The love of your life has left you, moved on, and decided to see other people. You feel like your heart has been shattered and the shards are shredding you from within. What do you do now?
Well, if you were a woman, you’d probably find your BFF, cry it out, talk it out, decide why you’re better off, plot revenge, scrap the idea of revenge as being too much effort, then put on a LBD (little black dress) and go out to celebrate being single again.
Too bad you’re not a woman.
As a guy, how to deal with heartbreak and heartache can be a much more confusing and difficult prospect. Men are notorious for being unable to articulate feelings and allow themselves to be vulnerable. Admitting that you’re feeling crushed and sad, and heaven forbid, crying, might be unfathomable to most men.
But suffering in silence and pushing down your feelings isn’t a good idea either. So, what’s a guy to do?
Tips For Handling A Hurting Heart
Contrary to popular stereotypes, feeling pain isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s also not something that goes away on it’s own. If you’re a guy with a broken heart, check out these suggestions for handling things in a healthy manner that will help you heal.
• Say it out loud. Part of the battle for many men is simply admitting they’re hurt. In order to get past things, you have to face things. So, say it out loud. It doesn’t have to be to anyone, just to yourself, but still out loud. Try looking in the mirror while saying it. Once you’ve said it out loud it makes it real, and you can start dealing with it.
• Find someone to talk to. Yes, this one can be tough for many men, but you really do need to be able to voice your feelings and if nothing else know that another human understands what you’re going through. For a lot of guys this is easier to do with a female friend rather than a male one. Whomever it is, you need a willing ear, even if they don’t have any words of wisdom.
• Skip the machismo. No one is so tough that they don’t feel pain, so don’t macho up. You are just as human as anyone else, and being able to be hurt means you’re also able to love. Embrace that, it’s actually more manly and mature than flying the tough-guy flag.
• Skip the extra beer or cocktail. There is no truth to drowning your sorrows as a method of coping. In fact, alcohol is a depressant and will make things worse. It can also lead to stupid and inappropriate behavior, and lessen your ability to handle your anger and pain in a productive manner.
• Channel your pain. All that heartbreak creates extra stress and anxiety that can sit like a coiled snake inside you. Finding a productive way to release that energy can be a huge help. The obvious one is through physical exertion like working out, but new hobbies that can take your mind off things are just as effective.
• Avoid the rebound. You’ve likely heard the saying that the quickest way to get over someone is to get under someone. Not true. Distracting yourself by getting involved physically or emotionally with someone too soon won’t alleviate your pain and will almost certainly compound and complicate your problems. Plus, you run the very real risk of hurting someone else who may have a different intent for getting together.
• Give yourself time. What is true is that time heals all wounds. There is no way to circumvent pain, you have to allow it to run its course. Recognizing this while working through things can be comforting and give you perspective. Know that next week will be better than this one, next month will be better than that, and in 6 months all kinds of things will have changed.
These tips won’t magically make pain go away, but they will help you contend with them in a way that maintains your emotional and psychological well-being.
What Can Happen If You Ignore Your Pain
Don’t believe me? Okay, let’s consider what can happen if you choose to ignore your pain and follow the real guys don’t cry handbook.
• The shards never go away. The shards of a heart that isn’t given a chance to heal will continue to cut. This means that little things that remind you of your lost love can cut when you least expect it. Because you haven’t given yourself a chance to heal you risk remaining in pain and living in fear of what happens next.
• A social mask develops. You never wanted to talk about it, but you still need to interact with friends, family, and people at work. This means you have to create a social mask so people can’t see the pain you’re feeling. The problem with this is that not only does it become exhausting, but it also prevents you from getting close to people or them getting close to you. That’s a lonely life.
• Your next relationship already has problems. When you finally do decide to jump into love again, guess what happens? The lid comes off Pandora’s box and all that unresolved pain taints your new relationship. You won’t be unable to have a healthy, happy relationship if you drag all that pain and those unaddressed issues with you. And if you haven’t dealt with it that’s precisely what you’re doing.
• Anger. Pain doesn’t go away when you ignore it. In fact, it’s a bit like putting it in a pressure cooker. Eventually the lid blows and for most men it manifests as anger. Sometimes explosive anger.
• Depression. Festering pain not only creates anger, it’s also a primary contributor to depression in men, which can lead to even bigger and more destructive issues.
So, guys, you have a choice. Would you rather walk through the fire, deal with the scorch, and end up in a better place, or continue to circle it ad infinitum allowing it to burn you over and over again? The answer seems clear. Either one hurts, so stop trying to avoid it.
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