I always took comfort in the fact that one day,
one day soon he would be eighteen and able
to make his own choices.
Man enough to handle truths, from my perspective
with or without agreement, but at least free enough
from the grip of a bitter lie filled divorce and the constant
chaos of never knowing a home that was stable… for long.
I always took comfort in the fact that I would be
free enough then from the bitterness, the anger at
his mother who would not allow me to provide that
stability for him and his brother.
She, who — too tainted from sickness, anger and selfishness
kept them away from me after the smoke cleared as a punishment
to me and to poison them with the lies that covered what really happened.
I took comfort in these things.
In the hope we would be reunited when he was of age.
I called him son.
Two weeks ago today at age seventeen he died.
He won’t ever be eighteen. Noone bothered to tell me.
I found out on Facebook.
The final blow, a one car rollover to eternity.
So I say to you… don’t wait to find family or love.
Seize the moment and don’t be afraid like I was.
It is right there within reach.
Unconditional and without a mark.
There is too much loss in this world not to.
If for one fleeting second, you think I am speaking to you,
For Alec – I love you and I am sorry.
Beware The Angry Spinning Suns
Watching the bright spinning suns that indicate
extreme heat and drought nationwide
on the news weather map, he giggles and asks,
“what are those things Daddy Jack?”
Lessons in ecology and meteorology sometimes come so simply.
They emanate from big beautiful brown eyes.
Innocent eyes that have seen too much,
and want answers. Eyes that beg to relax during sleep.
He has my eyes.
I explain Mother Nature is pissed off.
She likes her temperature regulated.
It’s a delicate balance.
She chokes on our smoke and toxins
cycling from ground to air to ground and sea.
She feels she has lost control.
She despises the dinosaur blood fuel
that makes everything go faster, faster
killing the fishes and the seas.
Or that those people vacationing in Hawaii
dont enjoy the beach as much
because of juice boxes, and water bottles
that go twice around the world in line
to end up where surfers, whales and boats used to play.
She is so angry we have
started tearing down the walls
between heaven and earth
that sometimes she lowers them
and sends down angry spinning suns
that alert us from tv to beware.
He laughs and says Daddy Jack,
that is silly, you made that up.
He has my eyes and I want them back.
He smiles and says,”for a juice box
before supper” I can have them.
I know that is silly, and that he made that up.