As a mother, what kind of relationship do I want for my son and would there be a time or place when I would stand in the way of his relationship?
I’m deeply in love with someone. This man makes me feel emotions like none I’ve ever felt before. We have a great story of how we met many moons ago and then came back around in each other’s lives to fall desperately in love. It has truly been a whirlwind romance with intense happiness from the beginning. Our lover’s saying is “Smile ‘til your cheeks hurt, then get your halo dirty.” We’re adorable together.
There’s just one problem (for me). His mom doesn’t like me. This has caused me to question my commitment to the relationship—a few times. Because, frankly, I want to be in a family where I’m celebrated and appreciated, not simply tolerated. And sadly, at this point, I’m not even tolerated. I’m avoided. That’s not ok with me.
As I was thinking about my relationship and trying to process this situation, I attempted to put myself in her shoes. As a mother, what kind of relationship do I want for my son and would there be a time or place when I would stand in the way of his relationship? How accepting would I be of someone that claimed my baby boy’s heart?
Of course I have ridiculously high standards for his mate, because my son is an incredible human being. He’s extremely compassionate, empathetic and funny as hell. He can sense your emotions in a glance and comfort you with his words, deeds, shoulder rubs and awesome hugs.
As I sat down to write about the relationship expectations I have for my son’s mate, I was expecting it to be a lot more about ME—because to date, I’ve been guilty of making my relationship struggle about my partner’s mom. Doesn’t she want him to be happy? Can’t she see that he IS happy? Isn’t that enough? As a mother, isn’t that the bottom line of what we want for our children?
With that said, here’s The Relationship I Want for My Son
One that gives you opportunities for endless smiles and boundless love.
One that keeps you guessing and laughing and learning and growing.
A woman who challenges you to be your very best self in a way that tests your limits but not your character.
Someone who knows you as well as I do, but with a level of intimacy that a mother will not know.
I want for you a relationship that is built on a foundation of trust, respect, honesty, and joy. From those essentials, all others will flow. Without them, you will flounder.
I’d like someone who appreciates me and the relationship you and I share, yet one who is strong enough to manage your needs within your relationship.
It’s important for me that you’re with someone who is inclusive and is respectful our family rituals, memories, reunions and activities and will celebrate with us.
I want for you a relationship that helps you to evolve and lean into change as you celebrate aging together.
You’ll need someone you can be safe with. When I say safe, I mean safe in all ways: physically, spiritually, financially, and sexually.
Someone you can share your innermost thoughts and dreams with and have them stand by you and support you 150%.
Someone you’re proud to show off to your friends and family. When I say show off, I’m not talking about their physical qualities. I’m talking about the beauty of their spirit. This person will be equally proud to show you off as well.
Someone you can talk to all night long while staring at the stars, regardless of what time you have to get up in the morning.
Someone who gets your sense of humor and laughs at all of your puns; because you’re such a “punny guy.”
I wish for you someone you can take dance lessons with, who will dance with you in the kitchen—whether there’s music playing or not.
You need someone with deep insights to be able to “go long” with your conversations because you’re such a great thinker and can really talk through big concepts.
I want you to have a lover who your friends and family love—someone your friends just enjoy being around.
Someone who makes you smile with just a thought.
Someone you can’t wait to get home to.
Someone you want to wake up to every morning—even if you had a fight the night before.
A woman you want to birth your children and share in the joys of parenting with.
A woman you can communicate with—when times are tough, when times are good, even when times are just plain ‘ole boring. Communication is the key to all things holy when it comes to relationships.
I pray that your partner will work with you to ensure that your needs are met in the relationship. I pray that you can both express your needs and work together to meet in the middle. Everything is “figureoutable” if you try.
A relationship that doesn’t take away one iota of who you are but only ENHANCES you.
I know you’re not ready to settle down and get married anytime soon. That’s just fine. Take your time—enjoy your youth. While you’re having fun, be thinking about the kind of relationship you want to commit to and what your priorities are. Don’t settle for any less than THE BEST. You deserve to have everything you want and more.
These are my wishes for you.
I love you,
Here are My Thoughts after I Stepped Away From the Process
Later in the evening my boyfriend and I had a discussion and I shared with him what I wrote. When push came to shove, what I want for my son has VERY LITTLE to do with me. If I’m truly honest with myself, I need to remove myself from the situation completely and trust that my son will make the best relationship decisions based on his heart and whatever logic he chooses to apply to love. It’s really not about me at all.
I need to let go of any prescription or relationship ideals that I’m projecting onto him. Because, essentially, that’s what this list is.
He clearly has different needs than me and VERY LIKELY has different desires for a partner than I do. While I can hope and pray that his relationship has all the fun, exciting and loving things that I wish for him, the fact of the matter is, he gets to define those things for himself.
Based on how well I know my son, while there will be similarities, they will surely be different. As they should be. We are different people.
Whether I like it or not; my son will choose his partner based on his own needs and judgments, with no consultation on my part (as he should).
After much deliberation, I decided it is reasonable to conclude then, that my boyfriend is free to do the same.
As a result, I’m choosing to be fully committed to my boyfriend and am standing firm in my love for myself and the relationship, because I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I don’t want anything to stand in the way of this love.