On Tuesday my brother and I were at work when our friend Sean rolled in to see if we wanted to head over to Costco for a cheap lunch. My brother said yes right away and I figured I would tag along since I wasn’t really looking forward to heating a can of soup in the microwave. After parking and standing in a long line I grabbed my Polish sausage and rounded the corner to fill my cup. I know there are better ways to say that though not many funnier.
As I was getting my drink I watched some guy walk up to machine with a big jug, fill it with ice and water then put it on the ground and fill another before walking away. “WTF?” I thought as I watched the guy do this. Once we had our drinks the three of us grabbed a table, ate lunch and bullshat*.
My brother also noticed the guy with the jugs and when Sean saw the dude pilfering the water he started telling us about a guy he knows who keeps a collection of fast food cups in his car. He saves them in order to take advantage of free refills. If he’s at Burger King, he whips out his BK cup. If he’s making a run for the border he grabs his Taco Bell cup. Classy huh?
We all finished our lunch as we talked and my brother was telling us about some ideas he has for his business. At one point late in the meal I noticed a couple dudes walk up and grab a table behind my brother. I really didn’t pay attention because the patio was kind of crowded and they were just a couple of guys eating lunch.
I noticed that the two guys were sitting next to each other and not across from each other which didn’t seem to be a big deal as I figured they were probably expecting another person or two. As my brother continued to tell us of his plans I noticed something that caught my eye.
Dude on the right put his hand on his friend’s back as if he was consoling or comforting him. I still thought nothing of it and continued to listen to my brother. Suddenly my attention was diverted back to the other table. The guy’s hand started sliding down the friend’s back. And it kept going.
Without warning, fingers grabbed shirt and hand slid inside the jeans and under the drawers. Before glancing at Sean (who was sitting next to me), I noted that while “squeezing the Charmin” the guy was also eating a slice of pizza. My first thought was of the Alanis Morissette song, One Hand In My Pocket. My second thought was, “”That’s not his pocket”.
Sean blurted, “Time to bounce,” as I said, “I’m ready to go.” My brother, who was sitting with his back to the show, had no clue why we were suddenly ready to leave and after walking 20 or 30 feet asked why we were both in a hurry.
As we headed to the car Sean relayed the story to my brother who was kind of surprised but also kind of glad he didn’t actually see it for himself. After returning to the office I was asked if I took a picture, which of course I didn’t. I really wish I had because before we were out of the parking lot I knew I had today’s blog post.
I’m not here to judge but I don’t think the patio outside a crowded Costco at 12:15 PM is the best place to get a little “down the pants” action. Not even if it was a guy and a girl. Not even if it was two chicks.
Would that be considered third base or was the guy trying to steal home? If Alanis ever remakes her hit she could croon, “He’s got one hand eating pizza and the other one is giving a low five.”
P.S. If you think about it, the guy was really just grabbing a slice with both hands.
*Bullshat is the past tense of bullshit.