5 Questions To Ask Before Getting Back With Your Ex

In your teenage years, experiencing a heartbreak sounds terrifying.

My first heartbreak nearly destroyed me. I was still in high school, learning the basics of relationships. Frank and I shared an intense relationship, and we connected in levels that were unknown to me. Back then, he was my everything, and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

The problem with intense relationships is that the heartbreak is equally intense.

When Frank left me, I didn’t feel it coming. I was still on the clouds and completely in love with him. The news reached me like a punch in my face: strong and hurtful. I knew it’d leave a mark.

For the following weeks, I experienced all sorts of feelings. I spend a lot of time alone in my bedroom trying to make sense out of what happened. I spoke to multiple friends in the hopes of finding a new perspective that would enlighten — and save — me.

The good news is that nothing lasts forever.

My recovery was full of ups and downs. Until one day, I woke up and felt normal. Frank became a cherished memory, one that played a significant part in my life and shaped who I am. Finally, the nightmare was over.

Then, I met him at a party.

When I saw him, it hit me: I wasn’t ready. Frank looked outstandingly good — I guess I forgot how handsome he was. I felt butterflies on my stomach, my hands got sweaty, and I even forgot my name. For a second, I considered leaving.

Except something made me stay: Frank smiled at me.

He approached me with confident steps, and we engaged in a friendly conversation. It went well: his voice, his smile, and his smell, everything felt right. It brought me back to early stages of the relationship, and Frank made me feel at home again.

By the end of the night, he asked: “Can I text you tomorrow?”

I froze. That was all I wanted to hear for the past weeks. The hopes of having him back in my life sounded almost like a dream come true. But the heartbreak was too intense — I wouldn’t have the strenght to face it again. I had to be careful this time.

During the next day, I was determined to make a decision: should I get back together with my ex? After hours of reflecting, I found five questions that helped me reach a — somewhat — reasonable decision.

What was the source of the problem?

Trying again will not work unless you solved the problem. No matter how much you love each other, it’ll likely fail if the problem is still there.

Imagine this: you’re highly family-oriented, while your partner is career-oriented. This difference is causing trouble in your everyday life. While you’d like them to spend more time with you, they’d like you to be more supportive of their dreams.

In this scenario, if you get back together, the problem will still be there.

Sure, the beginning might feel better. You’re both motivated to make this work and realized how much you missed each other. But, in reality, you tend to go back to the same arguments. Eventually, the relationship will end again for the same reason.

Before getting back with your ex, fix the problem.

What am I truly feeling?

Heartbreaks are a confusing time. When Frank left me, I experienced multiple emotions: sadness, loneliness, love, and even a hurt ego. In this mix of feelings, you’re likely to make wrong decisions.

Before contacting your ex, understand your feelings. What do you feel about the other person? Are you sure it’s love? What if you’re just needy?

Yes, I know you’re hurt. And maybe being hurt is a sign of true love. But maybe what hurts you is your ego. Or perhaps you’re afraid to be alone. And you shouldn’t be in a relationship only because your ego is hurt. It’s not fair to you and for the other person.

Make sure you genuinely love the other person. When you understand your feelings, you’ll be able to make a better decision.

What is the other person feeling?

Relationships are two-sided. After you understand your feelings, try to discover how the other person is feeling.

Now, you can’t read their minds. Making sense of your feelings is difficult enough: finding out how the other person feels is even more challenging.

Here’s the catch: people can lie with words but not with actions.

People act according to how they feel. If the other party is interested in you, their actions will show. They’ll answer when you text, listen to you, care for your feelings, and make you feel appreciated.

Ultimately, the question is: do they act as if they loved you?

How do I see this relationship in the long term?

All relationships will go in one of two ways: breakup or marriage.

Typically, people don’t like the idea of a breakup. But we tend to forget the other side: could you imagine marrying this person?

Take a moment and imagine your married life. Envision having children, decorating a house, traveling, and getting old together. How do you feel? Excited? Anxious? Can you imagine it at all?

Yes, breakups are hard. But no matter how much it hurts: if you can’t see a future with this person, there’s no reason to get back together.

Was the relationship good for me?

Since you were already in a relationship with this person, you already know how it’ll be. It’s different from a new relationship, with all the mystery and the unknown. With your ex, you should have a good idea of what to expect if you get back together.

So the question is: was this relationship good for you?

Attention here: it’s not about how you feel about the person. Instead, it’s about how the relationship impacts you, regardless of how much you love each other.

The truth is, not all relationships are good.

Some couples argue constantly, don’t support each other’s dreams, and see the other almost as a property. And you can love a person and still be in a bad relationship.

What’s the goal of any relationship? Overall, it’s about sharing your life with someone you love, having support on the tough times, growing together. It’s supposed to make you feel good.

Before the breakup, was your relationship good or bad for you? If it’s bad, maybe you shouldn’t get back together.

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After a few days of reflecting on it, I decided not to call Frank. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to finish that chapter of your life and move on. It doesn’t mean he’s a bad person or that I don’t love him. But I felt like we were better apart.

Getting back to your ex is a complex decision. It involves love, forgiveness, maturity, and empathy. Instead of a fresh start, you have to analyze the reasons that made the relationship fail and define how much you’re willing to fight for this. These questions should help you make a better decision, one that considers your needs.

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I’m much nicer on Twitter!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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