2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to
I’ve been telling myself to breathe a lot lately. Too much, if you ask me. It sounds stupid, but this song helps me relax a bit. When I’m feeling anxious, or stressed or if my brain is on overdrive and I can’t slow it down, I can close my eyes, listen to this and feel a bit better.
The first three verses have no real significance to me, but I can totally relate to the last verse and the chorus is relaxing. Plus, if you watch the video, there are a few shots with just a peek of cleavage. And once where you almost kinda see down her shirt. That’s just a bonus, though. If you’re into that.
But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
You know what? I don’t mind jumping the track from time to time. I’m OK with being out of the mainstream. I don’t fit the mold of a typical “Dad Blogger”, but I don’t care. I do my thing and hope people enjoy it. If not, I wish you luck elsewhere. I know I’m a bit unconventional. I
often occasionally cross lines. I will admit it. Lines have been breached.
I relate very well to the lyrics at the top of the page. Right now it’s 1:43 AM and here I am writing. It’s not a song, but it’s what I write. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s what these blog posts really are. Just like a songwriter writes songs about what they know, I too write about what makes me happy and what makes me blue. [Is that last sentence a bit too dramatic? If so, my sincere apologies.]
When I started this post it was just going to be a draft. I was going to put the lyrics on here, then come back to it in a day or two. But I didn’t. I decided to write down a couple of thoughts, but it turned into more than that. Once I started writing, I kept going. And I’m gonna keep going until I say everything I want to say. I’m sure it’s painfully obvious from the past few month’s blog posts that I’ve gone through a temporary phase where I really don’t want to write.
Tonight I feel like I do want to write and I’m gonna go with that feeling and see if I can’t put some lipstick on this pig. [I’m not sure why I said that, it just seemed like it fit.] Holy crap I write some random stuff. Wow. Back to the post…
Actually it’s more of a fear. I really think it’s a fear of success. I do. I think I’m afraid that I will be successful and that something good will happen. How absolutely fucked up is that? It’s not that I don’t want to be successful, because I do. I can’t explain it other than to say that I’m 1000% sure it’s fueled by an extreme lack of confidence to do pretty much anything successfully.
But tonight I want to write, so I’m gonna keep going until I drop. I haven’t been able to get a lot of sleep lately. I try, but for some reason, I just can’t fall asleep until 3:30 or 4. I’ve been stuck 1,000 words in to chapter 12 in my book and I promised the agent that he would have the whole thing on Tuesday. As in today.
Obviously that’s not going to happen, but I complete 12 on Sunday night, then edited it Monday morning and kept writing til I had 13 written and edited around 11 PM. The agent now has them in his inbox. Fingers crossed. I wrote the majority of this post on Saturday, very early AM Oct 29, in case you were wondering. That only puts me with 6-8 chapters to go, which I can bang out in a couple of weeks if I can get myself on a kick. Tonight is a good sign. I’ve got my fingers crossed.
And breathe… just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe
I guess now is as good a time as any to answer the obvious question. “Why do you have to breathe, J.R.?” Well, to be quite frank, I’m having some neurological problems that are flaring up and I have a tumor in my left ear that I’m about ready to take out with a damn pair of tweezers. But I wont. I promise.
First off, it’s not cancer, so chill. I’ve known about it for four or five years, but they didn’t take it out because it was so small. And because it’s on a nerve between my ear and brain. And if they take it out, I could permanently lose the hearing in that ear.
The last 2-3 months, the hearing in that ear has gotten significantly worse. To the point that if I’m sleeping on my right side in the morning, I often don’t hear my alarm go off. I feel like I’m 80 or something. Add to that a significant change in my vision and you can see why I need to relax and breathe on a regular basis.
I got the brain MRI’d last week and they confirmed it’s gotten “significantly” bigger. There are optic nerves around the nerve the tumor is on and it’s likely that the optic nerve is being pushed on. In theory, the tumor goes away and the vision slowly gets better, but will probably stop at the same shitty place they are now. Here’s hoping for an improvement.
I’ve also become very withdrawn, which is totally not like me. If I’m in places with a crowd or a lot of noise, I become agitated. Not enough to wig out or anything, but enough to feel very uncomfortable. Basically, my self-esteem is down into single digits. I know I’ll get out of it, but for now, I deal. I have no choice.
I’m going to Blogworld this week and that will be very interesting for me. Don’t be surprised if you see a flask of Jack in my bag. I’m kidding, of course. But I might. If you’re going to Blogworld, please let me know. I’d love to meet fellow bloggers and readers of my shiz.
To be clear, this isn’t a sympathy piece. It’s reality. I’m not looking for anything; I just want to share what I’m feeling and what I’m going through. Maybe it will help someone. Or maybe it will make you say, “Jesus Christ this guy is a huge pussy.” Either way, I’m OK with it. It’s your choice.
I recently consulted a few dad bloggers for some advice and perspective on the blog. These are guys who I respect and who I count as good friends. One of them said that it seems as if I try too hard sometimes. He knows my health situation and he encouraged me to share it, because maybe someone would relate to that.
I told him that I appreciated his advice and confided that the reason I don’t write stuff like this a whole lot is because I don’t want to sound whiny. I also got some other great advice and I want to thank everyone that took the time to respond. *fist bump* guys. A man hug too.
I’m not upset about what’s going on with me. The tumor isn’t cancer and the neurological things put a damper on what I can do sometimes, but the chances of it killing me are below 1%. So I’ve got that going for me.
I’ve got a great daughter and a dog who snores so freakin loud that I can actually hear her snoring at this moment as she lays at my feet. That may sound like no big deal, but I should probably tell you that I have headphones on and am blaring music. Yeah. She snores loud.
Thanks for indulging me in this. It’s something I needed to get out. Taking a moment to breathe is something that’s hard for me to do. Mainly because I’m often a 6 ft. ball of stress.
It’s been a really rough year, but I’ve now gone 14 months without a seizure. Once again I will tell you to chill. They were small ones. Kind of like staring off into space. Not the falling down ones where you foam at the mouth as people shove their credit cards and cash into your mouth to stop you from swallowing your tongue. That would suck some major ass.
As I sit here figuring out how to close this, I was struck with a thought. I write for me, but I appreciate that you read it. I just want to let you know that I’m happy that you invite me into your lives for a few moments. And shit.
BTW, this chick has some sexy eyes and I get the feeling she could be kind of nasty. I don’t think I crossed the line with that one, but I’m definitely heading that way.