definitly do it. Not only would it increase the pool of potential partners but it means if there’s any amount of gender based bullshit coming from one gender you’re free to ignore it in favor of the other. “X is the man’s job you say, well then I’ll approach the cute guy in the corner in stead” would be a potent antidote for that kind of thinking
If the world was not homophobic or biphobic and it was all a choice, I would choose to be bisexual, but keep my gender (extremely traditional male) the way it is. I consider this a state of philosophical perfection. I am convinced that it is not and would not be possible for me to do this without brain-manipulation technology.
I read some of the comments by the gay activists and to be honest, they kinda pissed me off. She has a right to frame her own sexuality any way she wants to, if she wants to call it a choice (and isn’t extending that to “and it’s a choice for everybody else”- which she didn’t) then she has every right to. Also their paranoia that now the fundies will be able to point at this quote and go “See? SEE?? It’s TOTALLY a choice neener neener” Is stupid. The response to that is obvious. Cynthia Nixon is not a… Read more »
As a scientist and engineer, I was kind of annoyed by her statement, mainly because it did not leave room for whether or not sexuality will be discovered to be partially ingrained. (and there is evidence that it is at least a little.) There are times when I want to tell certain people (not her) “according to my sensors, you are full of crap”. If it is, one could explain her choice as experimenting until she found the bounds of what fit her, and that it was not a choice that she was able to be attracted both ways at… Read more »
Has anyone seen this?
http://www.queerbychoice.com/
I think people should frame their sexuality any way they/we want to.
Her rationale for not id-ing as bi makes me kind of sad. But you know what? Part of sexual freedom is people being able to make their own decisions as to their identities, sometimes for reasons that are not my personal favorites. As for choice vs. born this way, I really do feel it shouldn’t matter. Part of me does like the orientation argument, if only because I think most straight people are suceptible to the “so when did you decide to become straight?” argument (see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJtjqLUHYoY ). Hell I don’t remember ever deciding to like men only! However, I… Read more »
What I dislike is her statement that she chooses not to identify as bisexual “because bisexuals always get dumped on”. And lesbians don’t? WTF? Thanks for contributing to our erasure.
I feel like sexuality is fluid and a combination of genetics and environmental pressure.
This, even outside the realm of sexuality. It gets down to the whole “free will vs. brains are just sophisticated computers” thing.
I do think that the human sexuality is indeed not as fixed and as monolithic as the most common picture of it would let us believe. If we just look throughout the history of mankind, we see many forms of accepted and also forbidden forms of it, sometimes in its configuration quite different from our own. Were all these people forced, miserable, longing for the natural 21st-century lifestyle? I would hypothesize that our sexuality is formed by many factors and can indeed be changed – not just in expression, but in the very way we feel – through outside pressure… Read more »
I’ve always maintained that “by birth” or “by choice” is a false dichotomy. As if the impact of culture, society, and experience play exactly zero role in sexuality. Like the quote, I also think that it’s bigots who framed the debate to be like this.
It’s also my view that humans are “programmed” to want to reach orgasm but how to reach orgasm is learned. Even vanilla sex is learned. That you can masturbate is learned/discovered.