Clearly, our society is currently obsessed with modern men and manliness, why?
By now, most of you have read or heard about The New York Times “Room for Debate” opinion page section that debated this question: Are Modern Men Manly Enough? The synopsis for their debate reads: “Are men spending too much time at the spa and the gym in lieu of grittier, manlier pursuits? And if so, is this making them less masculine?”
Writer Natasha Scripture weighs in with her piece: “Where are the Meat and Potato Men?” and Joel Stein has his say in his article, “Rediscover the Don Draper Within”. Natasha says she hasn’t met a manly man in some time, while Joel feels most modern men couldn’t fix a kitchen sink. There are six other writers who opine on the subject of 21st century manliness; in my opinion, author Shawn Taylor won the debate. Brilliant piece, Shawn!
To The New York Times writers and any other person who thinks modern men are not manly, I offer you this distinguished group of bona fide manly men: Aron Ralston, Pat Tillman (and every other man who has served – or is currently serving – in the United States Armed Forces), Man vs. Wild’s Bear Grylls, The cast of Deadliest Catch, the cast of Ice Road Truckers, every healthcare worker affiliated with Doctors Without Boarders, etc.
I could continue giving more examples of men who work in the trades or agriculture, but I’d also like to pay tribute to every chivalrous man who lives his life with integrity and humility. These men can be found everywhere – all over the world. They could be engineers, hairstylists, chefs, school teachers, musicians, nurses, etc. I don’t believe an occupation or a geographic location makes a man manly. Manliness does not have to connote power, strength, boldness, courage, fierceness or ruggedness. Every man is his own man and possesses his own brand of masculinity. I believe manliness comes from a man’s grace and his character; it’s in his soul.
Yes, there has been a superfluous amount of attention placed on 21st century men being “metrosexual” and overly feminized. And yes, companies in the fashion and beauty industries are marketing products for men – so what! I love seeing my husband look dapper and coiffed, the same way he enjoys seeing me styled with purpose. Being “mansome” does not make a man less of a man. All men take pleasure in being groomed and pampered – within their comfort zone.
We can thank the industrial revolution and advances in science and technology for soothing our primitive pursuits. Joel Stein, here’s a question for you: why would a man hunt for meat when he can go to the grocery store and buy a nice Delmonico steak? Furthermore, when was the last time you’ve been hunting? To be fair, Joel, I doubt you’d leave your journalism career to pursue cattle ranching. And here’s a fact for you, Natasha Scripture: men cry; yes, they actually shed tears. Deal with it, Natasha. It’s a beautiful thing.
Are modern men manly enough? I think that’s a ridiculous question. Interestingly enough, The New York Times would never debate this question on their opinion page: Are modern women womanly enough? Wow, can you imagine that! Feminists would crash The New York Times website. I hate to iron and I don’t know how to sew or bake apple pies. Does that make me less womanly? I don’t think so. Moreover, I know plenty of men who enjoy ironing and cooking. Does that make them less manly? Absolutely not!
Clearly, our society is currently obsessed with modern men and manliness, why? What do you think accounts for this scrutiny? Why is the evolution of a man’s gender identity being placed under a microscope?
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For some reason society (the western liberal democracy) is obsessed with putting things into little, clearly-defines boxes: gay/straight, black/white, man/woman… Suddenly when women break out of the traditional gender-role, men can’t define themselves in opposition to women and femininity. So now we’re afraid that men aren’t real men, which apparently makes them feminine. And as everybody knows, femininity is the root to all evil. Our society still prefers “masculine” traits (boldness, bravery, aggressiveness, growth, domination etc) over “feminine” traits (caring, stability, empathy, conversation etc), which for some reason connotes bureaucracy and socialism (why are americans so afraid of socialism??).
I may get French-bashed for this but I do think that French men have a better grasp of what it means to be a man because, in fact, they are not afraid to indulge their “feminine” sides. Gay AND Straight men wear bright colours and sip champagne and join choirs and buy lingerie for their ladies without blushing. And do the dishes and stride proudly down the street with a Baby Bjorn. And discuss opera and read 19th century novels on the metro on the way to work. And, at the same time, go to the gym and play soccer… Read more »
I’ve heard American talk about their vacation in Italy or Brazil. They talk about how the men there were so flirtatious and charming They talk about how loved the aggressively Italian/Brazilian men court women that make them feel oh so desired. Strange men on the street wouldnt shy away from giving compliments that made her blush, along the lines of “Ciao Bella, nice legs” etc. Then they bemoan how American men arent like that and dont know how to charm women. Funnily, these same women wouldn’t take any of that from an American man in an American setting. They would… Read more »
I’ve heard American talk about their vacation in Italy or Brazil. They talk about how the men there were so flirtatious and charming They talk about how aggressively Italian/Brazilian men court women that make them feel so desired. Strange men on the street wouldnt shy away from giving compliments that made them blush, along the lines of “Ciao Bella, nice legs” etc. Then they bemoan how American men arent like that, are boring and dont know how to charm women. Funnily, these same women wouldn’t take any of that behavior from an American man in an American setting. They would… Read more »
Being a Brazilian, it is NOT that well received when random men on the streets just give out compliments like that. Of course, that is also an extremely different setting. Most Brazilian men know they should not go after women too hotter than themselves; Brazilian women are not blind and want someone that puts as much effort as them into their looks; Brazilian men are not entitled in that aspect. No older or ugly guy will feel entitled to just go and try something with the hot girl – and after that still COMPLAIN about the inevitable rejection. Most BR… Read more »
Love it, Jacqueline.
A lot of macho Americans go for cheap laffs by dissing the French. Never mind that the French “saved our asses” at Yorktown and valiantly resisted the Germans in the bloodbath at Verdun while the US bided its time, disarmed and safe behind two oceans.
If you like freedom, I always say thank a Frenchman, and a Russian, too.
I think that we saw the metrosexual craze of the last several years (along with the idea that if you where a more ‘rugged” type you where in the wrong or there wasn’t a place for you at the table) and now the pendulum has swung back the other way. There is just the natural blowback after all the articles about metro sexuality. Rugged, tough guys have come back into fashion (I also think the uncertainty of the current world events [econemy crash, ect] has something to do with it, so now the “manly man” is popular)
It’s not.
In fact, less developed countries are often more obsessed with masculinity. You’ve just taken things out of a worldly context.
A real man is one who has the courage to be himself and stand up for what he believes in: even if that happens to be something that isn’t considered traditionally “manly”.
Really at the end of the day men don’t care about what this vain, vapid, nihilistic culture has to say about them, it’s what the messages this culture transmits and imprints on us while we’re young and developing that’s the problem.
Some of us are more subject to caring about this than others. But yeah most guys I know ran out of fawks to give a long time ago. They just keep being the men the other half of the world needs, instead of the ones the other half of the world wants. And the world keeps turning.
Men are now being subjected to the same scrutiny and control that has characterized women’s lives, and I take it this is not a pleasant experience for a lot of people. The pot is being stirred in our era, and change is difficult. We are in the middle of figuring out which characteristics to keep, which characteristics to drop, and which ones to adopt. Society has a habit of trying to establish singular definitions of what demographic groups ought to be, but those of us who browse this website know better. There is no singular definition of what a man… Read more »
“Men are now being subjected to the same scrutiny and control that has characterized women’s lives, and I take it this is not a pleasant experience for a lot of people.”
I was under the impression that the goal was to end that alleged scrutiny of women, not to inflict it upon men. The whole “women have had to endure it for XXX length of time” response does’t really work, unless your willing to admit that payback, rather than equality, is the end goal.
I don’t think you read past the first line.
Why? Because I didn’t come to a conclusion or interpretation you wanted me to, it must be a failing on my part? I notice you haven’t tried to correct anything, instead simply dismissing my interpretation out of hand. Is payback the solution your aiming for, or is subjecting men to these issues a bad direction to take?
Men are now being subjected to the same scrutiny and control that has characterized women’s lives. Are we talking about Western Women in free societies? If so I’d like to pull up a chair eat some popcorn and talk about what exactly that is. Maybe it’s just all the women that I’ve known that do whatever it is they want to do. Now when we want a partner we can’t EVER do exactly what it is we want to do and expect all to be okay. Men want certain things in their partners and so do women. The ones who… Read more »
I also get the feeling that many of the male writers on GMP are trying to protect women from the so called ‘chauvinist douche bags’. I find this very belittling as if women cannot make their own decisions regarding sex and cant own up their preferences.
Part of a man’s role can be to protect women. If as feminists claim, there’s a rape culture (I think this is too strong,) then they may need protection sometimes. I think men can be involved in intervening with abusive men, sometimes as protection.
What defines a good man is only for MEN to decide. Nowhere else does one group define its opposite or even another group. So as men we define who we are. Always have and always should. If we don’t then we will soon seek to take on behaviors native to those who produce more estrogen than us. This is not how we are designed, and it may be of profit to a subsection of the feminist mission but detrimental to a humanity who will always want men who strive to be leaders, warriors, explorers, pioneers, adventurers (etc.) ( i know… Read more »
Being a child of the 50s and 60s I have seen the construction of masculine ideals change over the decades and I would say that even the media image of ‘manliness’ is so less restrictive than the WASP inspired ideals we had to live up to in the 50s. The most masculine men cry unembarrassedly now and admit to having ‘feelings.’ Only those who grew up under the 1950s hegemony of what was right and ‘normal’ can truly see the progrses that has been achieved. Just ignore the 2 bi-annual NY Times articles that appear – either “Why today’s man… Read more »
it’s about gettin’ good head, with their hands holding your weights.
I actually learned, I think, not to have sex with women I didn’t respect, or like, or trust, or whatever. Borderline personalities can be very sexy, but it’s not a good idea. My advice to women is not to go too alpha, particular if the man is stupid. Two of my students were severely beaten by guys like that.
Hank Vandenburgh
You must be a male feminist feeling ‘deserted’ by Raquel’s comment.
At least it shatters the myth being propagated by feminists that men need to become feminists in order to be sexually desirable to women, and the reason men fail to get sex is that they look at them as sex objects rather than as human beings
Actually, I’m a vet, weigh about 200, and have a number of martial arts belts. I’ve had probably an embarrassing number of sex partners. I’m certainly not a knee-jerk feminist, but I do favor economic and legal equality for women. I’m against PC and most feminist attempts to change culture. So, I’m pretty hunky, but not a flaming asshole, like some, maybe even you. I think the fact that some women often prefer assholes is similar to men sometimes preferring women who’r borderline (and quite dangerous – you can get stalked, or worse.) Or liking women with grotesque boob jobs,… Read more »
How about posting my riposte to silly-boy here?
GMP certainly is. I don’t know about the rest of the culture. Haven’t heard it discussed recently, even on the night us guys go out to dinner when our wives are at the book club.
Not my kids and their spouses, or their friends….
Maybe a real man is one for whom the question does not arise.
I think women’s sexual preferences don’t have to align with their gender politics.
I can be a feminist and still prefer to have sexual relationships with men who can be described as highly masculine…both in appearance and personality wise. We cannot help what we are attracted to and I dont think anyone should shame us.
I think women’s sexual preferences don’t have to align with their gender politics. I can be a feminist and still prefer to have sexual relationships with men who can be described as highly masculine…both in appearance and personality wise. We cannot help what we are attracted to and I dont think anyone should shame us. As a feminist, I encourage men to get in touch with their feminine side, lose their masculine ideals, encourage men to become feminists, engage with women on an equal level as humans rather than as potential sex partners, practice good consent and not to aggressively… Read more »
@Raquel
You’re have every right to your preferences and no, they don’t have to align with your politics. I don’t think you should be shamed for that, either. Unless I’m missing something, you respect men you won’t be sexual with and you’ll be sexual with men you don’t respect. Same contrasting feelings men sometimes face.
There’s a pithy name for that which has some pop culture referent. What is it now?
Sounds to me like she can’t respect a man and still be sexual with him. Maybe she’s got the modern-day feminine version of the madonna whore complex. Turnabout is fair play, I suppose.
Guys, don’t feel bad. I’m a girl and I’m confused too.
I think it is a contradiction, one you articulated quite well. If men do what you encourage them to do politically: get in touch with their feminine side, lose their masculine ideals, become feminists, engage with women on an equal level as humans rather than as potential sex partners, practice good consent and not to aggressively purse sex, it basically equals never getting laid, being alone being rejected by women. Maybe not all women but a lot of women, women who feel the same way you do. A man that likes you at least should not listen to your political… Read more »
Berish
All I can say is that you are not entitled to sex. But you must be a good human being and believe in true equality for women. This shouldnt be an option.
Neither are you, “entitled to sex”. I never said I was “entitled to sex”. I am critiquing our largely socially created ideals of what is attractive in America, its been heavily influenced by Hollywood and Capitalism in general. Not every culture values arrogant cocky and selfish in men as much as ours does. That’s a really long story for another time though. I said isn’t it odd the way you encourage men to be is the opposite of what you are attracted to in men and to not expect men to change just as long as women like men who… Read more »
Why do you need to be attractive to the ‘opposite sex’ ? Why dont you concern yourself with being attractive to one woman? Make some effort to win one woman’s heart, show that you care for her, and have a relationship with her. Seriously, that is all the ‘success with women’ you need. This is what feminism encourages men to do. Feminism discourages them from following ideals of masculinity and a standard of sexuality that most men can never attain. You want to have what only ought to be for a lucky few and then complain as if you’re being… Read more »
I think you miss the point Raquel which is that the message of modern women to men (and this one man in particular) is that they should be more sensitive, politically aware and treat them as equals. But the BEHAVIOR of women, is to treat these self-aware sensitive men as people they don’t want to date or have sex with. Or maybe you are just being a woman and shit-testing him here, seeing if he’s clever enough to see through the BS that you spout about all the success with women you need is to care for her, etc.
I couldn’t pick from any of these answers, thought the closest that would come to my reasoning would be both men and women are confused. But my belief is that there is a war waging over who defines masculinity and how. There are attempts to control men through the definition of masculinity, to socially engineer them, such as with assertions that masculinity is homophobic and oppressive to women. These definitions serve to push an agenda of demasculinizing men, making them less assertive, more malleable (by leaving them confused of their identify). The problem is, these efforts go against the realities… Read more »
I think I am obessed with this question myself. I think it’s because I hunger for truly good, honorable men. While there are many men out there like that, sometimes they are hard to find and to see. And since so much media seems to play up the seeder aspects of male behavior, the hunger to define what makes up a manly man or good man, is even more apparent. For me personally at least. Nicole said: “Are modern men manly enough? I think that’s a ridiculous question. Interestingly enough, The New York Times would never debate this question on… Read more »
Whats your definition of truly good and honorable men? And why you think they are hard to find and see? Do you think majority of men are not good and honorable?
Hot, successful guys who are good and honorable (read: willing to be monogamous with her)
Tim, I don’t think hot and successful are the definition of good person, at least for me. I’m a young guy, but I see good and honorable men everywhere. Actually every time I go out , I cannot count on my both hands how many good men I found, because its so many. Who are they? Many of my friends, who are good friend. Many of them who are shy and nice guys, and really nice guys. They are not feminist definition of nice guys, who according to them are men acting nice to get into women’s pants. They are… Read more »
John/Tim,
I spent years in military with good, honorable (and some not-so-honorable men). Guess what? Most of them were not ‘successful’ in terms of great wealth or ‘hot’ in terms of metrosexuality. But I trusted my life with them and they trusted their lives with me. We shared stories, laughter, grit, fear, tears, blood, piss, and more importantly we broke-bread together. I would have married them all, if that were legal.
Beauty, attraction, good, and honorable is in the eye of the beholder.
I guess like you don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to find good and honorable men, I don’t really understand why it’s so easy for you to find good and honorable men. You gave some examples, but for me, some of your examples don’t neccesarily point to a person’s goodness. But they do for you and that’s what should matter to you. For me, I think good men are hard to come by. Tim, I think your comment was unfair and you’ve made persumptions about me without really knowing me. I’ve dated all income levels and different looks… Read more »
And what is good woman for you Erin? Do you think its hard to find good woman as well as you find its hard to find a good man? And all your qualities you describe, I’m sure many of good men I found have those qualities. Some of them maybe lacking in one qualities, but have other qualities. But I still found them as a good man. For example is my father. My father is very generous man who live with integrity and honor. He don’t want to receive any money who is not his. And he treats all people,… Read more »
John – while I understand your desire to question my views on women in comparison to my views on men, I actually don’t think that really gets us anywhere. If I share my view of women, depending on what my view of women is, it will either validate or discredit for you my view on men. And I simply think that’s the wrong way to look at it. Often in these discussions, it seems that people don’t feel like you can’t talk about one gender without mentioning the other in relation to the same topic. Unfortunetly, for me, this clouds… Read more »
Erin
I think knowing your view of what a REAL WOMAN should be like, is important to assess whether or not you hold men and women to the same standards.
Every man who reads your comments on this thread will get the feeling that you hold men to much harsher standards of ‘goodness’ than you do women.
I don’t think you are going to love what I have to say but it’s true to what I believe. In relation to this topic, it doesn’t much matter what ideas of “goodness” apply to women. Because women are not the subject of *this* discussion. There is most certainly a time and place to talk about the goodness of women, but it is not in relation to this article. If you and other men believe I am holding men to a harsher standard of “goodness” then women, that is because of what you have actualized in your own head based… Read more »
John,
I think a good woman is one who can bring the goodness out in others, and an honorable woman can bring the honor out in others. The same thing applies to men.
And sorry for many wrong grammar. Need to work on my english
She is referring to good men she finds attractive and who’d be willing to have relationships with her on terms she is ok with.
I think women should realize that when they say “where have all the good/nice men gone” its a bit misleading to men.
Keith, I don’t only think of men in terms of who I am attracted to. Beside that, I can have some unique taste in men actually. For me it’s not always about social standards of physical appeal in men. Actually, someone I was very close and attracted to was very far from the stereotypical standard of what we call an attractive man in pop media. I have had men that wanted to use me for short term sex, they didn’t have the same relationships goal as me and they disrespected me in many cases and I didn’t really think they… Read more »
There’s a significant chance that women who experience an inability to find “good men” are terrified of finding them in places that feminist women loathe – like churches.
Despite the prolifery of malignant statements about “religious fanatics” and their supposed misogyny, Christian churches are actually in the “business” of molding good people- men included.
Why is the evolution of a man’s gender identity being placed under a microscope?
Because it is being tampered with and has been being tampered with for a number of decades. Now it is reaching all new heights.
@Chris Anthony … yes, the male species is a new play thing. That which modern society can try to shape and mold. I wish I knew one man, including myself, that fits one particular mold. A mold that modern society wants to somehow neatly package and say “This is a man.” For the past 40 years, society appears to have settled on what or who a woman is or should be and now they want to mess with men in the same way. For example, it’s clear that modern society has pushed aside the so called “home maker” or “stay… Read more »
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Hello all, I haven’t posted in a while ….. Society is obsessed with men simply because modern society wants to either change who men are or pigeon hole them so that they can continue to box them into a corner. Damned if ya do and damned if ya don’t. It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do. Sad thing is that in 2012, society is even questioning who men are. You’ll be hard pressed to meet a man who wears a $1200 suite using a chain saw. Then again you’ll be hard pressed to meet mechanic that owns a… Read more »
” Society is bothered by men simply because men are far more complex then thought. Men were and continue to be stereotyped. Now that men are showing that they are more than one dimensional ” This, people especially women only seen men as simple minded creatures and one dimensional. So men who watch porn = pervert ( women who watch porn = open minded ) , men who goes to gym = brainless meat head ( women who goes to gym = sporty ) , men who shave their chest = insecure and effeminate . Men are complex. We can… Read more »
I support everything you commented.
John, a perfect reply. Well said.
I see two reasons why its such an issue these days: Feminism & Post- Industrialism have denigrated traditional male roles & qualities.- I think many humans are hardwired as to what they enjoy & are attracted to, despite all the gender studies psychobabble. The 80’s and 90’s produced SNAG’s but the theory didn’t match reality, and they weren’t the ideal partner to the assertive corporate powerfrau feminist. Feminists (and now society) want the best of both worlds, and expect men to not be competitive, focused or confident, yet the expect them to talk and listen for hours on emotional &… Read more »
My wife once said to me, “I can waste your time but you can’t waste my time.” At least that’s what I think she said; I wasn’t really listening. (LOL.) (The first and last time I will ever use that abbreviation.) My wife, who I knew I would marry the first time I saw her, says that I don’t listen to her every word. How can I not? She’s always screaming. Kidding. Hon’, I do listen to every word . . . and can recite large portions of it verbatim . . . it’s just that, after a particularly horrific… Read more »
(I know this is not a discussion about women, nor do I want to take away from men) The feminist ideal doesn’t apply to all women either. Women are complex too and many cannot live up to the gold-standard of super-mom, corporate exec, super model, marathon runner, or whatever idealistic perfect-type I’m supposed to be. (which I’m not). Women are opting out. Good women too. The ones that don’t want to get hurt or hurt anyone. The women who don’t want to be treated like a friend with benefits or some porn star, who haven’t slept with 700 men just… Read more »
Haven’t been to this thread in a while. I think being a man means having character. Not the character others want us to have, but the one that we derive. I read on another thread that women were too “other directed” (mine and David Riesman’s term.) They used another term. So, at best, we’re inner directed– a good thing, particularly if everything is going to hell.
Or being dependable.
Hank, women are ‘other directed’ or as my brother says ‘girls are too much on the outside’. It’s part of our nature, women are relationship or people-oriented. No matter how much we try to be inner-directed like men, we can’t. I gave up years ago trying to ‘act more like a man’. After 8 years in the military, combat and in a male-dominated field, I realized men and women have some fundamental differences, that no amount of spec ops training is going to change.
Hi Joanie, I usually argue for biological positions here, and I do think that there are some biological differences, although there’s a great deal of overlap. But I remember women from my young adulthood (after my six years in the Army 65-68 [we had very few WACs at that time]) as being pretty inner-directed too, at least the ones I was attracted to. My current wife never lets other people tell her what to do, and my first wife and most of my girlfriends were the same way. I don’t know if this is just an artifact of the late… Read more »
Hank, I remember the 1970s return to ‘traditional’ stuff…I was bit young, but I do remember. That was during the Mrs. Robinson Era. 🙂 Then 1980s everything took a different turn.
I’ve pulled up my bootstraps on my own my entire life and am inner-directed for the most part. I certainly won’t let ‘just anyone’ tell me what to do. But I notice that other-directed quality has always been under the surface.
As I age, I appreciate that quality now, because it serves to build relationships.
Hank – by the way. Happy Belated Veteran’s Day. Thank you for your service and my salute to you.
Happy Veterans Day to you Joanie. Thank you for your service as well.
Wow… the Times is really starting to show its social stagnation. This isn’t the first time they have published such myopic pieces about gender, especially masculinity, either. I’m glad we have this site to talk through some of these issues.
Shall we counter with a little positivity? Give a relative or a guy friend a hug and let him know that he’s just right, like baby bear’s porridge.
Men don’t like to be viewed as a luke-warm, droopy goo. Use words like handsome, and mean it, or don’t say cute belittling things like that at all. We are men, not toddlers.
Google Image search “Friend Zone Fiona”. That is how “good men” feel about being called “just right, like baby bear’s porridge.”
You can’t have it both ways, you know.
If you want the emotional support and concern about your delicate feelings the ladies enjoy, expect to endure the Infantilization that goes with it!
Ah. The eye for an eye routine. The fact women don’t like the infantilization ether doesn’t matter, right? The idea that men could get the concern and women could lose the infantilization, that couldn’t possibly be an option?
on top of that, somehow a comment i posted on another silly article got posted here…. Wonderful.
As the writer of this piece on sexual polarity, and gender roles, (https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/me-jane-you-tarzan-the-politics-of-sexual-polarity/) and the highly debated A Call to the Sacred Masculine, it’s clear to me that men and women are confused. (my vote).
ok….
I always wonder why most women ( and some men ) consider men who likes to lift weights ( or going to gym ) as brainless meathead . Just because i like to lift weights , like being strong, like being jacked, doesn’t mean I’m stupid or I don’t have social life outside the gym. I’m smart, have a job, have circle of friends and activities outside the gym but i still like to lift heavy weights, squat and deadlifting 4 times a week . And we lift weights not because we thought girls like muscle. LOL, its the most… Read more »
Right on, brother. Lifting weights is one of the most honest things in the world you can do. A barbell with four 45-lb. plates on it never lies. There’s nothing wrong with having more than “mouse-clicking” strength; but then again, the only time I really need strength is . . . in the gym. Remember the days when being a “97-lb. weakling” was frowned upon or something like that? as being non-desirable? Nowadays those are the guys making six figures in computer-related jobs. My friend–as old as me, 52–jokes that we’re the last of the poet-warriors in the Western world.… Read more »
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I just want to point out that whatever else a “real man” may or may not do, he definitely does not apologize for being himself or worry about adhering to others’ standards.