Zach Rosenberg shares five reasons why it’s best to be open with your partner in bed.
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Sex is great, but it’s so much better when you’re honest. And I’m not just talking about saying “yeah, my legs don’t bend that way.” I’m talking about real, sexual-soul-searching honest. Here’s five ways you can achieve ultimate bedroom honesty with your partner and have a little fun in the process.
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1. Be Honest About Experimentation.
Look, if we all wanted to have sex the same damn way every time, there wouldn’t be so many ways that your parts fit into your partner’s stuff. When I was in college, I did it the same way every time: warm-up oral then missionary, 40 seconds, done, go home. Yeah, I just said that.
But now that I’m married and have a wife who is my world, I don’t mind thinking outside the box, if you know what I’m sayin’. But experimentation isn’t just adopting the “any hole’s a goal” mentality. It’s about finding something fun that you and your partner can try. Maybe it won’t go right – you’ll laugh about it (maybe now, maybe later) and it’ll ultimately make you feel closer. Try toys, try those deliciously-scented lubes. You may have never tried before, but it might be fun. And if it’s not, that’s cool too – that’s why it’s an experiment. You think scientists succeed in every one of their lab experiments? Uh no. So lube up, put a rubber ring around your ding-a-ling, and start looking for alternate entry points.
I mean, if it’s cool with your other half. Gotta agree on terms before you go exploring the jungle.
2. Be Honest About Your Past.
It’s totally cool that you had some wild days whenever-ago. And it’s even cool that you are Facebook friends with the woman that deflowered you. But you’re going to want to share this stuff with your partner. Not because you can’t be trusted, but because you probably want to know if your partner’s friends with the one that deflowered them too, yeah? And if you had a not-okay experience in your past, you need to let your partner know so that they don’t accidentally bring you back there.
Or how about this – did you have a past lover that did something in bed that you really liked? Well, your current partner might be able to do it too. Airing out your past doesn’t have to be a source of jealousy. It can be a launching pad for “hey I haven’t done this in years.” It might even make your partner look at you like a superman for doing all the cool sexual stuff they’ve never experienced up until then.
3. Be Honest About Porn.
Look, your partner looking at porn isn’t about you. It’s about them having a fantasy and watching other people get filthy. And when your partner watches porn, they’re probably watching people that look nothing like you. It’s okay. It’s not because they don’t love you or aren’t attracted by you. It’s because they – just like you – are able to be attracted to many things, and when you become exclusive with someone, it doesn’t stop them from being attracted to people that don’t look like you.
So let them have their moment. Or, if you’re a real sex rockstar (and I know you are), you might find a way to integrate that into your sex life. You don’t have to go out on the street and find someone who looks like their preferred porn star or starlette. But you should talk about what types they like. Don’t go into “why” – you’ll get nowhere like that. Here’s a suggestion: find porn that satisfies both of your attractions and then dirty talk about it while you foreplay. Sometimes, all it takes is a little suggestion that it’d be hot to have that star/lette there with you to get you both in the mood. Sometimes you can arouse a partner if you know who they like with a “you like him/her? You wish you could” …well, I’ll leave something to your imagination. But by then, hopefully, you’re already off to the races.
And if you don’t like porn, be honest. You might have to surrender to letting your spouse have some alone-porn-time then, but that’s okay – remember, it’s not about you.
4. Be Honest About Your Dislikes.
This is important. The last thing you need is your partner turning you off in bed constantly by doing something that you hate. Or worse, that you’re scared of. Don’t like being love-slapped? Don’t even make it a possibility – come right on out and say you never want to do that. Don’t ever want to try a certain position because it makes you body-conscious? Make it clear.
This is especially important if you’ve ever been abused in any way, male or female. As I mentioned, you don’t want your current partner to trigger a past hurt. It’s only fair to bring it up before it happens. Sex is best when it’s stuff that you like, so make sure you take all of your dislikes off the table. And if you’ve experimented as I suggested and don’t like something you’ve done, make it clear right away. You don’t need to be getting into a routine that you’re not enjoying just because I suggested that you try something a step too far for you. And I don’t want that on my conscience.
5. Be Humbled By It All.
Look people, sex is awesome. Sex is incredible. Sex is emotional and fun and right now, while you’re reading this, there’s a ton of people banging it out in their homes, in their cars, and in weird semi-public places. Be humbled by the fact that someone is letting you, quite literally, into their body. Be humbled by the fact that, under some conditions, this process can create a human life. Have respect for it all – and I’m not saying you need to freak out over it (because that’s a total boner-killer), but just think about how powerful it is to get naked and get wild. It’s something people have been doing for thousands of years.
So remember – you’re one person in a world full of other folks celebrating this same totally hot mattress dance. And for most people, you’re not the first one that’s been with your partner and they’re not your first. Engaging in sex with someone is a gift, so treat your partner with respect. Or believe me, they’ll go find it elsewhere and leave you out of it.
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There are some incredible ways that you can enhance your sex. But I think above any position or toy, honesty should be your number one bedroom trick. It’s sexy to talk about the things that turn you on or scare you. It’s hot as hell to experiment with your partner. And it’s awesome to look at your love and think “it can’t get better than this.” Honesty ain’t just the best policy, it’s a roadmap to the best sex you can have
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At Forta, we believe healthy relationships mean having great sex with your partner. 
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My wife just spit out her coffee with the “any hole is a goal” line! Thanks for posting this. Felt stuck in a rut after 12 wonderful years of marriage and this honestly helped. Thanks.
So is this post sponsored by Forta or not? I would like much clearer boundaries about when you guys are being paid to promote a product to us vs. real unbiased advice.
Hi Katherine.
Well said.
I asked myself the same question.
Hi Kathererine
Well said. I asked myself the same question.
Erin – *Applause* for being a “self-esteem rock star,” succinctly demonstrated by your counter points above.
Zach – Yeah, this page ate my homework too, so I believe you about the mystery reload. After it happened, I had to recreate my thoughts and post again. I so wanted to read your really good counter points to Erin’s really good points.
I just wish I could figure out how to put a rubber ring around my clitoris so I could start looking for those alternate entry points you mentioned. Do you think I could find some porn on that?
Thank you for that, Erin. Excellently put.
Wow Zach. I really didn’t like your piece. I think you have good intentions but I have some concerns. You said: “Look, if we all wanted to have sex the same damn way every time, there wouldn’t be so many ways that your parts fit into your partner’s stuff. “ Ouch. For me, there are so many things wrong with this. First, the idea that “experimentation” is about where you put your parts. Sex, experimentation, can be much larger and deeper than that. The second is the suggestion that we simply have different orifices (I am assuming you are suggesting… Read more »
Well Erin – I was replying to you. It was a very lonnnnng reply. I was thanking you for your comment. I was admitting that some things here needed clarification. I agreed with you on some points, and didn’t agree with you on others. I made really good counter-points to your really good points.
And then the page randomly reloaded on its own and I lost the whole thing. Gone. All of it. No Ctrl+Z, no back button. Poof.
So, let’s just say that I appreciate your comment and that’s that. Thanks 🙂
Fair enough Zach. One more thing…”love-slap”…. what a confusing term. If you want to slap your partner during sex, have at it. If you want to be slapped by your partner, again, have at it. (Although hetro-male porn does seem to enjoy women being slapped more then men being slapped.) Obviously that doesn’t neccesarily mean you don’t love your partner or that you want to abuse them. But the act of wanting to slap your partner during sex isn’t exactly one done out of love either. So perhaps we should not attach deeply, emotional words that conjure up the warm… Read more »
Hey Erin – thanks again for all of the comments. I wanted to again say that you brought up good points on a lot of this. But I also did want to mention a couple of things in brief (I’m still pissed I lost my giant comment) that I was very deliberate in not mentioning genders as many places as I could, as to not fall into the trap of just making this all about hetero man-forcing-woman-to-“experiment”. But you’re right – some of the language DID indeed end up veering into that realm. And for that, I hope that I… Read more »
Bravo, Zach! I’m glad you were able to get together your thoughts and republish.
I don’t think you need forgiveness for seeing things through your own eyes, we all knew it was a guy writing this. I’m impressed by your ability to self-evaluate, and perhaps give up a position or two. Good stuff.
One work of caution: I once saw an X-ray of Buzz Lightyear up a guys butt. Apparently, when it was being pulled out, the wings deployed and it wedged in there tight enough to warrant a trip to the ER.
An unhappy ending to that toy story!
Zach, I have no problem with you writing an article from a heterosexual male perspective. It’s probably my favorite kind of article being a heterosexual female. I just personally find that among a lot of heterosexual men, they sometimes can have limited ideas about what exactly sex can be about and what “true” experimentation is. What I’ve largely seen, experienced myself and heard among heterosexual men, their perceptions of sex is largely connected to “experimentation” from pornography and have spent very little time formulating their own ideas of sex and experimentation on a physical, emotional and even spiritual level separate… Read more »
Hi Erin
You write:
✺”there seems to be a wider and bigger confusion about what is good healthy sex and what is simply physical or verbal abuse. In a lot of male heterosexual porn, the verbal and physical abuse of women is normalized and even made “sexy”. And that’s my concern”✺
That is my concern as well.
And maybe those that ask people to use more porn are more kinky than the rest of us.
I do not want to have my sexuality changed.
Not everybody wants to drag porn into their marriage bed or love life.
@Erin,
Very good Erin.
I am kind of neutral about his piece. Since I do not personally like porn, I did not like his view(s). But, people are entitled to use porn as they see fit.
I think conceptually, the piece was OK. It’s just that the details and specifics are a bit uncomfortable. Aya pointed out one example above.
I so agree with your stance on porn. 99.9% of pornography is degrading and, frankly, demoralizing towards women. They are used, hardly ever “pleasured” themselves, and are treated like an object with multiple holes that were put there only for a mans enjoyment. Personally, I dislike porn for these reasons. BUT, there is some good stuff out there (usually directed by women) that shows sex in a more loving, balanced light where both parties “enjoy” what they are doing- no degrading necessary. And no, I do not believe that you ever ever have to just accept that it will be… Read more »
T, I always wondered why though more fair porn was directed by women and why men were not also wanting to show more “balanced” stuff. Why do male directors choose not to be more fair? Why does most heterosexual male porn show stuff that usually infact does make women the submissive object to be used? That’s a big question for me.
Erin, I love this. I personally don’t mind the idea of porn. However, today’s market is very sexist. It is very much the epitome of male gaze. I don’t like today’s porn because it turns human beings into masturbatory tools. Albeit, that is exactly what the idea is going for. It dehumanizes sex to an extreme. There’s the site, make love not porn. It’s great because it’s just couples/people/ actual humans sharing their sexual experiences. Not fetish-izing another or turning sex into a goal of their own, selfish sexual gratification. When I have sex with a partner, I make it… Read more »
Let’s be honest about being honest. It can be taken too far. Honesty at all costs, no matter what, is probably not the optimal approach either. There is room for other people’s feelings and sensitivities. Volunteering everything you’re thinking and feeling the moment you feel it can be pretty unhealthy, and it can kill a relationship.
“Lately, I’ve been fantasizing about having sex with your sister.” That may be perfectly honest, but it is not constructive honesty. (In most cases, at least.)
VERY true. I somehow forgot to say “within reason” or something to that effect. Also, “yes, that dress DOES make you look fat” rarely gets you any points! But there’s ways to be honest (even about sister-sex fantasies”!) without saying it in a blunt and creepy way. I’ve found that as long as you’re plenty reassuring that your partner is the one you’re with and the one you want to be with and that there’s nothing to worry about (backed up by actions – making your partner routinely feel loved and like the center of your attention), you can more… Read more »
When it comes to my past, I don’t have any skeletons there and neither does my wife. However, I feel like the past is the past and not everyone needs to be discussed.
I very much agree w/the experimentation and dislikes thoughts.
I agree, Larry. When it comes to trying something, I don’t want to hear “Sarah and I used to do this, let’s try it!” That kind of kills the mood and I don’t want to be thinking about his exes while we’re having sex. Much better to just say something like “I really want to try this with you.” There’s no need to mention your exes unless you know your partner finds it arousing.
Thank you for this timely article – I’m 51, been celibate for almost 5 years and can count the number of times I’ve had sex (not men) on 4 fingers in the last 10 years. Hadn’t realized I was the one that shut that door and recently I’ve managed to flip switch in my brain and body back on. It’s quite an entertaining and interesting experience and experimentation that I would have totally turned my back on not that long ago. What’s keeping me (sort of) grounded is being very aware of all the points you raised but it’s always… Read more »
@ Stephanie Douglas:
Hi, thanks for sharing. And if I may say so, congratulations to your newfound “flipswitch”.
If you would share some more, I would really like to hear some more about your experience and the environment in which you have managed your turn-around, and your thoughts around the whole process.
Wish you all the best on your journey
/K