I had the worst. The big bad breakup. You know, the kind where your self-esteem gets shredded and you get the feeling she objects to the fact that you are on this planet. And like other wretched men, I searched online for anything, anything that would help me get out of the pain.
I finally had to admit that the advice I found-even from professionals-was inadequate and I was in this alone. Then I found it. Deep inside. The way to end the pain. It worked, and it worked big time.
Some sources say it will take 18 months to get over your breakup. Not me. I don’t have that kind of time to waste. So I dug deep, and figured it out. I would not wish such pain on anyone, so I am sharing what I did. I wrote this for men, because I am a man. I plan to write the female version as soon as I get enough input from women who have successfully stopped the pain.
For now, here you go guys:
If you have had a bad breakup, your body, mind and heart are currently on fire with rage, regret, longing and anger. No doubt you have read some articles on how to get over it. None of which work.
What Doesn’t Work
They tell you to “love yourself.” This is not possible. Love is directed at someone else. It is stupid advice to tell someone to love himself. You are fine with who you are, you are just not fine with being without her. You don’t need to give yourself a massage or treat yourself to dinner. Those things have nothing to do with the fact that your gut is churning and you feel like you are going to die without her.
Getting drunk will only make things worse. Calling, texting or emailing her will be disastrous (she hasn’t changed her mind). Binge-watching movies or shows makes the loneliness unbearable when the final credits roll. Friends are sick of hearing you talk about it, meaning your so-called “support system” is a hoax.
What Really Works
So, unless you want to end up like those sad people you see who never stood straight again, you had better take some serious action. Do you want to end up being a down-and-out person with hunched shoulders and a head full of dreams about what might have been? Do you want to live the rest of your life weepy and sad and depressed? Look, sit up and pay attention. We have to get started. Now.
Step One: Go after the big prize.
Find that lost dream, that thing you were going to do when you grew up, your purpose, passion and calling. If you have been killing time getting high, watching sports at the bar, and making every night pizza night, it is time to remember who you really are.
Were you going to play music? Did you dream of climbing mountains? Did you always want to own your own business? Come on, there’s something way down deep you want to do, and you’ve been letting it slide because you were so wrapped up in her. In fact, one of the reasons you can’t believe she is gone is you sacrificed everything for her, even your dreams.
Right now, you may think getting out of bed and forcing yourself to go to work is a big enough goal, given the pain you are in. But you are NOT going to beat this breakup by thinking small. I mean it, dust that huge dream off and stick a to-do list on your refrigerator. Spend a morning before work writing down the steps you need to take to get that dream started. Choose a version of your dream that is appropriate for your age now. If you wanted to be a rock star, at least make plans to form a band. If you wanted to paint, list the supplies you need to buy. Maybe you wanted to travel the world. Start researching professions that will let you do that. It’s not too late for anything. At the end of this paragraph, sit down and write that big-dream to-do list. Then come back. We’ve got more to do.
Step Two: Raise your coolness factor.
You have got to be cool again. Like you were when you met her. Yeah, I know, you feel far from cool right now. You feel like a pile of worthlessness. That’s what she did to you. And calling her won’t undo it; you’ll just be giving her the chance to tear you down even further.
Take charge of your coolness. Buy that jacket, get that haircut; go for that new job. It is easy to find what would make you feel sharp again. It’s the opposite of whatever you feel like doing. Feel like lying in bed all day? Perfect. That means you need to get up early and start your exercise program. Feel like dying. Great. That means you want that old you to die off so the real you can stand tall. Shave, shower, hit the streets and shake things up.
You can be that great friend, that person who helps others, that successful businessman; that take-charge guy. Whatever you think would make you look cool, do it. Aim for major coolness. She is really going to be sorry she let you go.
Step 3: Get madder than hell.
Look, you’ve got standards. You don’t let people talk to you the way she talked to you. You don’t let anyone lecture you, berate you, put you down or tell you that you don’t know how to love. Who does she think she is?
Every time you whimper about how you want her back, you are saying you deserve all the crap she dished out. You are begging for more. Quit being a victim.
You know how you are just dying to get hold of her? If you simply can’t resist, use your contact time to tell her what you think of her behavior. You took way too much stupidity from her just because you wanted to keep her. Stop being an idiot and asking for more. If you feel you can’t resist contacting her, give her an earful. You don’t take that crap from anyone.
To be honest, you’ll have more self-respect if you don’t contact her at all. If you can realize you are above the tongue-lashings she dealt out, and you don’t feel the need to tell her, you’ll be even more of a man.
Either way, get it in your head that you are somebody who commands respect. Get pissed at people who don’t show you that respect. Get pissed at her. She is the queen of disrespect.
Step 4: Become an athlete.
You’ve got time on your hands now that she is gone. Use it to build your body. Take up weightlifting, start running, join a softball team. Whatever it is, stop watching it on TV and start doing it yourself. No more being a spectator. Sweat, exhaust yourself, make your muscles sore.
It is really, really hard to be depressed when you are working out. In fact, it is impossible. It is really easy to be depressed when you lie on the couch and watch TV. Get up and get moving. We’ve got to get that body in shape for your next girl.
She is going to be one lucky woman to find a guy who takes care of himself, has a coolness factor of 10, gets respect from everyone around him, and has a purpose in life.
Originally published on Finance, Fitness, Finding Love
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