And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby
Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole
(Hawaiian pronunciation: [ka-maka-iwo’ole]
If someone told me I would be quoting lyrics from the High Holy Diva of homosexual men (Judy Garland) I would say you’re sm0king crack AND sniffing glue. Yet here I am, quoting song lyrics from the Wizard of freakin Oz. Weird.
For the record I don’t advocate the use of either crack or inhalants. Whether alone or together. Crack is wack. Say no to drugs, yo. This is a tale of perservernce, stress, parenting and other assorted stuff. It should make you laugh and it might make you weepy. OK, maybe not “weepy” but it’s a look inside my world and right now my world is kinda sad.
First let me give you a little background on this song. It was done back in 1993 by a dude named Israel “IZ” Kamakawiwo’ole. Who is he? Here’s the Readers Digest version. If you want to know his full story, wiki it.
IZ is the most popular Hawaiian musician. Ever. He kicked Don Ho’s ass years ago and at his biggest (pun intended) he weighed 757 pounds. That’s not a joke. IZ stood six-foot-two and weighed 757. In 1993 he recorded this version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow and around 2004 or 2005 it was released as a mainstream song.
IZ died in 1997 at age 38 and 10,000 attended his funeral while thousands more were at a service to dump his ashes into the Pacific. There’s a shot of it in the video. He’s also only the third person ever (and only non-politician) to have their body lay in state at the Capitol building in Hawaii. That’s a pretty bitchin honor, bro. Nicely done.
I implore you to watch the video at the end of this. It’s just a big dude with a rad voice and a ukelele, but it features some beautiful scenery and it’s something you need to hear at least once in your life. That’s enough about IZ. On with the blog post.
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops that’s where you’ll find me
There are times I feel like I’m over the rainbow, as in ready for a straight jacket. The reality is that I wish I could figure out how to make my troubles melt like lemon drops, but I can’t seem to figure it out. It often seems like I’m seriously losing my mind, though I’m
fairly confident that I’m not.
I’m adjusting to changes in lifestyle due an ongoing illness and it’s frustrating at times. By “at times” I mean most of the time. I’m not in a wheelchair or anything, but I do use a cane the majority of the time and have to plan my day so I don’t get burnt out. That’s easier said than done.
For example, Saturday night I learned (the hard way) that when I’m around fireworks I need to put on my headphones and play some music because the booming sounds are not pleasant for me. But enough about that.
I’m stressing and worrying about things I have no control over and I try to let go of it, but for some reason I can’t. On the rare occasions I do relax, it’s short lived because I start thinking about these things I have no control over and it worries me, which stresses me out. I keep telling my brain to chill, but it likes to screw with me and does its own thing.
Lately I’ve started accepting invitations to events I know will likely not be great for me, but I go anyway. Why do I go? Easy. I don’t want to completely hole up and become a social douche. Plus I need to figure out a way to enjoy myself without paying a huge price and if you don’t try, you don’t know. Ya know?
I know that this will sound both ignorant and insane, but it’s the straight up truth. My lack of confidence is feeding this fear of both success and failure. I really believe that I often subconsciously sabotage myself because I’m afraid of succeeding, even though I very much want to be successful.
At the same time, I’m deathly afraid of failure. Why? Hell if I know. If I could figure it out, I wouldn’t be afraid of it. Trust me.
Here’s how my personal Circle of Life works. I’m afraid of failing, so I don’t try to do things that I should try. When I don’t try, that satisfies my fear of success, but like any nasty beast, my fear of success needs more nourishment, so I continue to not do things because I’m afraid of failing or looking like an idiot.
Add the inherent stress of parenting my hormonal teenage Drama Queen to the equation and you can begin to see why I feel very alone and discouraged. My Muse keeps trying to get me out of this funk, but her arms aren’t long enough to bitch slap me on the West Coast from the East Coast. Still, I appreciate her trying and I publicly apologize for being a whiny douche and for heeding about 2% of the advice she throws down. Maybe 3%. Definitely low single digits.
Thank you to everyone who is still reading. Most sane people left at some point before this and I want you to know I appreciate your sticking with me. I listen to this song and it reminds me that I need to let my troubles melt away and that I can’t change a lot of what’s happening in my life, so I need to roll with it. I’m ready to be happy for a while.
The video was recently released and watching it reminds me that it doesn’t matter what the package looks like on the outside, it’s what you have on the inside that counts. If a 757 pound guy can belt out songs like this, then I’m pretty sure a dude with a weird sense of humor, skewed view on life and a flaming cane can accomplish something pretty decent with his writing.
Note that I said, “pretty sure” and not “sure”. Why not completely sure? Self doubt. As I begin taking regular trips over the rainbow I’m sure I will feel better. I cannot believe I just typed that. Remind me to find a better way to say it. The phrase “As I begin taking regular trips over the rainbow I’m sure I will feel better” sounds wrong on so many levels and I offer my most sincere apologies for having uttered it.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to look for that lemon drop place so I can chill a while. Daddy needs a time out.
P.S. If you read this regularly, you’ve probably noticed I haven’t written much this past month. I’ve been out looking for that damn rainbow. I’m pretty sure I’m close, so please stick with me. If you’re new, hook a brother up and subscribe?