The idea that there is only one person in this world for you is romantic.
But also absurd.
Sorry everyone who, like me, grew up watching rom coms and putting your hand over your heart pledging you will wait for your person to show up and hold you like they lost you and found you.
That said, I am and will always be a hopeless romantic. But to me, that just means I love love. I love everything about love. I love always having someone on my mind, doing life with someone, building something. I love intimacy. Connection. Sweaty passionate sex. I love the discovery of a soul. Creating honest moments. Deep conversations that feel like warm blankets on a cold day before it’s supposed to get cold. Holding hands and jumping, together. The self-learning and growth through healthy arguments. Leaning into the contrast that forces you to stretch and see the world differently. I love doing nothing with someone. There is no other relationship that can give you what an intimate relationship can give you. I love love. But that doesn’t mean I believe you’re only supposed to be with one person in your life. You are supposed to be with who you choose to be with.
The truth is we have many “ones” in our lifetime. Every person you have loved has been “the one” at that time. “The one” is the one you choose to love today. Not who you used to love or could love. Who you are choosing to love right now. As hard or easy as that is. Once you choose to stop loving that person, he or she is no longer “the one.” It’s that simple.
A thriving healthy sustainable relationship is built on more than goosebumps.
Why it’s important to look at it this way.
First, let’s boil down what love really is.
At the end of the day, love is a daily choice to be emotionally responsible to someone. If you’re not emotionally connected, it’s not love. It may be lust or convenience or an arrangement or not wanting to be alone. But it’s not love.
Now let’s tie this to the concept of “the one.”
If you don’t think you’re with “the one” or if you believe someone “got away”, you will not give the relationship you are in your all. Instead, you will dream, fantasy, scroll, and fill in a lot of blanks. You won’t be present or grateful. Instead, you will doubt and chase something else that isn’t real.
Now the not so obvious.
If you believe you’re with “the one”, it implies that you’re supposed to be with this person. You guys were meant. Things are supposed to line up. And if they don’t, you’re going to be confused. Why aren’t things perfect and easy? You will doubt if this person is actually “the one” when the truth is you’re not doing the hard work it takes to build a relationship. Doubting and questioning if you’re with “the one” can cause you to not invest and drift emotionally. Even if it’s not intentional. And it can be a slow burn. It doesn’t have to be overnight. But now you’re elsewhere. You are not choosing to love. You are being emotionally irresponsible.
The thing about “hard” is no one likes hard. Because hard means discomfort. Hard means breaking patterns, looking inward, taking ownership, doing things you’re not used to. Hard means you could be wrong. Hard means it’s no longer just about you. But hard is where substance and depth lives. Not in easy. Easy feels good. It’s sugar, highly addictive, and temporary. But most importantly, easy creates ceilings. Not just for you but also the relationship. If you just want something that feels good, there will be no love journey and without a journey, there is no growth. Love is about depth not width. Easy equals width and “the one” is easy.
Nothing of value in this world comes from easy.
This post was originally published here and is republished with permission from the author.
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