Jeffrey Platts offers advice on what to do when your conversations suck.
I used to be a horrible listener. I was so afraid of what a woman thought of me that I was always in my head trying to micromanage the entire conversation.
I would stutter.
I asked dumb things like “What is your favorite kind of horse?”
Now, as a life and authentic relating coach, circling facilitator and writer, I get asked a lot by guys on how they can have better connections with women. These six simple tips are the most powerful I’ve experienced in the past few years.
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1. Be fully present.
I was that guy. I would be sitting with a beautiful woman in a café, but my eyes would dart around the room at all the other ladies passing by. One day a woman friend said to me “You know, it’s totally obvious you’re scoping out all those women. It really has me feeling ugly and not appreciated.”
My heart sank. I had no idea that I was creating that effect on her. Like most guys, I thought I was being discreet with my Ray-Bans.
Make sure your attention is on the woman in front of you. Not on trying to figure out what cool thing to say or what to do next. Do your best to be present to and aware of what’s going on in your body, her body and also the energetic connection between you and her. Create that magic bubble where it feels as if there is no one else but the two of you.
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2. Actually give a sh#t about her.
Whether you just met her two minutes or 12 years ago, actually care about her and genuinely want to get to know about her world. Yes, own your physical attraction to her, but also bring your heart to the interaction. Connect with your curiosity about who she is—her dreams, fears, insecurities, quirks and gifts.
Be more concerned about the quality of the connection rather than faking interest as a way to get somewhere or to get something out of her. She is not a means to an end (sex, a number, a date). She is a world to explore. So is the connection.
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3. Appreciate and celebrate who and where she is in the moment.
A woman crying used to scare me. I would get anxious and not know what to do. One day I bumped into my good female friend in the street. She started talking about her breakup. I just stood with her on the sidewalk and gently listened as she shared her story with teary eyes. After 20 minutes, she said “Wow, that was so healing for me. Thank you so much for listening.” I finally got it. Me simply being with her was more effective than me trying to fix or distract her.
Whatever comes up for her in your interaction, celebrate it. Something fun and juicy comes up? Dive in and celebrate that. She mentions something emotional or uncomfortable from her past? Stay in the moment with her.
Don’t try to change the subject to get to a “happier” topic. Never try to “fix it” for her. If anything, ask her to say more about it so you can explore it together. If you actually care about her, then you want to get to know ALL of her, not just the bubbly, sexy, and socially presentable side.
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4. Share the impact she’s having on you.
It’s easy to think that it’s all about being a great interviewer. That’s true if you’re trying to get a good story out of the woman. But if you want a deeper connection with her, then you have to let her know how she’s impacting you, in the moment.
If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that women want to FEEL you. They want to know that you are right there WITH them, not mentally floating away thinking about the ballgame. Communicating is just exchanging ideas, connecting is a visceral experience of being in relationship with someone. An easy sentence stem to use is “When you said _____, I felt _____.”
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5. Slow down and milk the silence.
My mind thinks fast and my mouth talks fast. Not ideal for most conversations. My big aha came when I started to chill out, practice just being with her. I gave up trying to impress her with my cool questions. And ironically, I actually enjoyed myself a lot more.
Silences are only uncomfortable when you resist them. Got nothing to say? Just take a big deep breath down into your balls. Trust me, it will have an impact. You can even be honest, “I’m really wanting to connect more with you, but right now I’m drawing a blank on what to say.” See what happens. Connection happens in the spaces in between the words. Keep the lid on and let the mojo water boil.
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6. Use humor mindfully.
I sometimes have the awkward habit of smiling when I see a woman in a vulnerable emotion. It’s as if I want to ease her mood by cheering her up. I’m doing #2 but not #3. And when I do that I can instantly feel the connection drop away. My practice now is to speak the moment, “Wow, I’m seeing you in this vulnerable place and I’m not sure what to do right now. And I care about you. How can I best support you right now?”
Nothing is sexier and inspiring than hearing a woman giggle her ass off at something you just said. But when you use it to release tension or to avoid an uncomfortable topic, it destroys the connection.
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One last thing. While it’s good to remember these tips, don’t let them become a list of tricks you use to “get the woman”. Practice embodying them so that they become a part of your natural relating style and it extends to everyone, not just those you’re dating. All your relationships will be that much richer for it.
This piece originally appeared on SingleTease.com.
—Photo photoloni/Flickr
This article is so depressing. Like SO many of the articles on this site, this provide “tips” that basically amount to: “how to be an adult who doesn’t have narcissistic personality disorder.” I mean, the tips here include: refrain from checking out other women when you’re on date, “give a shit” about your date, try to relate to her, and listen to what she’s saying when she’s upset instead of changing the subject. Essentially this amounts to: refrain from being completely self-involved / show a genuine interest when interacting with other humans. Is this really news to men? WTF!?
When I was younger I had a long deep and meaningful conversation with a woman I had met at a party, 3 hours passed like 10 minutes and she had told me I was a good listener. What really stood out is how surprised she was and it made me feel very shocked to realize that it was rare for her to have people actually listen to her. I pride myself on my ability to take some friends (usually female since the guys I know rarely open up) from feeling terrible, crying, to laughing and happy within minutes. I have… Read more »
Jeffry,
Your piece is indeed a good one. Much of the ideas can be applied to being with children or when speaking with a friend. The advice for men with women is probably good for dating and courting though I’m not sure why men would still want to play the Russian Roulette modern relationship game. One small mistake or an alleged claimed mistake and a man is pow sitting inside a cold jail cell wondering what the heck just happened.
Thank you, Aharon. Yes, the advice applies to any interaction.
Very good list, Jeffrey, clear, concise and spot on.
They should teach this stuff in schools!!!
@LF: “it’s sad that anybody needs to be told these things”
We are not born wise. We need to learn along the way.
We all should be talking about this topics (relationship stuff) much more, instead of fluffy and inconsistent chat.
It’s something many women talk about, but men seldom do. That’s why many men are “relationship incompetent”, until they “wise up”.
Yeah, I know we’re not born wise! And I really appreciate your willingness to talk about it. It’s just that some of this stuff seems like very basic kindness, and I have a hard time believing the Golden Rule doesn’t apply here. You wouldn’t like it if you were on a date with a woman you found really captivating and she was scoping out other guys the whole time… even if she was trying to be polite and do it in a non obvious way. Right? I mean, I realize that typically men and women have some differences in what… Read more »
@LF: “some of this stuff seems like very basic kindness”
It seems very basic to YOU. 🙂
Everybody likes to think they are the standard; actually, everybody lives in his/her own, different world. Otherwise, people wouldn’t have such an hard time communicating and understanding each other!
Besides, many times people is not aware of doing something. If you’re the kind of person not looking into the eyes, for you it’s just the norm, you hardly notice it. We need someone from outside, pointing it out (like the author said in #1).
Oh, believe me, I don’t think I personally am the “standard.” And I’ve been around enough different types of people to know how different people can be.
But really? If you were out with a woman and she was scoping out other guys through the whole date, it wouldn’t bother you? If she acted like she didn’t “actually give a shit about you” it wouldn’t bother you? Assuming you actually consider her possible relationship material, that is – not that you’re just looking for a quickie hookup.
Thanks, Crescendo. Yes, we literally all have our own unique worlds. Circling, the group experience I facilitate, is precisely that. We go in assuming nothing about the person and do our best to get what it’s like to be in their world, in this moment. It’s a powerful way of relating that can extend to our everyday life.
Being present is actually the hardest part, and once that’s taken care of, the other problems aren’t problems any more. It’s only when I’m panicking because I think it’s so critically important that I come up with something to say right now, that I can’t think of anything, not even the weather, to comment on. @LF, I think there’s a relationship between men being unable to connect meaningfully, and not knowing that this is what they need to do, for whatever reason. People can learn to do these things late in life, and we all need intimacy, even if we… Read more »
Yeah, it does seem to me that a lot of men simply don’t know they need intimacy, otherwise they couldn’t possibly act in some of the ways they do. But I can’t always tell if it’s really that, or that they know they need it but either don’t want to let on, don’t have enough practice at it, etc.
Do they need intimacy? Because a lot of men aren’t taught that and they don’t see that.
Sharing problems? Problems are made to be solved not shared. Unless you’re sharing in the solution.
Sharing pain? That’s a non-starter for men who’ve learned to block out pain as much as possible. Pain slows you down. Pain makes a coward of you.
Any other questions you would like to have answered just let me know.
That makes sense… but do men actually like it that way?
While this is very well-written, I tend to agree with LF… that employing these “tactics” just to get a women will not get you very far. As women, we are very sensitive and intuitive and can feel when a man is using strategies to try and get closer to us. Personally, I would much prefer a man just show up and be authentic in his “maleness” than try to act sensitive to my feelings and become more feminine to try and create a connection with me. While some of the above strategies might be a welcome change since they are… Read more »
Well I wasn’t really saying that I knew for a fact that men were doing this (just using these suggestions as “strategies”). I think they’re all good suggestions and really just basic skills for being able to relate more deeply to people, whether friends or romantic partners. I guess it was more that I was expressing sadness that anyone needs to be taught these things, and wondering whether if someone needed to be taught these things, are they even capable of intimacy or do they even understand why real intimacy and connection is so gratifying? Unfortunately I’ve met a lot… Read more »
For me, I’m not so sure it’s a “skill set” as much as an awareness of what a woman needs in the relationship. And in some cases, just different expectations. I was raised to believe that when there’s a problem, I try to fix it…or control it…or make things better. I thought this was my “job” as a Man. I ALWAYS did that when my wife shared problems with me. I didn’t try to understand how she felt about it or just support her without trying to tell her what she needed to do. I can understand now, that she… Read more »
@SS: I totally agree. Connection is best when it’s fluid and organic. And yes, some men will use these as another trick/technique. Everyone will have there intentions. But if a guy is not getting results in his relating with women, I think it’s a great thing to get some tips and feedback to help him. It may feel a bit forced or unnatural at first, but I hope that it then ends up becoming more natural and second nature, rather than some conscious trick he needs to “turn on”. Hence my caveat. 🙂 And I hope that women will pick… Read more »
Au contraire.
There are tons of men who employ the aforementioned “tactics” with much success. Women call them heart breakers.
Thanks for writing this Jeffrey. I particularly appreciated #3. Most people know me as a very “low maintenance” woman who supposedly has all her shit together. But I don’t feel that way or want to be that way all the time, yet I find myself retreating into it a lot of the time because, if I ever cry or show that I’m vulnerable, the response of a lot of men hurts me much more than it heals me. I’ve never really known whether this was because the guy just doesn’t selfishly doesn’t want to deal with it, or doesn’t know… Read more »
@LF, I can’t speak for all men, but for me, I just wasn’t programmed (or wired, whatever you want to call it) that way. My parent’s divorced early and I didn’t have a loving relationship as a model. I loved my wife with all my heart, and felt like I was always falling more in love with her. I thought I was giving her all the things she needed, but they were really what I needed to be happy, so why wouldn’t she? I didn’t know anything was wrong, that I wasn’t connected with her. She tried to communicate this… Read more »
Thanks much for the honest answer. And yeah, I know how it feels when you try to talk about what your needs are and it doesn’t seem to get through, until finally you give up trying because it just hurts too much, and instead let a thousand little hurts build up and your connection slowly erodes. Kudos to you both for acknowledging what has happened and having the courage to try to rebuild. I think it can be done and I really wish you the best. I guess you’re right that there are a lot of men who just don’t… Read more »
@LF, it makes me sad to think that my wife was so unhappy for so long. I don’t know you, but I’m sorry that you have had frustration with the same. I hope you are in a fulfilling relationship now. I think back about what could have been said or done to get through to me, and we discuss this often, even though it is futile at this point. I am an intelligent person, have always thought of myself as introspective, but I guess for a long time I had a lot of emotional blindspots. In hindsight, I think it… Read more »
@LF: Thank you. Yeah, it’s all about practice and awareness. Hopefully you can find a guy who will have
this emotional and relational sensitivity. I agree, it’s a bummer that for some it has to be taught. But like any relational or communication technique, it can be twisted for maladaptive ways. It just depends on the intention of the person.
What a sensitive and thoughtful post. All 6 tips are helpful to men and women.
Thank you, Carrie! Yes, the tips apply to any type of connection.
Jeffrey, this is succinct yet comprehensive. That is the best kind of article. Thanks for sharing! I wish I would have understood these things 16 years ago… I am just learning these are things my wife needed from me and I never understood (yeah, I was clueless… thinking security, frequent orgasms, and feeling desired were all she needed to be happy). We are on the rocks at the moment… she became disconnected from me over the years because she didn’t feel I really cared about her. Recently, I almost lost her to another man. But we are repairing our marriage… Read more »
…and I think they guy that almost stole her away from me definitely understood these tips. Note to readers: please don’t use these tips on married women (that are not married to you).
@Clueless: Thank you. Glad it resonated. Yes, they’re tips I wish I had years ago, too. I wish you best of luck with your wife. I’ve went down a similar path with a girlfriend a few years ago.
Touch is #1 for me.
@I don’t believe you: Agreed. Touch is extremely important. If I do a follow-up, I’lll definitely be including that. Thanks for your comment!
I have to admit, I am clueless of acceptable touch with women and also a touch-starved person. Makes it especially hard when I am also very shy around new women, even long term friends and I do not touch first at all (Never want to overstep someones boundaries and make them uncomfy basically).
Would love to read the followup.
#1 – My ex would check out other women while talking to me. Note the “ex” bit there. I know that people have desires and that those are generally not harmful, but if you’re talking to me, talk to ME – don’t be checking out the room.
🙂 I’m totally with you. It was a big wake up call for me. It can still be a challenge at times, but I’m much more aware of it now. More importantly, I love how good it feels when that connection bubble gets created.
I love that connection bubble. And it is a learned skill for everyone, even me. My boyfriend feels similarly alienated when I brush off whatever he’s talking about to change the subject to myself, for example. Or when I’m nodding as though I’m listening, but I’m really surfing the internet. 😀
The connection bubble rocks. Such an amazing gift when two people experience that.
And if I may add (not directed at you, Jeffrey, as you obviously rank fairly high in the sensitivity meter), DON’T talk to my breasts or look at them expectantly, regardless of the situation.
Thank you for this lovely, thoughtful piece.
Alas, that’s pretty hard. Especially if you excel in that department. 😉
But you’re right and I’ll try to keep in mind. 🙂
“DON’T talk to my breasts or look at them expectantly”
Ah, you are voicing a common complaint by many women that men must only respond in the way women want to a female’s expressed visual cues such as appearance, dress, pheromones, body language, conversation, flirting, tone of voice, etc. The funniest and most extreme complainers are the Slut Walkers who think they ‘should’ be able to dress in any manner, anywhere, any time of day and to lastly control men’s response to them.
@Aharon: RE: Slut Walkers
I don’t think Slut Walkers complain about what you said; I think they complain about being judged and condemned for their sexual behaviour and/or choice of clothing (things that are totally THEIR own business – and nobody else’s).
AFAIK, Slut Walkers are against loathing, not against male’s (polite) appreciation.
Then, if a woman is flaunting her assets 😉 and dislike being gazed upon… well, I think she is somehow confused. 😀
“Then, if a woman is flaunting her assets and dislike being gazed upon… well, I think she is somehow confused” @Crescendo63, Confused? You are very polite. You must not yet have spent much time on the other sites I go to. 🙂 Glad that type of double-standard mixed-message behavior seldom happens. LOL. It’s funny in a sad kind of way; the more a woman used to put me through the first date “interview” interrogation ie figure out if I meet her “shopping list” demands the more I spent time gazing wherever I wanted, and to treat her more like a… Read more »
Well obviously her tactics “worked” on you since you agreed to go out with her in the first place.
@Aharon @Crescendo63 – Slut Walkers are not trying to control mens’ reactions to their clothing, unless your natural reaction is to RAPE!!! Slut Walkers are angry that women are being BLAMED for the violence that MEN commit against women. A woman should not be raped for the way she is dressed. A woman should not be blamed for her rape. *THAT* is what Slut Walk is about. It’s about how we need to STOP BLAMING WOMEN FOR RAPE – THEY DID NOT ASK FOR IT BY THE WAY THEY DRESSED! The only person responsible for rape is the man who… Read more »
@john hall
LOL. Just above you is this quote…
“DON’T talk to my breasts or look at them expectantly, regardless of the situation.”
And then you defend slutwalk being ONLY about rape???
If Slutwalk was about “rape” it would be more male victim friendly. It’s really about the “right” to shame men’s reactions to what women wear, no matter what she’s wearing. That’s really the politics behind the movement.
I’m not familiar with this “movement” but I completely agree that women who dress “slutty” and then get angry with men starting at them are just on a power trip. Most women are not going to dress like that unless they’re out to get attention and only a particular kind of attention. It’s silly to pretend otherwise and the whole thing is very manipulative. It’s just too bad so many men fall for it – or I guess some like it and then they’re just using each other. Doesn’t sound like a fun time.
“And if I may add (not directed at you, Jeffrey, as you obviously rank fairly high in the sensitivity meter), DON’T talk to my breasts or look at them expectantly, regardless of the situation. ” Can you explain the looking at them expectantly part? I do wonder at times why some women can get extremely mad that men look at her breasts when her cleavage is quite visible. Many men do enjoy seeing breasts and I’d say unconsciously look at them quite a lot, so having them on display and crying foul when you catch them in the act makes… Read more »
See my post above… most women do it to be manipulative. Either you show off your cleavage because you like the attention from random guys, or you only show it off to guys you actually like (i.e. they can wait till you’re in private to see what you’ve got). Showing it off to to the world and then getting mad when they stare… pure control trip at worst, not very realistic at best.
That is quite sinister….
There are some people who look around a room as an instinct, constantly looking around and have trouble keeping eye contact at times. Basically they’re scanning for danger, I naturally do this due to an hyper alert state that I am usually in. I’ve always wondered if someone has misread it as checking others out. Figured I might as well point that out to people but I’m sure your ex was simply having a gander at others for different reasons, hence why they’re an ex.
I needed this- I think I’m a good listener/ relator, but can I see where I need to improve- thanks
@Dinomax: Thanks. Glad it helped. Writing this piece served as a good reminder for myself, as well.