Couples recently gathered at the Basilica of the National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception for a reaffirmation of marriage. Cardinal Donald W. Wuerl, the archbishop of Washington, D.C., officiated at the Jubilarian Mass, which celebrated marriage anniversaries ranging from 25 to75 years.
I was amazed and astounded to see so many long-lasting couples. No woman in her right mind would put up with me for 25 minutes, never mind 25 years. There must be a lot of craziness to fuel so much commitment and compromise.
As a committed single, I stand outside the world of married and other committed couples with their daily trials and tribulations. I might not know firsthand what it’s like, but I have been a spectator and suggest that I can bring a perspective that people long in relationships might have lost. I am the witness, and let me tell you that too many of you are getting it all wrong.
People in committed relationships do not abandon their individuality. They are two souls striving together. Love is the wife taking a second job to support the family when her husband has been laid off. Love is the husband reminding his wife of how beautiful she is regardless of the chemotherapy.
I am not immune to a lady’s charms or unaffected by her alluring loveliness. I am not made from steel or stone. All too often, some couples end their relationships because of their struggles. Yet, the relationships that last do so because they endure life’s challenges together. The couples that stick together are stronger because of their unwavering commitment and do not allow life to unravel their relationship.
Sure, marriage is a cornerstone of our society. It provides a stable environment for children and provides framework for relationships. But I made a sensible decision, and marriage is not in my life’s manuscript.
With the time I have left, I want to make every moment memorable. Outside of the act, I make my way in life as the Mahogany Hermit. When I am away from my family and friends, I find solace in solitude.
In matters of the heart, I have always been the court jester. While she is waiting for her prince, I make her laugh and smile. I bring a smile to a loved one’s face when she is feeling down.
Women share their hopes, dreams, and fears with me. Yet, when I want to take the next step, it ends awkwardly and I feel alienated. Afterward, I have my Quasimodo moments when I feel ugly and isolated. For some of us, unreturned passion involves extreme longing, loss and how we can recover from heartache.
In recollection, the last woman I wanted a relationship with changed my world. Her stick-straight posture and ballerina-like elegance made her more alluring. Unfortunately, while I felt an attraction, she only felt a connection because we shared a mutual interest in fitness. After work, I left a handwritten note and Valentine’s Day card for her at the gym. I poured out my heart to her with every word. In retrospect, it was too much too soon. In an email, she issued a polite rejection.
In a matter of days, she met someone else. He embodied everything she was looking for in a man. She valued maturity, security and stability, all of which he had in abundance. I didn’t realize any of this until I noticed them at a local bookstore together. She looked so radiant while hanging onto his every word. I thought Why Couldn’t that be me. I was devastated.
That was just one of many countless romantic misfortunes. I was so frantic to escape the friend zone, that any effort ends up driving women away.
I walked away from the dating world. I just had enough self-inflicted heartache. I found hope in watching my friends fall in love, marrying and developing families. Despite my experience, I want to root for their success.
The human heart is both fragile and resilient. The heart must have the ability to heal because life is a rollercoaster. I am not looking for romantic martyrdom; I am just struggling to learn from my mistakes. I must find some wisdom and insight in my self-imposed penitence. If all else fails, I can always find relief in a monastery.
Beyond the wooing and romance, relationships involved commitment and constant communication. The most successful couples seem to say to the world, “We Are in this together.” Love is a about celebrating the success and enduring life’s struggles. Couples trade the I for We and the Me for Us.
Relationships are bewildering and wonderful at the same time. It is not good for man to be alone. However, more of us are struggling to find that someone special. In the middle of all this insanity, some singles still think that this endless dating gauntlet is worthwhile. Marriage is not for everyone. Despite my skepticism, I am a hopeless romantic. It is remarkable to witness couples endure through their struggles and stick together with laughter, life, and love.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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