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Various studies deal with how much time mothers and fathers spend with their children. According to a survey, dads now spend 59 minutes a day with their children. This is four times what it was in 1965; back then it was just 16 minutes a day.
Although the family time for children with their fathers has improved greatly, these figures make it clear: fathers have significantly less time with their children than mothers. Separating fathers are hit the hardest, who are only allowed to see their children on weekends, every few weeks or months and sometimes not at all.
Time & Bonding: How Important is It for Dad and Child to Be Together?
Mothers form the first intimate bond with the unborn child. Even though they don’t even know each other. The child’s attachment to the father is likely to come later, when the baby is able to recognize people who are familiar to him and discovers that the father is a reliable person who recognizes his needs. How important is the time that the father spends with his child? Or is it not about the time at all, but only about the way the father takes care of the child?
Bonding Doesn’t Come From Time – Does It?
Again and again, it is argued that sustainable bonds are not created through time, but through the way in which one fills the available time together with one another. To a certain extent, we can agree to this, since shared experiences connect people. But the fact is that if you don’t have much time together, you can only do a few things together and many activities are not possible with a limited time window.
Whether fathers only spend time with their children on weekends or only by the hour plays a role when it comes to the father-child relationship.
How Much Time Do Fathers and Children Need Together?
Separating fathers who are in a dispute with the child’s mother may be aware of time limits due to a custody dispute. Recommendations are often made as part of a family report that, for example
- more than 2 hours per week are not reasonable for the child.
- 3 hours per month of contact between father and child are sufficient.
- Contacts should only take place every 3 months because more contact with the father would be a burden for the child.
But can contact time between fathers and children really be severely curtailed and restricted if a father wants to look after his offspring lovingly and with commitment? Can such tight time windows really maintain or create elementary bonds between father and child? How much participation in the life of one’s own child is actually possible? What can dads do with their children in such time windows? How can fathers convey values to their offspring in such a few contact hours and actually get involved in education?
The quality of the bond structure also depends on the time they spend together. Although this certainly cannot be fixed at 2, 10, 30 or 100 hours a month, common sense only allows one thing to be known: children also need contact with their dad – as much as possible.
How Should Fathers Spend Time With Their Children?
The quality of the bond between father and child is not only determined by the shared time window. It is important how both spend their time together as a family. So, it’s not enough for the father to be with the family for several hours a day or just take care of the child’s basic needs. Children and fathers need quality time together, because this is very important for the relationship with each other. Time in which both play, paint, do handicrafts and paper plate crafts together or explore other crafts for kids.
Shared experiences, creating something together, laughing together, cuddling – that’s what makes children happy and content and makes papa a good father. Under no circumstances do fathers always have to arrange an action-packed program with the kids, but there are numerous opportunities in everyday life that also bond parents and children.
This also includes, for example
- preparing the meal together
- eating together, where the family sits at the table and talks
- doing household chores together (e.g., tidying up, dusting, cleaning shoes)
- do homework together
- renovate the children’s room as a team
Common Everyday Experiences Are Important
A core problem, which arises in connection with few contacts – and thus often in separated families – is often not taken into account. If fathers only spend a little time with their children, this quickly results in an unnatural behavior that can be detrimental to the child’s development and can also drive children into strong conflicts of loyalty.
If fathers only have contact for a few hours per week or per month, there is no living together in everyday life. Special activities are often planned during visits. Affected fathers plan a visit to the amusement park, take the kids to the go-kart track, visit the zoo or something similar. The child enjoys this quality time and experiences his father differently than in normal everyday life, where conflicts are just as much a part as boredom or discussions about homework.
Depending on the situation, the father may be idealized and the mother devalued. Because while dad always starts a cool program during the rounds and there are almost never any conflicts, mom is “the bad guy” because she demands that the child tidy up his room, do his homework or she refuses a big wish because there is no money or, as a single mother, she does not have time to go to the amusement park with her child every day. There is therefore a shifted perception of mother and father, which can certainly lead to attachment disorders in adulthood. The parent-child relationship also thrives on a healthy balance between paternal and maternal influence.
Separating fathers, in particular, can argue with the child’s mother that better handling is not aimed at alienating the child from the mother, but that everyday experiences with the father are important for a balanced upbringing of the child and also positive for the mother-child relationship.
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