The kind of sex that sells golf clubs and chicken wings is never going to completely fulfill you. Here’s why.
It is probably the most pleasurable experience that human beings have. It excites us, delights us and drives us absolutely insane. We write songs about it, make movies about it, tell lies about it and daydream about it. By some accounts men think about it every 52 seconds. Nothing gives us more pleasure and at the same time causes us more pain than the experience of sex.
The media constantly bombards with images of sex and nudity. “Sex sells” and marketers and advertisers take every opportunity to take advantage of this adage. Companies use sex to sell everything from golf clubs to chicken wings and each year the advertising seems to get more and more provocative.
With this over-proliferation of sexual images one might conclude that everyone is engaged in sex 24 hours a day seven days a week. Not only do we assume everyone is doing it, we also assume that they are actually enjoying doing it! But if sex is so wonderful and pleasurable why are so many people so unhappy with their sex lives? Why is it that married couples tend to have less sex as time goes by? Why do people have affairs for sex when they should have access to all the sex they want if they have a committed relationship? Why do men put so much emphasis on sexual conquests as gauges for their manhood? Why do people have so much difficulty being honest about how they really feel about sex and have to lie and make up excuses for their sexual behaviors and appetites?
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I have come to the conclusion that there is one answer that really covers the gamut of most of these questions. This one answer is so simple yet so complex very few people will grasp its implication. The answer is so profoundly simple you probably will not believe it. If you’ve ever wondered why men obsess over sex yet remained unfilled, if you have asked why people have affairs this will answer that question. If you get caught up in power struggles over sex, or wondered why it is so difficult to maintain a fulfilling sex life, this answer will shed light on the reason why.
The reason so many people are so unhappy with their sex lives is because our society has conditioned us to believe that sex is purely a physical experience when in truth it should be an emotional and a spiritual experience. Without the emotional and spiritual aspect of sex, people will always feel as if something is missing. It doesn’t matter if you cause your mate to have powerful orgasm’s that send shivers up and down her spine. It does not matter if you have two-hour erections (dream on) that would make you an instant star in a pornographic movie. If your emotions are not involved, sex will always be empty and unfulfilling. You may experience temporary pleasure but ultimately if you really examine your feelings you will know in your heart that something just isn’t right.
This is why so many men are uncomfortable with cuddling after sex. If you are emotionally and spiritually connected with your mate then cuddling is a continuation of the sexual experience. Opening your heart and mind to the experience will always bring you closer to your mate. But most of us are very uncomfortable with this type of openness and vulnerability. The reason so many of us are unhappy is because we seek physical pleasure without emotional attachment and that is a recipe for addiction. In order to truly experience lovemaking and intimacy we must be able to feel the energy of love moving through us as we connect with our mate. We must learn to open our hearts and expose our true selves so that our partners can emotionally and spiritually unite with us. This may sound like something out of a romance novel but it is an attainable experience if you focus on the emotional aspect of your sexual encounters. Most of us are so committed to “getting laid” and simply “getting some” that we miss out on the most important aspect of sex which is sharing yourself with your mate in the emotional and spiritual act of lovemaking.
The time has come for all men to learn to make love to our mates and not just have sex with them.
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Although most men will probably not admit this, we can be terrified of this level of intimacy because in the back of our minds we may be afraid to surrender our hearts to the people we love. Some of us keep up emotional blocks because we are too afraid to have that type of trust and connection. It sometimes seems easier to simply sleep around with multiple women to prove our manhood but the truth is we pay a heavy price for this detached way of behaving. A real man will take the risk and open his heart because in the end he recognizes that true love is about openness and surrender. He takes the risks to love and he is rewarded with love and connection.
Did you know that you could make love to your mate and never physically touch them? If this sounds impossible then you are trapped in the illusion of physical sex. True love is a function of the heart and mind and has absolutely nothing to do with your penis. If you really want to make love, leave your penis in your pants and learn to take out your heart and share it with your mate.
Are you ready for this new conversation about sex?
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photo: gnlogic / Flickr
Way to generate a conversation Michael! Happy to see you, and read your take on GMP. Rock on man. And thanks for the plug for http://mankindproject.org.
Sex in my marriage is only as good and clear as I am. No matter what kind of sex … the afternoon romp or the spiritual communion. My self-awareness … and the resulting empathy that I am able to create because of that willingness to listen is the key for me.
You make some good points but swung wildly and missed badly on a couple points. First, though, you are correct on the emotional connection necessary to experience the fullness that sex offers. There’s more to it than that but that’s a good start. However your inaccurate generalizations lead you to wrong conclusions in some areas. Specifically, these statements: “Why do men put so much emphasis on sexual conquests as gauges for their manhood?” “Men”, as in all 3.5 billion of us? You can’t possibly know that unless you’ve met us all and carefully interviewed each one of us. Strong suggestion:… Read more »
“Why do people have affairs for sex when they should have access to all the sex they want if they have a committed relationship?” It would be a wonderful world if being in a committed relationship meant that those two people had the same sexual appetite, same preferences, same desires, always at the same time. It’s not “all access” like having the key to a cabinet. More like the nuclear launch console on the submarine – both people have to turn the keys. Try telling a low-libido spouse “Hey, I’m supposed to have access to all the sex I want.”… Read more »
@That Guy, in regards to your comment “In terms of cultural programming, there is also a WHOLE lot of conditioning telling men exactly the opposite of what you describe.” That is the problem! The male conditioning of our society has conditioned us to believe that we aren’t supposed to be emotional. This is the reason that I called the article A New Conversation About Sex. The time has come for us as men to be comfortable with feeling and expressing our emotions without the fear of being called wimpy, overly sensitive, gay or pussy whipped.
I got this far “The reason so many people are so unhappy with their sex lives is because our society has conditioned us to believe that sex is purely a physical experience when in truth it should be an emotional and a spiritual experience” and then stopped. Mainly because I realized this was just going to be yet another article telling me what sex should be like. Sex should be whatever we want it to be. And let me tell you, it is not (and shouldn’t be) an “emotional and spiritual experience” every time. Don’t get me wrong, sex can… Read more »
@Daddy Files, Absolutely nothing wrong with some emotionless carnal headboard banging sex. But notice you said with your significant other which is the real point of the article. Sharing ourselves with someone we love is the key to great sex.
I dunno about that, great sex can be had without all that trouble. I don’t believe there is any mutual dependency except the requirement for trust and compatibility.
DaddyFiles, It’s tough to consider someone’s opinion on an article that didn’t completely read it to begin with. To read it and disagree is one thing. To come in and say “I stopped reading it here..” is another. Just because the article doesn’t make a case for sex for physical sake, doesn’t mean it’s telling you how your sexuality should be. I can’t help but wonder if the article was making a case for sex for the sake of physical sake, if you would have had the same response and came in with guns blazing about how you like your… Read more »
Having had “just sex” and having had “made love”, I would note that there is a difference in feeling. That said, both are good. Better to have simple sex and make love with the same person. But if you could only have “just sex”, well, I wouldn’t stop pursuing it. I’ve done the celibacy thing for a long time (32 years) and simply having “just sex” was pretty darned good. Took another few years before I “made love.” The cool thing is that “making love” gets better. “Just sex” remains “just sex” and is kinda unfulfilling after awhile, but it’s… Read more »
There is nothing wrong with “just sex” but as you mentioned “”just sex” is kinda unfulfilling after awhile”. This is the whole point of the article. Making love gets better and is more rewarding and fulfilling in the long run.
Thanks for posting!
Cheers!
all i need to tell is “‘Ohh i love sex “” LoL
Thank you for this. I believe sex is a gift, like breath… Like love. It is meant to be shared, expressed wholly. Our culture has commotidized and dehumanized it to the point of rendering it meaningless, often usurious. We need a return to intimacy first, connection and heart-centered relationships. Only when we come from this place can sex have lasting meaning.
spot on.
Thank you Michael Taylor!! You’ve articulated what i’ve felt for a long time.
What about the guys who can’t find someone who will date them? I’ve never been in a relationship. In fact, the only way I get to have sex is with prostitutes which isn’t fulfilling at all and something I feel guilty about but it’s better than using my hand all the time.
@Colin, You are not alone. There are thousands of men who will not admit it but creating relationships can be extremely difficult. The challenge is for you to take a deep look inside and figure out why you have trouble finding dates. My assertion is that there are women who would date you, but, what is it about you that’s keeping you from finding them? It takes rigorous honesty to admit the things that might be keeping them away but you must be honest with yourself and become self introspective to learn what fears and concerns you have about yourself… Read more »
I know exactly why I have trouble finding dates. I was raised to believe that I should bend over backwards to make women happy and that makes me appear weak and no one wants to date someone weak. I am, quite simply, a pushover. I am happy to making other people happy and doing that makes me weak. Combine that with the fact that because I am very fashionable and a “pretty boy” and most people think I’m gay to begin with. I’m not short, or ugly, or overweight, or unintelligent, or unsuccessful. It’s true, I’m not the most confident… Read more »
I completely relate to your comments. I too used to be a pushover and I used to always put other peoples needs in front of my own. But then I decided that I was deserving of being loved and I learned how to put my own emotional needs first. Once I learned to do that I was able to create relationships that really worked for me. Your challenge is simple and can be summed up by your own comment, “Its true, I’m not the most confident person in the world”. You must be willing to gain the confidence to be… Read more »
The media does harm in telling women that they need to do and look like A, B and C to be sexy. But it also sends messages about what male sexuality looks like that are unfair to men. Common media outlets that portray male sexuality often portray men as selfish and even brutish. It says that male sexuality is just a physical thing. That it’s only as good as a woman’s own boobs or breasts. And male sexuality can be so much more wonderful then that. But society doesn’t let it be anymore more then that. And it’s a real… Read more »
I remember, some years ago, a young woman insisting that she made a point of wanting to have sex with a man before really going with him or seeing if she liked him. “It’s a good thing to get over,” she said, making it seem that sex was a kind of hurdle—an impediment rather than a goal. At a party this young woman hosted, some years later, my wife and I noted—finally—that most of the guests were men this woman had slept with but not really had relationships with. This was her choice, her pattern. Thus it’s no surprise that… Read more »
@Mervyn, I completely agree with “men are not alone in holding back emotionally.” I will also say that men and women have the same emotional challenges when it comes to relationships. My point is that collectively men have not had a forum to speak openly about their emotions because our society says that women have a monopoly on “feelings”. My intention is to create that forum and challenge men to be courageous enough to speak openly about how we feel not what we think.
“Although most men will probably not admit this, we can be terrified of this level of intimacy because in the back of our minds we may be afraid to surrender our hearts to the people we love. Some of us keep up emotional blocks because we are too afraid to have that type of trust and connection.”
You forgot the real experiences of many men that receive negative feedback when they express their feelings and are made to think that their feelings are unimportant and secondary. This article doesn’t help anybody.
@The Bad Man, one of the reasons I began writing and speaking is because I had a woman completely invalidate and belittle me by saying I was “too emotional and sensitive” because I was able to express my true feelings to her. As a result of that conversation I began researching men’s issues and found very little information that helped me be comfortable with expressing myself emotionally. What I have learned is that most of us as men do not have the emotional vocabulary or literacy to authentically express how we really feel and it makes it difficult for us… Read more »
Ooh! I love that last line Michael! Excellent!
Nice…lot’s of men could use that advice.
“men do not have the emotional vocabulary or literacy to authentically express how we really feel” I agree with the main premise of the article – however I differ slightly on the above. It’s not so much that men lack the vocabulary or the emotions or capacity to express it as it is what is deemed “authentic expression” is very subjectively applied and biased against those expressions that do no align with expectations. Many people men and women hold back expressing themselves because of fear of negative hurtful feedback delivered in a way that de humanizes and denigrates and disrespects.… Read more »
Agree, that last line is just precious!
“The reason so many people are so unhappy with their sex lives is because our society has conditioned us to believe that sex is purely a physical experience when in truth it should be an emotional and a spiritual experience” Me thinks you’re picking cherries. That same society includes: various umpteen religions, parents and family, conservative thought, books, films, text, talk, rituals, e-harmony, self-help mega industry, this very column, television, music – all of which market the very same idea you claim to be missing from the discourse. So that’s not it then. That old adage about marketing needs an… Read more »
Elissa, I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around what you are trying to express. That because there is religion, e-harmony and self help books that the over sexualization of physical sex in our culture isn’t true? I use to work within marketing. Where did you get your “50%” totals from? Advertising is far more affective then people give it credit for. Branding is obviously a very successful tool in promoting a product. Attaching emotion to that brand is even more affective. Advertisers know their audience so well that they can specifically create adds and tools that target… Read more »
I’m expressing the thought that there exists numerous and powerful sources of influence that condition / shape sexuality towards the “intimate and loving” paradigm. The author is putting forth the notion that “society” is either missing and/or being overwhelmed by counter and opposing messages. My position is that they are not missing, and the ones that exist a plenty, are not being overwhelmed.
And I conclude and stop with: so that’s not it.
That is so true!
Thank you!
Sounds good! Tell me more.