Theory of a Deadman
Welcome to Music Week 2011!!!
It’s been three crappy years for me. Actually, the past five have been mostly unsatisfying. This isn’t some blog post where I’m gonna go all Oprah on you and implore you to get a box of tissues before you read this. Nope. I’m just throwing all this info out as a simple point of fact and telling you what the deal is.
The bottom line is that my self-esteem and confidence is in the shitter. In October 2010 I lost my job as the only finance manager at a Toyota dealership because of a degenerative neurological disease I was diagnosed with several years ago. I was working six days a week, 11-14 hour days and I was beyond burned out.
I tried to explain to the GM and owner that I couldn’t do everything alone, especially since we were selling 140-180 cars a month. I was told to shut the fuck up and be happy I had a job. The GM told me that he could hire a new person to replace me by the end of the week. So, I shut the fuck up and continued to push myself until I had several small seizures and was removed from my job.
The owner of the dealership I worked for owns a large number of dealerships and during my employment I was told by him and by the GM that the dealership fights every single unemployment case and every disability case that doesn’t involve a clear cut on the job accident. My point in telling you this now is so you’re not shocked when I tell you my disability and unemployment claims were opposed by the law firm he has on retainer and that they won. This meant no money for my daughter and I.
So, you now have a basis for my lack of self esteem at the moment. With the help of family and friends I’ve gotten through this and been able to keep at least a small part of my dignity and my sanity. I’m still crashing on an air mattress while I find the right place to rent. I’m looking for something in a certain area and I need to keep my rent as low as possible, and with school drawing closer, I’m stressing about that more and more.
I’m thrilled to be a hillbilly,
hate to have to deal with me
Probably just end in a fight
Several years ago I was playing hockey when I took a stick to the mouth, knocking out two teeth. Yes I said I took a stick in the mouth, but it was a hockey stick. Not any other kind of stick. That’s not how I roll.
Anyway, these two teeth were located right in the front of my mouth. When I smiled, I looked like I either played in the NHL or I was from Arkansas. Neither was correct. I got the two teeth fixed and was happy with the way I looked and smiled all the time. Not anymore.
I started having seizures last September and shortly after one, I tripped and smacked my face on my desk and one of the crowns (the one closest to the front, of course) came out, leaving me looking very hillbilly-ish once again. I was without dental insurance at the time, so I I put the crown in a ziploc bag on my dresser and stopped smiling. Somehow the crown managed to disappear. Lovely, huh?
It sounds stupid, but that missing chicklet is a big part of the social anxiety I’ve been feeling lately. I’m without health insurance again, which means I can’t take the medicine I need to help control my disease. The lack of meds, makes me very edgey and often irritable. I’m uncomfortable being around people, I’ve even been pulling away from my friends.
I feel inadequate and it’s driving me crazy. I’m doing some work for my brother, helping him with a business he took over from someone when they passed away. This guy made rotating seats for those 5 gallon paint buckets. It sounds stupid, but he used the seat and bucket to sit on when he was catching his daughter, the softball pitcher.
My brother did custom embroidery for the guy and when he passed away from cancer in February, the wife asked him to take it over. I told my bro I would help him get it going and I’ve been trying my best. My bro can’t really afford to pay me anything other than commission, which sucks ass, but I’m doing it to help him and because he’s helped me.
I’m using Go Daddy products to build the site with a template and I’m using their shopping cart. This shit was supposed to be easy for anyone, but apparently I speak even less Geek than I thought I did, because this thing is freaking me the fuck out. This not being able to figure out a simple template based system is pushing my self esteem even further in the crapper, but I’m trying.
The feedback we’re getting from people on the product is great and I know we can market this thing for a ton of things other than softball, but I have to get my mojo back. I need to find it quickly. Like, yesterday.
My writing has suffered a ton because of the lack of self confidence. I question everything that pops out of my brain lately and my book agent will be back from vacation soon; expecting to see anywhere from four to six chapters from me and he’s gonna be lucky if I get the second one done by the end of the week.
My blogging has been shitty too and it’s sad for me to realize the two things I most love to do–writing and doing radio–are the two things I have the least confidence in lately. That’s messed up, because I’m supposed to go into the studio in a week or so with my radio co-host and work on a new demo. And I have a couple stations on the east coast interested in possibly hiring me to go back on air. See why I need to get shit back on track?
Believe it or not, I’m not a total downer and I know shit will get back on track, it’s just a matter of when. Tomorrow is a post from my homey Chopper Papa, and I will be back Wednesday to use another rad tune to tell you the happier side of this depressing blog post. I promise this will be my one whiny post this week and you can come back every day expecting laughter, merriment and shit. Peace out.
P.S. Please check out the video. Any band who uses a long neck beer bottle to play a guitar is a band I want to see. The music starts about 20 seconds in, so either be patient or fast forward.