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Editor’s note: This post contains spoilers about the show Big Little Lies.
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At first, I wasn’t interested in watching Big Little Lies, as I heard it was a show about wealthy women who lived in Monterey, raising their children. What’s so interesting about that? Luckily, I had friends who pushed me to watch to specifically ask me for my therapist’s eye on the specific issues presented in the show. In this article, I’m going to primarily focus on the dynamic between Celeste and Perry, played by Nicole Kidman and Alexander Skarsgård. Their performances were spectacular and I must give credit to the show’s writing, on how they appropriately chronicled the cycle of abuse, power and control, and another concept that I want to focus on, which is eroticized anger.
Dynamics of Abuse, and Power and Control
With the dynamic between Perry and Celeste, the issue that we see has to do primarily with power and control. Perry physically abuses Celeste through hitting, grabbing, choking, pushing, and punching. It was not so obvious in the beginning of the show because Perry presents himself as very charming and successful, and as a loving husband and father. But we get to see behind closed doors the dark secret of their life together. Perry continually intimidates, controls, and manipulates his wife. He demonstrates emotional abuse when he humiliates Celeste by throwing toys over her head and calling her foul names. The emotional abuse continues with his stalking behavior, as Perry answers Celeste’s phone calls and checks her phone messages towards the end of the series without her consent. Perry also abuses Celeste economically when he does not allow her the freedom to work and practice as an attorney, something that she loved and craved.
Unfortunately, these dynamics are common in abusive relationships including the underlying shame that Celeste felt, keeping this secret from her friends and loved ones and covering her bruises with makeup or clothing. One thing that was outside of the norm is that in a lot of abusive relationships, the perpetrator isolates their partner from friends, family, and coworkers. Perry kept Celeste isolated from work but he did appear to give her some freedom with meeting with her friends and seeing her therapist. In real life, Celeste probably would have been much more isolated and unable to converse with friends or family.
Why did she blame herself and why didn’t she leave sooner?
Here’s the thing: A perpetrator will get into their victim’s head to manipulate them; this is part of the emotional abuse. They make their victim feel crazy, they spin situations and make it so that their victim believes the abuse is their fault. The perpetrator provides false promises of change and, because the victim loves them, have children with them, financially depend on them, and has limited other resources, the victim stays. Perpetrators know what they are doing. They limit their victim’s ability to get out and make it harder and harder for the victims to leave, and thus, it’s easier and often safer to stay and endure the abuse.
Also to those who courageously decide that they are going to leave, this time period is one of the most dangerous and vulnerable time periods for the victim. Their abuser feels more and more helpless that they don’t have power over their victim, and thus their violent, rage behavior and intimidation increases out of an attempt to manipulate the victim to stay. This is why it takes a victim of domestic violence five to seven tries to actually leave an abusive dynamic. And many perpetrators attempt to kill their victims at this stage if the victim doesn’t leave strategically, with support.
Celeste also blamed herself, recounting the numerous times she had sex following the abusive encounter. We will get into this shortly, but with Celeste, luckily she came into her strength and realized that Perry was not going to change. After many years of abuse, he was not going to stop. The abuse was getting worse and worse while their children were reenacting the abuse. Celeste also would not come to this realization without the strong will of her therapist, who once she learned that Celeste was being abused, created what’s called a safety plan. She encouraged Celeste to find an apartment and begin to slowly move her belongings. She also was strong to not resist Celeste’s argument that it was her fault or that this was something that they could easily get past. The therapist held herself and maintained her strength, and thus Celeste was also able to strengthen and empower herself throughout the process.
The Last Night
In the end, we discover that Perry dies, but before his death, he had attempted to take Celeste and leave the party with her. My belief is had he left with Celeste, and if Celeste had not fought back, he would have killed her that night. With Perry, he felt less and less dominant and in control of his wife, and thus his rage continued to escalate and escalate, and it’s my belief that had he left with Celeste, he would have killed her that night.
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Eroticized Anger
Anger, rage, and sex can be fused together into something called eroticized anger or rage. I saw a lot of eroticized rage in the dynamic between Celeste and Perry. Our sexual and arousal templates develop over time through our sexual experiences in youth, our belief systems around sex, and things we were sexually exposed to. Arousal in early years is determined by curiosity and arousal occurring at the same moment.
Our arousal template is also determined by our genetic code, physiology, and our learned experiences. Some examples of this include whether we prefer tall or short individuals, men or women, or dark haired individuals, etc.
Much of our arousal is also very unconscious. Often many kinks or fetishes are unconscious. For example, with porn addicts, the sound of the mouse clicking or even just the browser searching can become an erotic experience. So as objects, people, or scenarios become eroticized, so do feelings including fear and anger. This is so because fear, anger, and pain can be a neurochemical escalator of the sexual experience. Some survivors of sexual abuse might not be able to orgasm without the fear, pain, or anger stimulus. Anger adds to the intensity of sexual arousal. For some, sexual arousal is most powerful when paired with anger and physical pain.
It’s possible that both Perry and Celeste used sex as a way to restore power and intensity within themselves. I don’t know for sure as the show did not state too much of their past. My guess is that the angry sex was a way for Perry to restore his power over Celeste when she would push back or attempt to stand up for herself and assert her own power.
Another dynamic to note between the two is that Perry was the dominant and Celeste was the submissive. So with their sexual encounter, Perry dominated over Celeste, while Celeste engaged in more of the submissive role. Something about the submissive role was a part of her sexual arousal template. I wish we knew more about Celeste and her past history with sex, or any history of trauma. My hunch is that there was some sort of trauma within her past. I do wonder: Perhaps Celeste continuously engaging in the angry sex is due to some sort of repetition compulsion or addiction to trauma where she is reenacting with Perry some sort of traumatic scenario that had not been appropriately processed.
I’m also curious about Perry. He seemed to include in his sexualized rage not only the anger arousal but a part of him also enjoyed humiliating Celeste. It seems that not only did their sex follow a painful experience, it seems that their sex additionally followed a degrading and humiliating experience. Sex was a vehicle for them to express their rage toward one another. I suspect Perry had some sort of rage against women, while Celeste experienced rage towards her husband Perry and they engaged in continued traumatic bonding. As much as Celeste and even Perry knew that the type of sex they were having was off, they couldn’t stop. Perry’s presence induced fear to Celeste but it also induced power, control, and rage. And a part of her was turned on by it. As a viewer, his sex didn’t appear to have much empathy.
My Final Thoughts
I don’t believe there is anything wrong with intense, passionate sex, but there first and foremost must be consent from both parties. I also would recommend that individuals explore why these dynamics are a turn on and a part of the sexual arousal template. Is humiliation or degradation something you want in your sexual experience? Do you want to play the dominant or submissive role? Are you engaging in it out of any underlying rage or anger? Is this some sort of reenactment of a past trauma? These are very intense questions to ask, and if sex feels painful, wrong, humiliating, or hurtful then I would absolutely explore these issues in psychotherapy.
For those interested in learning more about eroticized anger, I highly recommend the work of Dr. Patrick Carnes. The book: The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships is an excellent, insightful read.
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A version of this article originally appeared on LinkedIn. It is republished here with the author’s permission.
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Photo credit: IMDb