When my ex broke up with me 3 months ago, he left angry while saying things like:
- I brought out the worst in him.
- He had lost his respect for me.
- He had never been so mean to a partner before.
- His exes had always been happy with him.
In short, he said that I’d screwed up our relationship.
It was hard to hear from someone I loved and wanted to spend a lifetime with. But it was his reality, so I gave it some thought.
Today, let’s pretend that it was true and that I had attracted his mistreatment somehow. Basically, let’s take some responsibility. How may I have contributed to letting the evil out of the box? What would be an honest — and fair — description of my mistakes? And what can I learn from them so that I never repeat this BS?
Here are 8 mistakes that I made throughout this previous partnership. If you don’t want to screw up your relationship like I did, learn from my lessons and don’t repeat my mistakes.
#1: I took my relationship too seriously
I didn’t enter the relationship with, “Let’s have fun and see where it goes.” I entered the relationship with, “Let’s get serious together.”
When I met Anthony, I had enough casual experiences behind me. I was straightforward about my desire to have a serious and committed relationship that would lead to co-creating a future together.
Anthony liked that. After 3 months of friendship, he asked me to become his girlfriend. He offered seriousness and so did I.
Well, it wasn’t fun.
Once I became a potential future wife, Anthony started to become controlling or angry any time I would show a sign of separateness.
All of my actions and words were under his radar. Patricia Evans explains this common change of behavior in her book Controlling People:
Since Controllers experience signs of separateness as an outright attack, they will do everything possible to silence the other. — Patricia Evans
Should I have said, “Let’s have some fun and see where it goes,” and been more detached, I might have received different treatment — the treatment he gave his exes.
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Lesson: It’s good to be clear about your goals for the relationship and it’s okay to want to be “serious”. But it’s also safe and acceptable to remain emotionally detached. Don’t invest too much from the start, and keep your options open. You need a door to leave through in case the relationship doesn’t work for you.
#2: I was monitoring his health
Anthony wasn’t the only one who had a hard time with signs of separateness. I did too.
When I first met him, Anthony was super healthy. He wasn’t smoking and he was going to the gym twice a day. But two months after moving in together, he started to smoke. And a month later, he stopped going to the gym.
By month five, he became a couch potato stuck to his laptop.
I was so displeased and concerned with his new habits that I became controlling. I would take his cigarettes and hide them. I would drag him to the gym or impose workout sessions that were met with protest. Somehow, I was perceiving his body as part of myself and wanted to take care of his health the same way I would my own.
I know, it’s bad — but that’s what I did.
It took me several months to mentally separate myself from his behaviors. But by the time I was able to see him as a different person and set him free from my own concerns, he was already on the defensive.
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Lesson: No matter how much you want the best for your partner’s health, you are two different individuals. Learn to surrender, and trust that they know how to take care of themselves. Their body is not your body. Rather than controlling your partner, set them free.
And if you don’t like their habits, you can always leave the relationship rather than controlling them.
#3: I wasn’t financially self-sufficient
Finances are often one of the biggest sources of stress in relationships. But with Anthony, we never lacked money.
Well, his money, not mine; I was broke.
When I met Anthony, I was in a transitional period of life. I was struggling to kickstart my career as a relationship coach and tantra teacher and had used all of my savings. Anthony was supportive when he learned this. He said he didn’t mind helping me and he seemed happy to do so.
However, I believe that it was unattractive in the long term. I became financially dependent on him — not by choice. The pandemic wasn’t helping. This affected my self-esteem and made me appear weak.
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Lesson: Never start a relationship broke. Take care of your finances and figure out your work first. You want to be self-sufficient once you meet your partner so that you’re not fully dependent on them. It’s ok to accept some financial help from your significant other, but only to a certain extent. Work can help you feel grounded and secure.
#4: I acted out on my anxious attachment style
I’ve always known that I have an anxious attachment style, so I didn’t want to date an avoidant. Anthony seemed secure — at first. However, I still lacked education about my attachment style.
I made petty mistakes and acted out on my anxious attachment style. During the first 3 months, I unconsciously displayed “anxious protest behaviors” to test the safety of our relationship. These are my biggest regrets.
Protest behavior is any action that tries to reestablish contact with your partner and get their attention. — Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller
For an anxiously attached person, a protest behavior looks like a threat to break up or an attempt to make the other feel jealous.
I said things like, “If you truly cared for me, you would pick up the phone now,” and, “If you don’t call me back, it’s over.” I was completely unaware of how BS this was. I acted immaturely and Anthony didn’t fall for it.
Today, I’m very grateful for the opportunity it gave me to become a better person. I never displayed childish protest behaviors again after Anthony called me out, and I became more aware of my words and actions. Yet, it was too late. Anthony had shifted from secure to avoidant.
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Lesson: Educate yourself about your attachment style now. Protest behaviors and activating strategies can cause you to act in ways that are harmful to the relationship. It’s very important to learn to recognize them as they are happening and take a step back.
#5: I was in survival mode most of the time
After I had let my protest behaviors get the best of me, my relationship didn’t feel safe anymore. Anthony was on the defensive and my need for reassurance was rarely met. I was always in the danger zone.
My thoughts, feelings, and behaviors were governed by the fact that he was emotionally withdrawn and unsure about our future.
There was a constant sense of threat to the relationship. In survival mode, I was struggling to keep my emotional balance. My alarm system was always ringing in the back of my mind. At the first sign of conflict, I would become overwhelmed by anxiety and couldn’t stop crying.
Once people become autonomically aroused into a state of alarm and defense, there are severe limits on their ability to process information, to listen, to laugh, to be affectionate, to be empathetic, and to be creative. — Dr. John M. Gottman and Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman
Anthony wasn’t good at giving reassurance. And at this time, I didn’t know how to reassure myself. So, my alarm system never stopped ringing. It was tiring for both of us.
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Lesson: You have to learn to give yourself reassurance and to self-soothe before your alarm gets triggered. During a conflict, when you sense that you’re emotionally flooding, take a break. Apply biofeedback techniques, guided muscle relaxation, and visualization, and pay attention to how long it takes you to recover.
#6: I dishonored my physical boundaries
Anthony and I both worked from home so we were pretty much together 24/7. As a highly sensitive person, I knew I needed some alone time to recharge my batteries. This meant physical space and detachment — moments without Anthony at home.
Anthony needed time alone too; however, it didn’t mean the same thing to him. For him, time alone meant moments of silence from me — whether I was home or not.
So we faced a conflict of interests:
- Anthony was barely going out — apart from buying cigarettes. There was zero physical distance.
- As a very talkative person, I couldn’t stop myself from interacting with Anthony. There was zero silence.
In order to meet both our needs, I suggested that we live separately for a bit. Maybe I’d go on a meditation retreat? I suggested that he go for a walk to get some silence from me. None of my requests seemed acceptable to him so I gave up. I dishonored my physical boundaries and his.
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Lesson: Being together 24/7 is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. You need space and time alone to recharge your batteries.
Always honor your physical boundaries — whether your partner likes it or not. You need physical distance? Take a risk and go on that meditation retreat. Choose yourself first, for the sake of your relationship.
#7: I was isolated
When Anthony and I decided to start a committed relationship, he was in the process of moving to Colombia and asked me to come with him. We stayed there a few months before moving to his parents’ in San Francisco and then finding shelter in Mexico during the pandemic.
As we were constantly moving, I wasn’t able to build stable friendships. I had no girlfriends or family around to vent to about my life. With no support system, I depended on Anthony to meet my emotional needs and sometimes play the “girlfriend”.
For Anthony, it was hard to listen to me as patiently as a girlfriend would. And at some point, he reached his limit. He ended up saying things like, “I don’t care about what you’re saying.” It was painful to hear from the one I loved.
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Lesson: It’s super important to have someone outside of the relationship you can talk to when needed. If you’re a woman, have a good girlfriend you can call. Hire a therapist. Join a CODA meeting or a women’s circle online. Your partner shouldn’t bear the burden of being there for you all the time.
#8: I beat myself up
With all of the above, our relationship became messy. I would express my feelings and my needs and Anthony would listen with contempt or criticism. So instead of staying grounded and assertive, I’d go back to everything I’d just said and fill up the silence with more anxious chatter.
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t feel this way.” “Forget about what I just said, I shouldn’t need that.”
And it just reinforced Anthony’s contempt for me. I gave him the stick to beat me while I was beating myself up out loud. That wasn’t sexy!
Desperate to relieve the anxiety and depression of abandonment, the critic-driven individual searches the present, and the future, for all the ways he is too much or not enough. — Pete Walker
In the long term, my behavior had 3 consequences:
- He lost his respect for me;
- He perceived me as a pushover;
- He understood he was driving the boat, and because he liked that, more of my feelings and needs were ignored.
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Lesson: Less is a thousand times more. When you express your needs and feelings to your partner, don’t fill the space with anxious chatter after. The less you say, the more impact you have. At the same time, build that confidence up! Remember your worth and be your own best friend.
You’ve probably heard the saying, “It takes two to tango.” Well, despite the part I played in the dance, I surely didn’t deserve the mean words and lack of emotional support from Anthony. But now that the relationship is over, it’s safe for me to assess my mistakes and learn from them.
Owning my mistakes has given me a sense of control over my life. And it’s truly empowering after spending so much time in a relationship that went totally nuts.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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