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Being a stepdad is one of the hardest things you have ever done. I know one of the challenges you are probably experiencing is feeling disrespected by your stepkids. Being disrespected causes you a lot of frustration and may even be driving a wedge between you and your partner. Also if it’s hard to accept, you may need to make a few changes in your behavior, if you want the kind of respect you think you deserve. I have a few suggestions for you to consider if you’re going to earn more respect from your stepkids. Pick something to work on every month until you morph into a stepdad your stepkids love to respect!
Demonstrate Self-Respect
My first suggestion is for you to demonstrate self-respect. By showing self-respect, you can indirectly teach your stepkids how to treat you. Examples of demonstrating self-respect are kind when others are hostile, being courteous to those who are rude, refraining from condescending others, never consider yourself a victim, always striving for personal improvement, and keeping yourself physically fit. While there may be circumstances which require modifications to your behavior, following those general codes of conduct will mark you as a true gentleman who commands the respect of your stepchildren.
Communicate Clearly
Most kids need straightforward communication to process information, so speak with conviction when you have something important to say. If you talk with confidence, your stepkids will believe you are a person of principle. If you come across as wishy-washy, you will seem spineless and less reliable. Another way to communicate is by using positive body language. Listeners perceive positive body language as an investment in what they are saying. Uncross your arms and lean forward when your stepkids are speaking to you. Keep your hands relaxed and nod your head to show that you are listening to your stepkids. Positive body language should be one of your strategies for building a successful, lasting relationship with your stepkids. When your stepkids are feeling frustrated, show genuine concern by repeating what they have said to you and asking if you understand them correctly. Always tell them you are going to think about what they said and that you appreciate them for communicating with you.
Be Assertive, but not overbearing.
As an adult role model in your stepkid’s life, you might occasionally see fit to give them redirection when they lapse in good judgment. Redirecting can be done effectively without you losing your cool, being accusatory, or dishing out punishment. The best way to redirect your stepkids is to be open and straightforward about what you want them to know. When you want your stepkids to listen to you, first make eye contact and then speak calmly and matter-of-factly. Don’t expect them to adhere to your requests unless you have worked your way into their heart. But, assertive, open communication should always replace overbearing, controlling, authoritarian step parenting.
Set Clear Enforceable Boundaries
You could be making your life harder because you have not taken the time to make your expectations known. You may believe that your stepkids should instinctively know how to show you respect, but if you have not set up some boundaries, they may misunderstand what respect looks like to you. Make sure whatever boundaries you have are principled and straightforward. Overcomplicating things will make your stepkids confused. I would also suggest that your boundaries have more to do with what YOU will and will not do rather than what your stepkids can and cannot do. You don’t have control over what they do, so it is best not to try to pretend as you do. Hopefully, you are taking your stepkids out and spending time with them. Probably, you are performing random acts of kindness regularly. If you are, you have leveraging tools at your disposal. There is nothing wrong with choosing not to take your stepkid to the movies on Saturday because they acted disrespectfully.
Show leadership
Although it is not a good idea for you to assume the role of the disciplinarian for your stepkids, you should still be a leader in their life. Leadership doesn’t mean that your stepkid follows your dictatorial rule. Leadership looks a lot more like confidence, reliability, and initiative. Everyone respects a leader. Confidence comes from being secure. Every man who is secure emanates confidence. If you have insecurity issues, you will never get the respect you deserve. There are plenty of men who are less attractive, less wealthy, less healthy, and less competent than you who do have confidence, so don’t sell yourself short. As far as reliability, I have written this many times: Do what you say you will do, and be where you say you will be. It’s that easy. Don’t over promise anything, because you will only leave disappointed stepkids in your wake. Demonstrating initiative is probably the most important trait you will need to cultivate a leadership role in the home and gain the respect of your stepkids. If you don’t already, start doing things without being asked. If you are the kind of man who shirks sharing household responsibilities until your wife nags you to help, you are not a leader, and you are losing an opportunity to gain respect from your stepkids.
Summary
Feeling respected is a natural need. If your stepkids are not respecting you, there may be some things you can change about yourself that can help. Earning respect requires time. That statement is especially true when it comes to your stepkids respecting you. You can demand more respect by showing respect for yourself, being an excellent communicator, being assertive, setting boundaries, and being a leader in the home. With time and concentrated effort, you can make a big difference in the life of your stepkids. They need an excellent stepdad, whether they realize it or not.
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Previously published here and reprinted with the author’s permission.
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